初中英語笑話

1、1. Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should ma

2、ke sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 兩個獵人進(jìn)森林里打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機(jī)撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：“第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經(jīng)死亡?！庇谑牵泳€員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然后聽到那獵人接著問：“第二步怎辦？” 2.Let

3、me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ." "Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know." 為我所用 一頭大象對一只小老鼠說：“你無疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西?！?“請?jiān)僬f一遍，讓我

4、把它記下來?！崩鲜笳f?！拔乙v給我認(rèn)識的一只跳蚤聽。 3.Watering Flower In Rain Tom:Why doyou have that watering can? Dan:I'm going to water the flowers. Tom:But it'd raining. Dan:That's OK.I'm wear-ing my raincoat. 雨天澆花 湯姆：你拿噴壺做什么？ 丹：我要去澆花。 湯姆：可是，在下雨呀！ 丹：沒關(guān)系，我穿著雨衣呢！ 4. Two birls Teacher: Here are two birds, o

5、ne is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥 老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？ 學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老師：請說說看。 學(xué)生：

6、燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。 5、he Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 魚網(wǎng) "你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發(fā)問道。 "把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。 6、The New Teacher George comes from school

7、on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too." 新老師 9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。 "喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。 "媽媽

8、，我不喜歡，因?yàn)樗f3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。" 7、 A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick's answer: Beca

9、use our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考試 在一次物理考試時，當(dāng)同學(xué)們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。 這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？ 尼克的回答是：因?yàn)檠劬υ谇?，耳朵在后?8.Too Fast or Too Slow A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him. "Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked. "NO,"the police

10、man answered,"You were flying too slow." 太慢或太快 一個男人正在以130英里每小時的速度行駛，當(dāng)一個警察看見他時， 他問：“我開的太快了嗎？警官?！?“不”，警察說，“你飛的太慢了?！?9.Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered

11、. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給你的錢干什么了？” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說?！霸俳o你兩分錢?？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢？” “她是個賣糖果的。

12、” 10. Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then

13、, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告訴 (2) nest n.窩；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓勵 (5) resemble v. 相似；類似 鳥窩與頭發(fā) 我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個學(xué)生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。 “是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。 “我沒

14、看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩?！蹦呛⒆踊卮鹫f。 “那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。 “哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣?！?1.He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他贏了 湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟

15、好嗎？ 約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。 湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？ 約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。 12.I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I

16、'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事？” “一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。 “再見到他你能認(rèn)出來嗎？”媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說?！八亩溥€在我衣兜里呢?！?13.Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kind

17、s of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad,&qu

18、ot; the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發(fā)問道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了?！?“可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！” 14. Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a

19、sign says,"School-Go slow". 老師:為什么你每天早晨都遲到? 湯姆:每當(dāng)我經(jīng)過學(xué)校的拐角處,僦看見一個牌子仩寫著"學(xué)校-慢行". 15“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .” “Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work

20、!” “Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” “對不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元?！?“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個病人嚇跑了?！?16.I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," s

21、he replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因?yàn)槲覄傄Я俗约旱纳囝^。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。 我剛咬破自己的舌頭 “我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。 “是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？” “因?yàn)槲覄倓傄谱约旱纳囝^。” 17.A Woman Who Fell It was

22、rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, ho

23、wever, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準(zhǔn)備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？” 18.Q: What&

24、#39;s the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？ 19. Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因?yàn)閟nail（蝸牛）的

25、后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強(qiáng)壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？ 20.Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因?yàn)槌诉@個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。 21.Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake.怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his s

26、leep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。 22.He is really somebody - My uncle has 1000 men under him. - He is really somebody. What does he do? - A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一個大人物 - 我叔叔下面有1000個人。 - 他真是一個大人物。干什么的？ - 墓地守墓人。 23.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China

27、from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "T

28、rust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它們是從美國直接帶來的 一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。 這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的?！?24.my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I hav

29、e lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不識字 布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告??！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識字。” 25.Bring me the winner - Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. - I'm sorry, sir. It must have been