瑪尼尼納亞爾

1、Optics 光Manini Nayar 瑪尼尼·納亞爾 When I was seven, my friend Sol was hit by lightning and died. He was on a rooftop quietly playing marbles when this happened. Burnt to cinders, we were told by the neighbourhood gossips. He'd caught fire, we were assured, but never felt a thing. I only remember

2、 a frenzy of ambulances and long clean sirens cleaving the silence of that damp October night. Later, my father came to sit with me. This happens to one in several millions, he said, as if a knowledge of the bare statistics mitigated the horror. He was trying to help, I think. Or perhaps he believed

3、 I thought it would happen to me. Until now, Sol and I had shared everything; secrets, chocolates, friends, even a birthdate. We would marry at eighteen, we promised each other, and have six children, two cows and a heart-shaped tattoo with 'Eternally Yours' sketched on our behinds. But now

4、Sol was somewhere else, and I was seven years old and under the covers in my bed counting spots before my eyes in the darkness.七歲那年，好友索爾被閃電擊中后離開了人世。當(dāng)時他正在房頂靜靜的玩著彈珠。聽鄰舍們說他被燒焦了。他肯定是著了火，只是絲毫未察覺。我只依稀記得那個十月的夜晚被濕氣籠罩著，呼嘯而至的救護車無休止的尖聲鳴叫劃破了當(dāng)晚的沉寂。后來，父親在我身旁坐下，說這種事是萬中無一的，好像用單純的數(shù)字來描述它就會顯得不那么可怕。我想他是在盡力安撫我?；蛟S他擔(dān)心我會害怕

5、重演好友的遭遇。一直以來，我和索爾之間的一切都是不分彼此的我們之間沒有秘密，我們吃同一塊巧克力，有著同樣的朋友，甚至，連生日也湊到了同一天。我們說好的，十八歲結(jié)婚，要六個小孩，兩頭牛，還要在各自的臀部紋上心形圖案，寫著“我是你的，此生不渝”。而此時，索爾去了另一個地方，我那時七歲，還在黑暗中鉆在被窩里數(shù)眼前的星光點點。 After that I cleared out my play-cupboard. Out went my collection of teddy bears and picture books. In its place was an emptiness, the oak

6、panels reflecting their own woodshine. The space I made seemed almost holy, though mother thought my efforts a waste. An empty cupboard is no better than an empty cup, she said in an apocryphal aside. Mother always filled things up - cups, water jugs, vases, boxes, arms - as if colour and weight equ

7、alled a superior quality of life. Mother never understood that this was my dreamtime place. Here I could hide, slide the doors shut behind me, scrunch my eyes tight and breathe in another world. When I opened my eyes, the glow from the lone cupboard-bulb seemed to set the polished walls shimmering,

8、and I could feel what Sol must have felt, dazzle and darkness. I was sharing this with him, as always. He would know, wherever he was, that I knew what he knew, saw what he had seen. But to mother I only said that I was tired of teddy bears and picture books. What she thought I couldn't tell, bu

9、t she stirred the soup-pot vigorously.后來，我清空了我的玩具櫥柜，從前收藏的泰迪熊和圖冊統(tǒng)統(tǒng)被我收了起來。櫥柜已是空無一物，橡木板發(fā)出它固有的光澤。被我騰出的這片空間已近乎神圣，盡管在媽媽看來我這是在白費功夫。她在一旁嘟囔說空櫥子跟空杯子沒什么兩樣。媽媽總是把東西塞得滿滿的杯子、水壺、箱子、盒子還有她的雙手，好像優(yōu)質(zhì)生活是由色彩和重量來填充的。媽媽不明白的是這兒可是我的夢幻之所，藏身之地。合上柜門，閉上雙眼便可以感受另一個世界。睜開眼，看到櫥柜的燈光灑在光滑的墻面上，反射出微弱柔和的光亮。我和索爾是心心相印的，我此時能感覺到他當(dāng)時在黑暗中的繚亂，我們一如既

10、往地有福同享有難同當(dāng)。不管他身在何方，他也知道我們是心有靈犀的。但我只對媽媽說我厭了那些泰迪熊和圖冊。至于她會怎么想，我也不得而知，我只知道她拼命攪拌手中的湯碗。 One in several millions, I said to myself many times, as if the key, the answer to it all, lay there. The phrase was heavy on my lips, stubbornly resistant to knowledge. Sometimes I said the words out of context to see

11、 if by deflection, some quirk of physics, the meaning would suddenly come to me. Thanks for the beans, mother, I said to her at lunch, you're one in millions. Mother looked at me oddly, pursed her lips and offered me more rice. At this club, when father served a clean ace to win the Retired-Wall

12、ahs Rotating Cup, I pointed out that he was one in a million. Oh, the serve was one in a million, father protested modestly. But he seemed pleased. Still, this wasn't what I was looking for, and in time the phrase slipped away from me, lost its magic urgency, became as bland as 'Pass the sal

13、t' or 'Is the bath water hot?' If Sol was one in a million, I was one among far less; a dozen, say. He was chosen. I was ordinary. He had been touched and transformed by forces I didn't understand. I was left cleaning out the cupboard. There was one way to bridge the chasm, to bring

14、Sol back to life, but I would wait to try it until the most magical of moments. I would wait until the moment was so right and shimmering that Sol would have to come back. This was my weapon that nobody knew of, not even mother, even though she had pursed her lips up at the beans. This was between S

15、ol and me. （這段令我非常的疑惑） 我不停的告訴自己，這是萬中無一的事，仿佛這就是所有謎底之所在。萬中無一這個詞說起來很是晦澀，任憑怎么解釋也說不通。有時候我試著冷不丁地冒出這個詞，冀望從另一個角度，通過物理學(xué)所謂的巧合去理解其義。午餐時，我對媽媽說：媽媽，謝謝你做的這道豆莢，你可是萬中無一的。媽媽不解地望著我，撅了撅嘴，然后往我碗里添米飯。當(dāng)父親在俱樂部以一記漂亮的發(fā)球贏得 “退休工人回旋杯球賽”時，我說他是萬中無一的。哦，發(fā)球才是萬中無一的。父親謙虛道。不過看得出他是高興的。但這仍不是我要的答案。遲早有一天，這個詞會從我記憶中淡出，不再有當(dāng)初找尋答案的那股狂熱勁兒，“萬中無一”也

16、就無異于“把鹽遞給我”或“洗澡水熱不熱”之類的家常，索然寡味。如果索爾是萬中無一的，那我就望塵莫及了，可能只是“十里挑一”吧。他被上帝選中，而我只是凡人。他受到一股莫名力量的觸動而投胎轉(zhuǎn)世，留下我在這里清理櫥柜。我還有一招可以彌合我們之間這道隔閡，使索爾回生，但我在等待最神奇的一刻，不到時機我是不會使出那一招的。這可是我的秘密武器，別看母親為她做的豆莢驕傲地撅著嘴，其實她也無從知曉。這是僅屬于我和索爾倆人的。 The winter had almost guttered into spring when father was ill. One February morning, he sat

17、in his chair, ashen as the cinders in the grate. Then, his fingers splayed out in front of him, his mouth working, he heaved and fell. It all happened suddenly, so cleanly, as if rehearsed and perfected for weeks. Again the sirens, the screech of wheels, the white coats in perpetual motion. Heart se

18、izures weren't one in a million. But they deprived you just the same, darkness but no dazzle, and a long waiting. 冬去春來的時候，父親病了。那是二月的一天早上，他坐在椅子上，臉色蒼白得簡直像壁爐的灰。然后，他在胸前展開雙臂，嘴一開一合的要說些什么，一聲嘆息之后便合上了眼。這一切來得那么突然、那么徹底，好像事先彩排加工過好幾個星期。救護車又一次呼嘯而至，尖聲哀鳴著，白衣使者的行動一如從前。心臟病可不是萬中無一的，但它照樣會奪人性命，只是沒有閃電那樣讓人繚亂，而是令人慢慢受煎熬

19、，最后在黑暗中長眠。 Now I knew there was no turning back. This was the moment. I had to do it without delay; there was no time to waste. While they carried father out, I rushed into the cupboard, scrunched my eyes tight, opened them in the shimmer and called out 'Sol! Sol! Sol!' I wanted to keep my m

20、ind blank, like death must be, but father and Sol gusted in and out in confusing pictures. Leaves in a storm and I the calm axis. Here was father playing marbles on a roof. Here was Sol serving ace after ace. Here was father with two cows. Here was Sol hunched over the breakfast table. The pictures

21、eddied and rushed. The more frantic they grew, the clearer my voice became, tolling like a bell: 'Sol! Sol! Sol!' The cupboard rang with voices, some mine, some echoes, some from what seemed another place - where Sol was, maybe. The cupboard seemed to groan and reverberate, as if shaken by l

22、ightning and thunder. Any minute now it would burst open and I would find myself in a green valley fed by limpid brooks and red with hibiscus. I would run through tall grass and wading into the waters, see Sol picking flowers. I would open my eyes and he'd be there, hibiscus-laden, laughing. Whe

23、re have you been, he'd say, as if it were I who had burned, falling in ashes. I was filled to bursting with a certainty so strong it seemed a celebration almost. Sobbing, I opened my eyes. The bulb winked at the walls. 此刻我明白了一切已無可逆轉(zhuǎn)，眼下是最后時刻了。時間有限，一刻也容不得我耽擱浪費。我沖向櫥柜，緊閉雙眼，然后在微光中睜開眼大喊“索爾！索爾！索爾！”我多想腦

24、中一片空白，人死后一定如此吧?？墒歉赣H和索爾的身影如狂風(fēng)中的樹葉在我面前雜亂無章地旋繞，而我就是狂風(fēng)的風(fēng)眼。一會兒是父親在屋頂玩彈球，一會兒是索爾在俱樂部贏得一記又一記的發(fā)球；一會兒是父親和兩頭牛的情景，一會兒又是索爾伏在早餐桌旁。這些畫面在我腦海中翻涌澎湃著，越來越失控，我也愈加聲如洪鐘得喊著：“索爾！索爾！索爾！”櫥柜充斥著不同的聲音，我的叫喊和回聲，還有來自別處的聲音或許就是索爾所在的地方吧。那聲音似乎在櫥柜回蕩著，好像剛剛給雷電擊晃了一樣。它隨時都可能爆開，把我?guī)У揭挥木G谷，那兒淌著汩汩的清流，栽滿火紅的木槿。我穿越高高的草地，蹚水溪中，看到索爾在采摘花朵。我睜開雙眼，他就在那兒笑盈盈

25、地滿手捧著木槿花，問我去了哪里，好像給燒成灰燼的那個人是我。我抽泣著睜開了雙眼，閃爍的是墻上那燈泡。 I fell asleep, I think, because I awoke to a deeper darkness. It was late, much past my bedtime. Slowly I crawled out of the cupboard, my tongue furred, my feet heavy. My mind felt like lead. （這些是什么癥狀？）Then I heard my name. Mother was in her chair b

26、y the window, her body defined by a thin ray of moonlight. Your father Will be well, she said quietly, and he will be home soon. The shaft of light in which she sat so motionless was like the light that would have touched Sol if he'd been lucky; if he had been like one of us, one in a dozen, or

27、less. This light fell in a benediction, caressing mother, slipping gently over my father in his hospital bed six streets away. I reached out and stroked my mother's arm. It was warm like bath water, her skin the texture of hibiscus. 我想我是睡著了，因為我感覺到更深的黑暗。時間已晚了，以往的這個時候我早睡了。我慢吞吞地爬出了櫥柜，舌頭呈毛皮樣，雙腳沉重。接著

28、聽到有人喊我的名字。母親正靠窗坐在椅子上，薄薄的月光灑在她的身上。你爸爸會好的，她平靜地說，他會很快回家的。那一縷月光安詳?shù)鼗\罩著她，如果索爾能幸免于難，如果他和我們大家一樣也只是“十里挑一”或者更少，那么這縷光線也定會灑在他身上。光線帶著祈禱降臨，輕撫著母親，輕輕掠過父親那六個街頭外的病床。我伸手撫著母親的手臂，如洗澡水般溫暖，又恰似木槿花般細(xì)膩。 We stayed together for some time, my mother and I, invaded by small night sounds and the raspy whirr of crickets. Then I st

29、ood up and turned to return to my room. Mother looked at me quizzically. Are you all right, she asked. I told her I was fine, that I had some cleaning up to do. Then I went to my cupboard and stacked it up again with teddy bears and picture books. 我們一起待了許久。夜晚隱約的聲響夾雜著蟋蟀的唧唧鳴叫占據(jù)著我和母親。我起身回到自己的房間。母親好奇地探問

30、我，你沒事吧？我告訴她我沒事，要去整理些東西。然后我走向櫥柜，把泰迪熊和圖冊重新堆好。 Some years later we moved to Rourkela, a small mining town in the north east, near Jamshedpur. The summer I turned sixteen, I got lost in the thick woods there. They weren't that deep - about three miles at the most. All I had to do was cycle for all I

31、 was worth, and in minutes I'd be on the dirt road leading into town. But a stir in the leaves gave me pause. 幾年之后我們搬到了東北部靠近賈姆謝德布爾的一個礦業(yè)小城盧科拉。那年夏天我16歲，在當(dāng)?shù)孛艿纳掷锩粤寺?。那片森林并不太深，方圓頂多三英里。我只要盡力轉(zhuǎn)上一圈，沒多久就可以到達泥路然后沿路去往縣城。但我聽到樹葉的攪動，便停下了腳步。I dismounted and stood listening. Branches arched like claws overhead. The sky crawled on a white belly of clouds. Shadows fell in tessellated