杰·雷諾愛默生學(xué)院2014畢業(yè)典禮演講

杰?雷諾愛默生學(xué)院2014畢業(yè)典禮演講JayLeno,welcomehome杰?雷諾歡迎回家ByvirtueofthepowervestedinmebytheCommonwealthofMassachusetts我將行使馬薩諸塞州andtheBoardofTrusteesofEmersonCollege和愛默生學(xué)院校董會(huì)授予我的權(quán)力Iherebyconferuponyouthehonorarydegreeofdoctorofhumaneletters授予你人文學(xué)榮譽(yù)博士學(xué)位whichyouhavesojustlyearned這是你應(yīng)得的withalltherights,privilegesandresponsibilitiespertainingthereto以及所有與此相關(guān)的權(quán)利特權(quán)和責(zé)任andinviteyoutodeliverthismorning'scommencementaddress我邀請(qǐng)你到此做今晨的畢業(yè)演講Thankyouverymuch,Thankyou非常感謝大家謝謝Iamthelittlemanonthistotempole,verydistinguishedpeople我是這個(gè)圖騰柱上眾多杰出人士中很不起眼的一個(gè)IthankDonLemonfortakingtimeoutforlookingthatairplanetobeheretoday感謝唐?萊蒙花時(shí)間幫我訂了今天到這里的機(jī)票Thankyou謝謝你Iknowyougottagetback我知道你要回去Wellwhat'sbetter?Mother'sdayandgraduation?母親節(jié)和畢業(yè)在一天還有什么更好的Isthereanygreatermomgiftintheworld,lookatthat,howaboutthat?還有更好的母親節(jié)禮物嗎這真是太棒了IwanttothankPresidentPeltonandchairmanofboardJeffGreenhawt我要感謝佩爾頓校長(zhǎng)和校董會(huì)主席杰夫?格林霍特fortheopportunitytobewithyoutoday讓我今天有機(jī)會(huì)來到這里YouknowI'mstunnedtobehere到這里讓我受寵若驚Istillcan'tbelievethatI'macollegegraduate我現(xiàn)在都還無法相信自己竟然大學(xué)畢業(yè)了IstillhavenightmaresthatIhaveteststotake我還做著噩夢(mèng)夢(mèng)到有考試要考andtakemyword,Iwasaterriblestudent說真的我是個(gè)很差的學(xué)生I'mdislexic,here'showthisdyslexiawastreatedwhenIwasakid我有失讀癥我小時(shí)候失讀癥是這樣治的Smartenup,hey,smartenup,hey,smartenup聰明些嘿聰明些嘿聰明些Thatwasthecurefordyslexia失讀癥就是這樣治的Infact,oneday實(shí)際上有一天theguyinmyhighschoolcalledmymomandhesaid我的高中老師把我媽媽找來說haveyoueverthoughtoftakingJayoutofschool你有沒有想過把杰從學(xué)校領(lǐng)回去Youknow,Mrs.Leno,educationisnotforeveryone雷諾夫人教育并非對(duì)每個(gè)人都合適Andthenhesaid,JayworksinMcDonald's他說杰可以到麥當(dāng)勞工作youknowtheyhaveawonderfulhamburgeruniversityprogram他們有一個(gè)很棒的漢堡大學(xué)項(xiàng)目wheretheyteachthekidshowtomakechange教學(xué)生如何得到改善itjustcouldbearealopportunityforJay這對(duì)杰而言是個(gè)很好的機(jī)會(huì)I'msittingthere,going,hello,I'mintheroom我則坐在那里說哈羅我在房間里Andlikealotofyou,Iwastheclassclown,andI'dliketoshowoff和你們很多人一樣我是班上的小丑喜歡嘩眾取寵IthoughtI'dliketogointoshowbusiness我想進(jìn)入脫口秀表演業(yè)butIhadnevermetanybodyinshowbusinessinMassachusetts但我在馬薩諸塞州從未碰到過任何脫口秀表演業(yè)的人Andshowbusinessisoneofthoserarejobsorprofessions滑稽表演這個(gè)行業(yè)很獨(dú)特wherepeoplewhoknowabsolutelynothingaboutitfeelfreetogiveyouadvice對(duì)它一無所知的人都能隨意提出建議Aneighborlady,Mrs.Langelltellmymother我鄰居蘭蓋爾夫人跟我媽說youcan'tbeacomedianunlessyourfatherwasacomedian父親不是喜劇演員的人別想當(dāng)喜劇演員That'sthewayitisandhowitwould情況就是這樣Youcan'tdoitunlessyourfatherwasacomedian要當(dāng)喜劇演員父親必須是喜劇演員Isaidokay,soIguessthat'sout我說好吧不過這已經(jīng)過時(shí)了AndthenforsomeoddreasonIwenttoBentleySchoolofAccountingandFinance然后出于很獨(dú)特的原因我進(jìn)入了本特利會(huì)計(jì)與金融學(xué)校Youknowwhy?知道為什么嗎Becauseitwasclosetomyhouse因?yàn)樗x我家近That'swhyIwentthere這就是我去那里的原因Adyslexicaccountant,Ilastedonesemester一個(gè)失讀癥會(huì)計(jì)我在那待了一個(gè)學(xué)期onesemester一個(gè)學(xué)期ThenEmersonCollegesavedmylife然后愛默生學(xué)院挽救了我的人生IremembersomebodytellingmetherewasthisliberalartscollegeinBoston我記得有人告訴我波士頓的這家文科院校wherealotofpeoplelikemeendedup很多和我一樣的人都來到這里ItwascalledEmerson它叫愛默生AndIcamehereinMayforameeting我五月來到這里anditwastoldtherewasnotmuchchancetogetintothefallsemester學(xué)校告訴我我沒有秋季入學(xué)的機(jī)會(huì)especiallyamigrate特別是非本地人ThenIjustpleadedwiththeadministrator,Isaid,look我請(qǐng)求管理者說Look,thisismylastchance這是我最后的機(jī)會(huì)了thisistheonlyplacewhereIcanlearnhowtobeacomedian這是我想成為喜劇演員唯一能去的位置theonlyplacethatcanhelpmedothat這是唯一能夠幫我實(shí)現(xiàn)目的的地方Hepausedforamomentandhesaid,well,makeupajokeaboutEmerson他頓了一下說那你講個(gè)關(guān)于愛默生學(xué)院的笑話吧Youwanttobeacomedian你想當(dāng)喜劇演員Saysomethingfunnyaboutthisplace講講這個(gè)地方的笑話ItookamomentandIsaidokay我想了下說here'stheweirdthingaboutEmersonCollege愛默生學(xué)院的這一點(diǎn)很有趣Youcanhavegirlsinyourroom,youcanhavedrugsinyourroom你可以把女生帶到寢室可以把毒品帶到寢室youcanhavesexinyourroom24hoursadayifyouwantedto如果你想一天做愛24小時(shí)都沒人管Theonlythingyou'renotallowedtohave,ahotplate他們唯一不讓你做的事是使用電爐Amanwentby,what'sgoingon有人會(huì)來敲門問你們?cè)诟闶裁碔t'sgettinglateandgettinghot,you'recookingsoup這里感覺好熱你們肯定是在煮湯Hey,you'remakingsoupinthere嘿你們肯定是在煮湯Againstalltherulesanddisregardingmybadacademicrecord我違反過好多規(guī)則學(xué)術(shù)成績(jī)也很糟糕hesaidyou'rewillingtogotosummerschool他問你想讀暑期班嗎AndIsaid,yeah,yeah,I'vegotnoproblemswithsummerschool我說好好讀暑期班我沒意見Andhesaidyou'rein他說那你來吧Andforthefirsttimeinmylife,being這是我人生中第一次funnyhavegottenmesomethingbesidesdetention通過講笑話獲得獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)而不是被關(guān)禁閉actuallygotmeintocollege這讓我有大學(xué)讀Andforthesecondtimeinmylife之后我在人生中Imetpeoplewiththesameinterestasme又碰到和我志同道合的人Thisisthefirstplace這是第一個(gè)peopledidn'trolltheireyeswhentheysaytheywanttobeacomedian說想成為喜劇演員不用遮遮掩掩的地方Y(jié)ouknowwhenyousaythattoyourparents,friends,they'relike一般來說當(dāng)你跟父母或朋友說想當(dāng)喜劇演員時(shí)oh,we'resorry他們會(huì)說我們很遺憾HeardaboutJay聽說過杰嗎Andourdormwasa206bighistory我們宿舍有著206年的古老歷史thefirsttimeIdidcomedywithmyroommateJimBronstein我第一次在里面跟室友吉姆?布朗斯丁演喜劇alsoastudentwhowentontobeacomedywriteraswell這個(gè)學(xué)生后來成為了一名喜劇作家AndEmersongavemethatopportunity愛默生給了我這個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)PlusIlearnedstuff,Ilearnedrealstuff而且我學(xué)到了真正的東西Iremembertakingablackhistorycourse我記得上過一門黑人歷史課andreadingJamesBaldwinandDickGregory讀詹姆斯?鮑德溫和迪克?格雷戈里的作品andforthefirsttimeinmylife我人生中第一次意識(shí)到IrealizedallthethingsIdidn'tknow自己不知道這么多東西Imean,IalwaysknewIcouldn'tdomath當(dāng)然我一直知道自己不懂?dāng)?shù)學(xué)butIhadnoideaIwasthisclueless但我原來不知道連這些我也不知道Myproblemwasatthattime,EmersonCollegehadnostand-upcomedyprogram我的問題是當(dāng)時(shí)在愛默生學(xué)院沒有單口喜劇節(jié)目Itriedoutforthedramadepartment我去過戲劇系butwasintimidatedandIjustfailedmiserably結(jié)果失敗了而且失敗很慘重Soratherthantryagain,Igotachiponmyshoulder我沒有再嘗試而是感到非常憋屈totheattitude,oh,thisisgoingtobeonthetest我很不喜歡他們的態(tài)度我心想Iwasright,theywerewrong,I'llshowthem我是對(duì)的他們錯(cuò)了我要證明給他們看Iwon'tlearnanything我不打算學(xué)任何東西SoIkindofturnedmybackonEmerson這時(shí)我轉(zhuǎn)身背離了愛默生anddecidedtotryandgoitalone決定自己出去打拼Imean,Ididn'tdropoutoranythinglikethat當(dāng)然我沒有退學(xué)Ijustdidthebasicminimumnecessarytogetby我只是在學(xué)校中花最小精力得過且過SothenIliterallywentdoor-to-doortryingtobeacomedian之后我嘗試逐門逐戶推銷自己的喜劇YouknowBostonwasaveryseriousplace波士頓是一個(gè)很嚴(yán)肅的地方especiallystudentsinthe60sand70s特別是六七十年代的學(xué)生Mostclubsdidalotofstopyouwarmmachinemusicandthatkindofstuff很多俱樂部都只允許一些音樂節(jié)目withtheexceptionofmaybeGeorgeCarlinandRichardPryor除了喬治?卡林和理查德?普賴爾之外mostcomedydidn'treallyfitinwithcollegestudents大多數(shù)喜劇都不受大學(xué)生歡迎IwillgotomusicclubsandItellthem,I'macomedian我去這些音樂俱樂部說我是喜劇演員andtheysaid,getlost他們說滾開AndthenIputa$50billonthebarandI'dsay我于是掏出五十美元放到臺(tái)上說look,ifpeopleleave,youkeepthe50如果觀眾離場(chǎng)這五十就是你的了butiftheylaughandstay,givememy50back如果他們笑了這五十我就收回來Andthatworkedout這在當(dāng)時(shí)能起作用hardatthetime才怪了Sometimesitwasjustgutwrenching有時(shí)這非常虐心TherewasjustoneclubIwenttosaid,you'reinunion?我去的一家俱樂部問你是協(xié)會(huì)成員嗎Isaidno我說不是Ididn'tknowtherewasunion我不知道有協(xié)會(huì)Theysaid,ohyeah,Ican'thireyouunlessyou'reinunion他們說我們不能招你你連協(xié)會(huì)都沒入Hesaid,goandseemyfriendattheafterofficeoverthatstreetdown他說你可以到街那頭去找我的一位朋友SoIgooverthereandthisguysays于是我去找到那個(gè)人Isaidyeah,Iwanttobeacomedian我跟他說我想當(dāng)一名喜劇演員Isaid,I'vebeentryingtodoitforaboutayear我說我嘗試一年了Hesaid,ayear,you'resupposedtobeifyoujointheunioninthreemonths他說一年入?yún)f(xié)會(huì)三個(gè)月就行了Icouldfindyourightnow,youcouldbeaviolation我可以馬上破格加你Isaid,well,howmuchdoesittaketojoin我問加入要多少錢Hesaid,$300他說300美元Isaid,Idon'thave$300andthen我說我沒有那么多錢然后hesaidthosemagicwords,howmuchyougot他說了那些騙子常說的話那你有多少Youknow,IknewIwasmakingamistake我當(dāng)時(shí)就知道這很有可能是騙局youknowyoujustwantedtobelieve我只是想給自己一些憧憬IjustknewIwasmakingamistake,Ijustwantedtobelieve我知道自己錯(cuò)了但還是希望這是真的SoIgavehimallthemoneythatIhave于是我把所有的錢都給了他Isaid,Ihave$75我說我有75美元Hesaid,oh,givemethat他說好給我吧Thenhegivesmehisbusinesscard,therewritesbackonthebusinesscard,unionman然后他就給我名片背面寫有協(xié)會(huì)成員Hesays,youshowthiscardtoanyclub他說你可以把它出示給任何俱樂部Ifeltlikecocoaandfame,rememberthatmovie我感覺就像名揚(yáng)四海中的科科記得那部電影嗎SoIgotthiscardthatsaysunionman我拿著這張寫有協(xié)會(huì)成員的卡片andIgobacktothenightclubandIhandedittotheguy回到夜總會(huì)給那里的人看andtheguybreaksoutlaughing夜總會(huì)的人忍不住大笑出來andhesayswedon'thirecomedians,getlost他說我們不招喜劇演員走開Okay,nowI'mstupidandbroke這時(shí)我不僅顯得愚蠢而且身無分文IusedtodrivetoNewYorkeverysinglenight我曾每晚都開車去紐約totryandgetouttheimprovinNewYorkCity嘗試在紐約市找到即興演出機(jī)會(huì)Atthetime,thatwastheonlyplacethatfeaturedunknowncomedians當(dāng)時(shí)紐約是唯一讓不知名的喜劇演員演出的地方ThatdrivetoNewYorkeverynightoreverydayafterclassrather每天下課我都會(huì)驅(qū)車去紐約andIsleepinthealleyacoupleblocksfromtheimprov我睡在離即興演出地點(diǎn)一兩個(gè)街區(qū)遠(yuǎn)的小巷子里Itwastheonlydeadendalleyaround這是附近唯一的死胡同Soitwasprettyquietuntilmidnight一直都很安靜直到午夜whentheprostituteswhobringtheircustomersthere妓女們帶著她們的客人回來andI'msleeping,I'mlike50feetaway,I'mgoing我就睡在五十英尺外的地方我心想reallyisthisshowbusiness?這就是脫口秀表演業(yè)嗎Thisiswhatacollegedegreegetsme?這就是大學(xué)文憑給我的嗎butmysavinggracewasEmersonCollege不過愛默生學(xué)院挽救了我becausenomatterhowawfulgiveswere無論我的境況有多糟IalwayshadaplacetogobackandtechnicallyIwasn'tahomelesscomedian我總都地方可以回我并不是一個(gè)無家可歸的喜劇演員Iwasstillastudenttryingtobeacomedian我仍是一個(gè)想當(dāng)喜劇演員的學(xué)生AndEmersonCollegeletmedothat愛默生學(xué)院給了我這個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)andnobody'smorestunnedthanIwaswhenIgraduated我竟然能畢業(yè)沒人比我自己更吃驚了Youknow,thisisthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadeverfinishedanything這是我這一生中首次完成某項(xiàng)成就的AndIhadtobelieveIcouldgraduatecollege,ohmygod,Icoulddoanything這讓我相信連大學(xué)都能畢業(yè)還有什么做不了的呢SowhatIwanttodonowistrytopassontoyou下面我想跟大家分享someofthethingsI'velearnedaboutshowbusiness脫口秀表演業(yè)中我所學(xué)到的Hereare20rulesinnoparticularorder二十條規(guī)則排名不分先后Firstrulepoolofshowbusiness脫口秀表演業(yè)第1條規(guī)則Trynottogetaregularjob不要去做常規(guī)工作Whenyouhavearegularjob,youwindupactinglikeregularpeople如果去做常規(guī)工作你最后就會(huì)淪為普通人Andifyougraduatefromhere,you'renotaregularperson要知道從這里畢業(yè)的都不是普通人Regularpeoplehavedayjobssotheycouldpayforstuff普通人有常規(guī)工作有錢可以支付賬單andpayingforstuffmeansyouhavetogotowork要支付賬單就意味著你要去工作andgoingtoworkmeansyou'llhavetoskiptheauditionforthe要去工作就意味著沒時(shí)間參加試演partyourfriendgotinsteadofyouwhoisnowabigstar這就意味著失去了當(dāng)大明星的機(jī)會(huì)Numbertwo第2條Onceyouleavehere,it'lltakeaboutfouryearstobreakintoshowbusiness畢業(yè)后大約還需要四年才能真正進(jìn)入脫口秀表演業(yè)thinkofthatasyourgraduateschool把這當(dāng)成是讀研究生You'lllearnwhichagentsarecrooks你將了解哪些經(jīng)紀(jì)人是混蛋you'lllearnwhicharenicepeople哪些是善良的人you'llgetrejected,you'llbelikedtoo有人會(huì)否認(rèn)你有人會(huì)喜歡你Youknow,onecastingdirectortoldmeIcouldneverworkontelevision有一個(gè)選角導(dǎo)演告訴我我永遠(yuǎn)上不了電視becauseIhadafacethatwouldfrightenchildren因?yàn)槲议L(zhǎng)著一張會(huì)把小孩嚇壞的臉SohesuggestedthatIgetmyjawrealigned他建議我去整一下下巴andsentmetothisplasticsurgeonthatheknew還給我引薦了他相熟的整形醫(yī)生andthesurgeonsaid,yes,yes,wecanfixyourjaw這位醫(yī)生說我們可以修正你的下巴We'llhavetobreakyourjawandthenrehangit首先要把它敲下來然后再連上去andyou'llbeoutofcommissionforawhile,youwillnotbeabletotalk你將需要休息一段時(shí)間有一段時(shí)間不能說話Isaid,well,howlongwillInotbeabletotalk,Hesaidaboutayear我問要休息多久他說大概一年Isaid,ayear?我說一年？Isaid,I'macomedian,Icannottalkforayear?我可是一個(gè)喜劇演員你讓我一年不說話？Sodon'tgetdiscouraged.Thinkofthat記住別氣餒想想這個(gè)Ifyouwereadoctor,thatwouldbeyourresidency如果你是醫(yī)生你可以把這四年當(dāng)成實(shí)習(xí)期You'reanartist,sufferforyourwork,paintyourselfintoacorner你是一位藝術(shù)家忍受你的工作不要挑三揀四takeeverydegrading,humiliatingshowbusinessjobyoucanget滑稽表演的任何機(jī)會(huì)都得上無論多么讓你感到丟臉thatdoesn'trequiretakingyourclothesoff只要不讓你脫光衣服就行Andyoulearnsomething,everyexperience你將學(xué)到很多anditwillgiveyougreatpedalwhenyougoonlatenighttalkshows這對(duì)你以后進(jìn)入晚間脫口秀絕對(duì)大有好處Number4第4條Alwayskeeppeopleinyourlifewhodon'tquiteunderstandwhatisitthatyoudo在生活中和一些不大理解你在做什么的人保持聯(lián)系Itwillkeepyouhumble這會(huì)讓你保持謙恭You'reneverasinformedasyouthinkyouare你其實(shí)沒有自己以為的那么了不起WhenIwasonthecoverofTimemagazinethefirsttime我第一次登上時(shí)代周刊封面的時(shí)候DonLemon唐?萊蒙Icalledmymomandtellher,Isaid我打電話我媽我跟她說heymom,I'monthecoverofTimemagazine媽我上了時(shí)代周刊封面Mymomsaid,whichonewasit?我媽問什么封面IsaidTimemagazine我說時(shí)代周刊Mymomsaid,whichone?我媽問哪個(gè)Timemagazine,thebignewsmagazine,Timemagazine時(shí)代周刊很牛的新聞雜志時(shí)代周刊Isaid,I'mgoingtocallUncleFrankinNewYork我說我要打電話給紐約的弗蘭克叔叔andcallUncleTonyinMiami和邁阿密的托尼叔叔andtellthemI'monthecoverofTimemagazine告訴他們我登上了時(shí)代周刊封面Mymothersaid,Idon'tthinkso我媽說我不這么認(rèn)為Isaid,whatdoyoumeanyoudon'tthinkso?我問什么叫你不這么認(rèn)為Shegoeswhat?Shesaid,Ithinktheyputyouonthecoverofonesaystillaroundhere她說我想他們把你放到這里的封面上becausetheyknowyou'refromthisarea是因?yàn)樗麄冎滥銇碜赃@個(gè)地方Shesaid,Idon'tthinkyou'reonthecoverofMiami她說我不認(rèn)為邁阿密的封面上也是你Igo,I'monthecoverinMiami我說邁阿密的封面上也是我Number5第5條myfavoritequotefromthefollowingpoetnamedJohnGreenleafWhittier是詩(shī)人約翰?格林里夫?惠蒂埃的名言中我最喜歡的一句andhisquoteis"Ofallsadwordsoftongueorpen,thesaddestarethese所有描繪可悲的言辭中最可悲的莫過于’本來可以的’itmight'vebeen,"Ilovethatquote,because我很喜歡這句話youknow,thereisnothingwrongwithfailingbecauseyou'renotgoodenough錯(cuò)誤沒有什么這只是因?yàn)槟悴粔蚝肨hereisnothingsadderthanIcould'vehaditifIjusttriedalittleharder如果失敗僅僅因?yàn)槿鄙僖稽c(diǎn)努力那就再可悲不過了Ifthere'ssomeoneinshowbusinessthatyou'retryingtoemulateoryouadmire如果脫口秀表演業(yè)中你很尊敬或是希望模仿某位演員andyouwishtowritefor,writethatpersonaletter你想給他寫劇本請(qǐng)給這個(gè)人寫信andtryhandingittotheminpersonifpossible并盡可能親手將信遞到他手上Youknow,nothingconnectshumanbeingstooneanothermorethanhumancontact沒有什么比面對(duì)面接觸更能將人聯(lián)系在一起的Thesepeopleareartists.Withanyluck,theywillseeinyoualittlebitthemselves這些人都是藝術(shù)家他們可能會(huì)從你身上看到他們自己的影子Nowcontrarytowhatyoumightthink可能同你們想的不一樣peoplereallydoliketohelpyoungpeople人們都喜歡幫助年輕人AlmosteverypersonthatworkedformeintheTonightShow今夜秀中工作的任何人haveneverworkedintelevisionbefore之前幾乎都沒在電視上干過Ineverhiredanybodyfromagents我從不從經(jīng)紀(jì)人那招人Allpeoplethatapproachme,wemadeeyetoeyecontact,wemadeagoodimpression我總是要和這些人進(jìn)行眼神交流留下好的印象Iwillspendmoretimewiththepersonthatdrovehalfwayaroundthecountry我更愿意用那些愿意驅(qū)車穿越半個(gè)美國(guó)theyhandmeapageofjokes親手把喜劇稿遞給我的人thanthepersonthatsendsmeanemailthatsaysIwouldliketoworkforyoubut我不喜歡那些發(fā)郵件說我想為你工作Idon'twanttoleaveCleveland但我不想離開克利夫蘭的人Number5,ornumber7rather第5條不對(duì)是第7條Keep,seehowdyslexicIam,Isaidnumber5看到我的失讀癥了吧我竟然說第5條Keepthefriendsyou'vemadehere同這里結(jié)交的朋友保持聯(lián)系Oneofthemcouldbethekeytoyoursuccess他們可能成為你成功的關(guān)鍵oryoucouldbethekeytotheirs你也可能成為他們成功的關(guān)鍵Iknowthismaybehardtobelievebutit'sreallynotcutthroatbusiness我知道這有點(diǎn)難以置信不過這個(gè)行當(dāng)并不會(huì)爭(zhēng)得你死我活WhenIwasstarting,Igotmoreworkfromothercomedians我剛開始的時(shí)候從其他喜劇演員那里thanIevergotfromagentsormanagers得到的幫助要遠(yuǎn)多于經(jīng)紀(jì)人Thepersonsittingnexttoyoutodaycouldbethekeytoyoursuccess今天你旁邊坐的人可能成為你今后成功的關(guān)鍵PeoplelikeSteveMartinhelpedmetremendously史蒂夫?馬丁等人對(duì)我的幫助非常大AndwhenIhadalittlesuccess,IpersonallywenttoJohnnyCarson我小有成就的時(shí)候去找過約翰尼?卡森totellhimaboutEllenDeGeneres跟他講艾倫?德詹尼絲Youknowwhat?It'sreallyawonderfulbusiness這是一個(gè)很美妙的行當(dāng)Youdon'tpolluteanything,youdon'tmakedangerouschemicals,youdon'thurtthe你不會(huì)造成環(huán)境污染不會(huì)生產(chǎn)危險(xiǎn)化學(xué)品environment,theworstthingyoucando你做得最糟糕也只不過是isnotraisethehumanspirit不能提高人類精神文明That'sreallytheworstthingyoucando你沒辦法做更糟糕的事情Number8,donotjudgeyourownsuccessbythesuccessofothers第8點(diǎn)不要用別人的成功來衡量你自己Iwasveryfortunate.WhenIstartoutasacomedian我很幸運(yùn)我剛開始搞喜劇時(shí)IwastheonlycomedianIknew只認(rèn)識(shí)我自己一位喜劇演員Soconsequently,IhadnoideahowterribleIwas因?yàn)闆]有比較我不知道自己有多爛WhenIwasdoingoldpeople'sbirthdaypartiesforthestatefor$10aday我曾在一個(gè)老頭的生日宴上講笑話日進(jìn)10美元Ithought,hehe,Ihadmadeit,10bucksaday我心想嘿嘿我太厲害了一天賺了10美元Betsy,youlikecomedians?貝琪你喜歡喜劇演員嗎That'swhatitwas.Itwasanightmare.IhadnoideahowbadIwas情況就是這樣了簡(jiǎn)直是噩夢(mèng)我不知道自己有多爛ButbythetimeIgottoLosAngeles之后我去了洛杉磯andmetLettermanandRobinWilliamsandJerrySeinfeld碰到了萊特曼羅賓?威廉姆斯杰瑞?宋飛I'vebeendoingitforafewyears,Iwasn'tthrownhowgoodthecompetitionwas我干了幾年一直都沒被殘酷競(jìng)爭(zhēng)所擊潰Number9第9點(diǎn)Neverturndownajobbecauseofthemoney不要因?yàn)殄X拒絕一份工作onlyturnitdownbecauseyoudon'tlikeit拒絕工作只能是因?yàn)槟悴幌矚g它Moneywillcomelater.Don'tevenworryaboutit錢以后會(huì)來不要擔(dān)心它Number10第10點(diǎn)It'snicetobelieveinyourself相信自己很好it'sbettertohaveotherpeoplebelieveinyou讓其他人相信你會(huì)更好Thatreallyworthmuchbetter真的要好很多Number11,here'sanotherruleIobserved第11點(diǎn)這是我觀察到的另一條規(guī)則Ifyoucanstayinthisbusinessforsevenyears如果你能在這個(gè)行業(yè)待七年youcanstayintherestofyourlife那么你一輩子都可以待在這個(gè)行業(yè)中BythatImean,ifyoucanphysicallymakeittothestage我說的也就是如果你能走到臺(tái)上alltherecordingstudio,allthemoviesetforsevenyearswithoutscrewingup完成所有錄音錄像七年而不搞砸youwillmakealivinginthisbusiness.Iknowthatsoundssimplistic你就能在這個(gè)行業(yè)干一輩子我知道這有些簡(jiǎn)單化butthinkofallthecareersthatcanbesidelined不過想想所有那些bygreedandenvyanddrugsandalcohol,sex,ego能夠被貪婪嫉妒毒品酒精性自負(fù)搞砸的行業(yè)it'susuallyneveryourtalentoryourabilitiesthatyou'rein,it'soneofthosethings通常讓你能夠待在行業(yè)中的并不是你的才能Sokeepyoureyeontheball時(shí)刻警惕那些東西NowIknowthismightsoundodd這聽起來可能有些奇怪butit'sreallyageneticflawthatmakesusgointoshowbusiness但讓我們進(jìn)入脫口秀行當(dāng)?shù)拇_實(shí)是一種遺傳缺陷Imean,whatnormalpeoplewanttostandonthestage,havevegetablesthrownonthem哪會(huì)有正常人想要站在臺(tái)上等別人朝他臉上扔蔬菜Theydon't沒人想這樣Ireadsomewherethatmostpeople'sgreatestfearishavingtospeakinpublic我聽說很多人最害怕的就是在公眾面前講話Theyfrightentodeathofit他們害怕得要死Wearefortunatetoliveinanagewhenitobviouslypaidhugedividends我們很幸運(yùn)能夠活在一個(gè)講笑話能發(fā)財(cái)?shù)臅r(shí)代IfthiswasancientRome如果是在古羅馬andCaesarsaidwhyareallthosesoldierslaughing凱撒說那些士兵在笑什么Well,thatguyisentertainingthem有個(gè)人在講笑話Really?Killhim真的嗎殺了他Number12,youcannevermakeittoolate,youcanonlymakeittoosoon第12點(diǎn)成功永遠(yuǎn)沒有太晚只有太早Youknow,showbusinessislikegolf.Ifyouplayitrightyoucandoittoyour80s脫口秀行當(dāng)就像打高爾夫球80歲都能打Whenyoustartoutinshowbusiness,Iknow開始進(jìn)入脫口秀行當(dāng)后hoursaredays,daysareweeks,weeksareyears我開始覺得有些度日如年IthoughtIwastheoldestguy我覺得我很老了IthoughtIwasthelastguyeverdothisnightshow我覺得我是搞夜間秀的最后一個(gè)人Iwasonly27yearsold其實(shí)我只有27歲Butthenwegettotheagethewholethingsturnusaround之后一切都反過來了andyearsareweeks,andweeksaredays,anddaysarehours我開始覺得度年如日Soitkindofchanged這會(huì)發(fā)生變化Number13第13點(diǎn)Ifyoucan'tgetinfrontdoor,gothroughbackdoor如果前門進(jìn)不來那就進(jìn)后門Youknow,foryears,Icouldn'tgettoTonightShow我有很多年都沒能進(jìn)入今夜秀Iauditioned,Iauditioned,Ijustcouldn'tgetit我試演過很多次但就是不行Youknowwhy?Iwasn'tgoodenough知道為什么嗎因?yàn)槲也粔蚝肗othingpersonal,Iwasn'tgoodenough沒什么別的問題就是不夠好SoIdideverysecond-ratecablebadtalkshowIcouldgetmyhandson于是我接了很多能夠接手的二線有線電視脫口秀untilIwasgoodenough直到我變得足夠好Don'tpoutandbeaholelikeIwaswhenIcouldn'tpassadramaaudition在通不過喜劇試演時(shí)不要自暴自棄Keeptrying繼續(xù)努力Number14,youcanonlyliveinthetimeyoulivein第14點(diǎn)你只能生活在你所生活的時(shí)代Ihadayoungcomediancomeuponetimeandhesaid曾經(jīng)有個(gè)年輕喜劇演員跑來跟我說youguysallcameupduringthegoldenageofcomedywhenitwaseasier你們這些人都生活在喜劇的黃金年代這讓你們很容易成功Sowhatareyouadvocating?Timetravel?Shutupyourmouth你想說什么時(shí)間旅行嗎閉上你的嘴Number15,thisone'sreallyimportant第15點(diǎn)這一點(diǎn)很重要Don'thavearelationshipwithapartnerwhodoesn'tgetit不要同志不同道不合的人搭伙Someonesays,whydoyouhavetogotosomanyauditions有人問你干嘛要去試演那么多次Next,moveon,thatpersonisnotforyou下一個(gè)這個(gè)人不適合你Okay,letmetellyousomething讓我給你們講講untilyourcreativethirstisquenched除非你的創(chuàng)作欲望枯竭了youarenotgoingtobehappywithanyone.You'reanartist否則你不會(huì)對(duì)任何人都滿意你是一名藝術(shù)家Iftheycan'tshareyourpainandyourjoy.It'snotgoingtowork如果他們無法分享你的痛苦和喜悅那是行不通的Youneedasolemate,notasellmate.That'sprettymuchit你需要一個(gè)精神伴侶而不是經(jīng)營(yíng)伴侶Number16,nevergoonstagemad第16點(diǎn)不要在舞臺(tái)上發(fā)瘋Ifyou'reinafightwithsomeoneevenifyou'rerightjustapologize如果你同某人打架哪怕你是對(duì)的請(qǐng)道歉Thisismoreimportant.Angerrobscreativity這很重要憤怒會(huì)偷走創(chuàng)造性Irememberwatchingthegreatcomedyonce.It'sreallyfunny我曾經(jīng)觀看過一出很棒的喜劇很有趣untilhestartedtalkingabouthisex-wife直到他開始講他的前妻It'slike,somethingelsehashappenedtoyou這就像進(jìn)入了另一個(gè)世界Soremember,Angerrobscreativity記住憤怒會(huì)偷走創(chuàng)造性Number17,andthisisimportant第17點(diǎn)這一點(diǎn)很