黃色墻紙中譯本

黃色壁紙CharlottePerkinsGilman像約翰和我這樣的普通人在夏天很少有安穩(wěn)的祠堂。殖民時期的豪宅，世襲的莊園，我會說鬼屋，并達(dá)到浪漫幸福的高度——但這對命運(yùn)的要求太高了!盡管如此，我還是要驕傲地說，這里面有一些奇怪的地方。否則，它為什么要賣得這么便宜呢?又為什么這么長時間無人居住?約翰當(dāng)然會嘲笑我，但在婚姻中，這是意料之中的。約翰是一個極端實(shí)際的人。他對信仰沒有耐心，對迷信極度恐懼，他公開嘲笑那些不能被感覺、不能被看見、不能用數(shù)字記錄下來的東西。約翰是個醫(yī)生，PERHAPS——(當(dāng)然，我不會對活人說，但這是一篇毫無生氣的文章，對我的心靈是一種極大的安慰)——PERHAPS這就是我不能更快康復(fù)的一個原因。你看，他不相信我病了!那又能怎么辦呢?如果一位聲望很高的醫(yī)生，同時也是她自己的丈夫，向朋友和親戚保證，她真的沒有什么問題，只是暫時的精神壓抑——一種輕微的歇斯底里傾向——那么她該怎么辦呢?我哥哥也是一名醫(yī)生，地位也很高，他也是這么說的。所以我服用磷酸鹽或亞磷酸鹽——不管是什么，還有補(bǔ)藥、旅行、空氣和運(yùn)動，我絕對禁止我“工作”，直到我恢復(fù)健康。就我個人而言，我不同意他們的觀點(diǎn)。就我個人而言，我相信有激情和變化的意趣相投的工作對我有好處。但我該怎么辦呢?盡管如此，我還是寫了一段時間;不過這確實(shí)使我很累——不得不這么狡詐，不然就會遭到強(qiáng)烈反對。有時我幻想，如果我少一些反對，多一些交際和刺激，我的處境就會好起來——可是約翰說，我能做的最糟糕的事情就是去想我的處境，我承認(rèn)這總是使我感到難過。所以我就不去管它，談?wù)劮孔拥氖隆Ｗ蠲赖牡胤?它孤零零地矗立在離大路很遠(yuǎn)的地方，離村子足足有三英里遠(yuǎn)。這使我想起了你在書上讀到的英國地方，因為那里有樹籬、圍墻和鎖著的大門，還有許多供園丁和人們居住的獨(dú)立的小房子。那里有一個美味的花園!我從來沒有見過這樣的花園——又大又陰，到處都是盒子邊的小徑，兩旁是長長的葡萄樹覆蓋的涼亭，涼亭下面有座位。這里也有溫室，但現(xiàn)在都壞了。我想，當(dāng)時在法律上遇到了一些麻煩，有關(guān)繼承人和共同繼承人的問題;總之，這地方已經(jīng)空了好幾年了?？峙逻@破壞了我的鬼魅，但我不在乎——這房子有點(diǎn)奇怪——我能感覺到。有一天月光下的晚上，我甚至對約翰也這么說過，可他說的話讓我覺得是一股涼風(fēng)，然后關(guān)上了窗戶。我有時會莫名其妙地生約翰的氣。我敢肯定我以前從來沒有這么敏感過。我想這是由于這種緊張狀態(tài)造成的。但約翰說，如果我有這種感覺，我就會忽視適當(dāng)?shù)淖晕铱刂?所以我煞費(fèi)苦心地控制自己——至少在他面前是這樣，這使我很累。我有點(diǎn)不喜歡我們的房間。我想要一間樓下對著廣場，窗戶上滿是玫瑰花的房間，而且非常老式印花棉布絞刑!但約翰不同意。他說只有一扇窗戶，沒有地方放兩張床，如果他再租一間，附近也沒有地方放他。他很細(xì)心，很有愛心，沒有特別的指示，他幾乎不讓我亂動。每天的每一個小時，我都有一個日程表;他把所有的照顧都交給了我，所以如果我不更加珍惜這一點(diǎn)，我就會感到卑鄙的忘恩負(fù)義。他說我們到這里來完全是為了我，要我好好休息，盡情呼吸新鮮空氣。“你的鍛煉取決于你的體力，親愛的，”他說，“你的飲食多少取決于你的胃口;但是空氣是可以隨時吸收的。”所以我們把育嬰室搬到了房子的頂層。這是一間通風(fēng)良好的大房間，幾乎占滿了整層樓，四面都有窗戶，空氣和陽光都很充足。起初是育嬰室，后來成了育嬰室我猜是游戲室和體育館;因為窗戶對小孩子是閂著的，墻上有環(huán)和東西。這些油漆和紙張看起來像是一所男校用過的。它——那張紙——被撕了下來，在我的床頭周圍，撕成了一大片一大片的，幾乎是我夠不著的地方，在房間另一邊的一個很大的地方，很低。我這輩子從沒見過比這更糟糕的紙了。一種雜亂無章的華麗圖案，每一種藝術(shù)罪。它足夠枯燥，足以混淆跟隨的眼睛，足夠明顯為了不斷地刺激和刺激研究，當(dāng)你沿著不確定的曲線走一段距離時，它們突然自殺了——以令人發(fā)指的角度墜落，在聞所未聞的矛盾中毀滅自己。顏色令人反感，幾乎令人作嘔;一種悶燒的不潔黃色，被緩慢轉(zhuǎn)動的陽光奇怪地褪去。在一些地方，它是一種暗淡而鮮亮的橙色，在另一些地方，它是一種令人作嘔的硫磺色。難怪孩子們討厭它!如果我不得不長期住在這個房間里，我自己也會討厭它的。約翰來了，我得把這東西收起來——他討厭讓我寫一個字。我們在這兒已經(jīng)兩個星期了，從第一天起，我就不想寫信了。我現(xiàn)在坐在窗戶邊，在這個可怕的育兒室里，除了體力不足，沒有什么能阻礙我隨心所欲地寫作。約翰整天都不在家，甚至有些晚上他的病情嚴(yán)重時也不在家。我很高興我的病不嚴(yán)重!但是這些神經(jīng)上的煩惱使我非常沮喪。約翰不知道我到底受了多少苦。他知道沒有理由受苦，這讓他很滿意。當(dāng)然，這只是緊張。這確實(shí)讓我感到壓力，所以我不能盡我的責(zé)任!我本想幫約翰的忙，給他真正的休息和安慰，可現(xiàn)在我卻成了他的負(fù)擔(dān)!沒有人會相信，我所能做的那么一點(diǎn)事，要付出多大的努力穿衣服，招待客人，還有其他的事情。幸好瑪麗對孩子這么好。這么可愛的孩子!可是我不能和他在一起，這讓我很緊張。我想約翰一生中從來沒有緊張過。他因為這張墻紙而嘲笑我!起初，他想把房間重新鋪一遍，但后來他說，我是被它控制住了，對于一個神經(jīng)緊張的病人來說，沒有什么比胡思亂想更糟糕的了。他說，墻紙換了以后，就要換沉重的床架，再換鐵欄窗，再換樓梯口的門，如此等等?！澳阒肋@地方對你有好處，”他說，“說真的，親愛的，我可不想為了三個月的房租就把房子翻新?！薄澳蔷妥屛覀兿聵侨グ桑蔽艺f，“那里有很多漂亮的房間?！比缓笏盐冶г趹牙?，叫我一只可愛的小鵝，還說如果我愿意的話，他愿意到地下室去，讓人把它刷成白色。不過，關(guān)于床、窗戶和其他東西，他說得很對。這是一間人人都希望的通風(fēng)舒適的房間，當(dāng)然，我不會傻到為了一時興起而讓他感到不舒服。我真的越來越喜歡這個大房間了，除了那張討厭的紙。透過一扇窗戶，我可以看到花園，那些神秘的深蔭涼亭，五顏六色的老式花朵，還有灌木叢和粗糙的樹木。從另一扇窗戶，我可以看到美麗的海灣和一個屬于莊園的私人小碼頭。有一條美麗的陰涼小路從房子里延伸下去。我總是幻想看到人們在這無數(shù)的小路和涼亭里散步，但約翰告誡我一點(diǎn)也不要幻想。他說，以我的想象力和編故事的習(xí)慣，像我這樣的神經(jīng)弱點(diǎn)肯定會導(dǎo)致各種各樣的興奮的幻想，我應(yīng)該用我的意志和敏銳的判斷力來制止這種傾向。于是我試了試。我有時想，如果我的身體好到可以寫一點(diǎn)。

TheYellowWallpaperCharlottePerkinsGilman

ItisveryseldomthatmereordinarypeoplelikeJohnandmyselfsecureancestralhallsforthesummer.Acolonialmansion,ahereditaryestate,Iwouldsayahauntedhouse,andreachtheheightofromanticfelicity--butthatwouldbeaskingtoomuchoffate!StillIwillproudlydeclarethatthereissomethingqueeraboutit.Else,whyshoulditbeletsocheaply?Andwhyhavestoodsolonguntenanted?Johnlaughsatme,ofcourse,butoneexpectsthatinmarriage.Johnispracticalintheextreme.Hehasnopatiencewithfaith,anintensehorrorofsuperstition,andhescoffsopenlyatanytalkofthingsnottobefeltandseenandputdowninfigures.Johnisaphysician,andPERHAPS--(Iwouldnotsayittoalivingsoul,ofcourse,butthisisdeadpaperandagreatrelieftomymind)--PERHAPSthatisonereasonIdonotgetwellfaster.YouseehedoesnotbelieveIamsick!Andwhatcanonedo?Ifaphysicianofhighstanding,andone'sownhusband,assuresfriendsandrelativesthatthereisreallynothingthematterwithonebuttemporarynervousdepression--aslighthystericaltendency--whatisonetodo?Mybrotherisalsoaphysician,andalsoofhighstanding,andhesaysthesamething.SoItakephosphatesorphosphites--whicheveritis,andtonics,andjourneys,andair,andexercise,andamabsolutelyforbiddento"work"untilIamwellagain.Personally,Idisagreewiththeirideas.Personally,Ibelievethatcongenialwork,withexcitementandchange,woulddomegood.Butwhatisonetodo?Ididwriteforawhileinspiteofthem;butitDOESexhaustmeagooddeal--havingtobesoslyaboutit,orelsemeetwithheavyopposition.IsometimesfancythatmyconditionifIhadlessoppositionandmoresocietyandstimulus--butJohnsaystheveryworstthingIcandoistothinkaboutmycondition,andIconfessitalwaysmakesmefeelbad.SoIwillletitaloneandtalkaboutthehouse.Themostbeautifulplace!Itisquitealone,standingwellbackfromtheroad,quitethreemilesfromthevillage.ItmakesmethinkofEnglishplacesthatyoureadabout,fortherearehedgesandwallsandgatesthatlock,andlotsofseparatelittlehousesforthegardenersandpeople.ThereisaDELICIOUSgarden!Ineversawsuchagarden--largeandshady,fullofbox-borderedpaths,andlinedwithlonggrape-coveredarborswithseatsunderthem.Thereweregreenhouses,too,buttheyareallbrokennow.Therewassomelegaltrouble,Ibelieve,somethingabouttheheirsandcoheirs;anyhow,theplacehasbeenemptyforyears.Thatspoilsmyghostliness,Iamafraid,butIdon'tcare--thereissomethingstrangeaboutthehouse--Icanfeelit.IevensaidsotoJohnonemoonlightevening,buthesaidwhatIfeltwasaDRAUGHT,andshutthewindow.IgetunreasonablyangrywithJohnsometimes.I'msureIneverusedtobesosensitive.Ithinkitisduetothisnervouscondition.ButJohnsaysifIfeelso,Ishallneglectproperself-control;soItakepainstocontrolmyself--beforehim,atleast,andthatmakesmeverytired.Idon'tlikeourroomabit.Iwantedonedownstairsthatopenedonthepiazzaandhadrosesalloverthewindow,andsuchprettyold-fashionedchintzhangings!butJohnwouldnothearofit.Hesaidtherewasonlyonewindowandnotroomfortwobeds,andnonearroomforhimifhetookanother.Heisverycarefulandloving,andhardlyletsmestirwithoutspecialdirection.Ihaveascheduleprescriptionforeachhourintheday;hetakesallcarefromme,andsoIfeelbaselyungratefulnottovalueitmore.Hesaidwecameheresolelyonmyaccount,thatIwastohaveperfectrestandalltheairIcouldget."Yourexercisedependsonyourstrength,mydear,"saidhe,"andyourfoodsomewhatonyourappetite;butairyoucanabsorballthetime."Sowetookthenurseryatthetopofthehouse.Itisabig,airyroom,thewholefloornearly,withwindowsthatlookallways,andairandsunshinegalore.Itwasnurseryfirstandthenplayroomandgymnasium,Ishouldjudge;forthewindowsarebarredforlittlechildren,andthereareringsandthingsinthewalls.Thepaintandpaperlookasifaboys'schoolhadusedit.Itisstrippedoff--thepaper--ingreatpatchesallaroundtheheadofmybed,aboutasfarasIcanreach,andinagreatplaceontheothersideoftheroomlowdown.Ineversawaworsepaperinmylife.Oneofthosesprawlingflamboyantpatternscommittingeveryartisticsin.Itisdullenoughtoconfusetheeyeinfollowing,pronouncedenoughtoconstantlyirritateandprovokestudy,andwhenyoufollowthelameuncertaincurvesforalittledistancetheysuddenlycommitsuicide--plungeoffatoutrageousangles,destroythemselvesinunheardofcontradictions.Thecolorisrepelllent,almostrevolting;asmoulderinguncleanyellow,strangelyfadedbytheslow-turningsunlight.Itisadullyetluridorangeinsomeplaces,asicklysulphurtintinothers.Nowonderthechildrenhatedit!IshouldhateitmyselfifIhadtoliveinthisroomlong.TherecomesJohn,andImustputthisaway,--hehatestohavemewriteaword.Wehavebeenheretwoweeks,andIhaven'tfeltlikewritingbefore,sincethatfirstday.Iamsittingbythewindownow,upinthisatrociousnursery,andthereisnothingtohindermywritingasmuchasIplease,savelackofstrength.Johnisawayallday,andevensomenightswhenhiscasesareserious.Iamgladmycaseisnotserious!Butthesenervoustroublesaredreadfullydepressing.JohndoesnotknowhowmuchIreallysuffer.HeknowsthereisnoREASONtosuffer,andthatsatisfieshim.Ofcourseitisonlynervousness.Itdoesweighonmesonottodomydutyinanyway!ImeanttobesuchahelptoJohn,sucharealrestandcomfort,andhereIamacomparativeburdenalready!NobodywouldbelievewhataneffortitistodowhatlittleIamable,--todressandentertain,andotherthings.ItisfortunateMaryissogoodwiththebaby.Suchadearbaby!AndyetICANNOTbewithhim,itmakesmesonervous.IsupposeJohnneverwasnervousinhislife.Helaughsatmesoaboutthiswall-paper!Atfirsthemeanttorepapertheroom,butafterwardshesaidthatIwaslettingitgetthebetterofme,andthatnothingwasworseforanervouspatientthantogivewaytosuchfancies.Hesaidthatafterthewall-paperwaschangeditwouldbetheheavybedstead,andthenthebarredwindows,andthenthatgateattheheadofthestairs,andsoon."Youknowtheplaceisdoingyougood,"hesaid,"andreally,dear,Idon'tcaretorenovatethehousejustforathreemonths'rental.""Thendoletusgodownstairs,"Isaid,"therearesuchprettyroomsthere."Thenhetookmeinhisarmsandcalledmeablessedlittlegoose,andsaidhewouldgodowntothecellar,ifIwished,andhaveitwhitewashedintothebargain.Butheisrightenoughaboutthebedsandwindowsandthings.Itisanairyandcomfortableroomasanyoneneedwish,and,ofcourse,Iwouldnotbesosillyastomakehimuncomfortablejustforawhim.I'mreallygettingquitefondofthebigroom,allbutthathorridpaper.OutofonewindowIcanseethegarden,thosemysteriousdeepshadedarbors,theriotousold-fashionedflowers,andbushesandgnarlytrees.OutofanotherIgetalovelyviewofthebayandalittleprivatewharfbelongingtotheestate.Thereisabeautifulshadedlanethatrunsdowntherefromthehouse.IalwaysfancyIseepeoplewalkinginthesenumerouspathsandarbors,butJohnhascautionedmenottogivewaytofancyintheleast.Hesaysthatwithmyimaginativepowerandhabitofstory-making,anervousweaknesslikemineissuretoleadtoallmannerofexcitedfancies,andthatIoughttousemywillandgoodsensetocheckthetendency.SoItry.IthinksometimesthatifIwereonlywellenoughtowritealittleitwouldrelievethepressofideasandrestme.ButIfindIgetprettytiredwhenItry.Itissodiscouragingnottohaveanyadviceandcompanionshipaboutmywork.WhenIgetreallywell,JohnsayswewillaskCousinHenryandJuliadownforalongvisit;buthesayshewouldassoonputfireworksinmypillow-caseastoletmehavethosestimulatingpeopleaboutnow.IwishIcouldgetwellfaster.ButImustnotthinkaboutthat.ThispaperlookstomeasifitKNEWwhataviciousinfluenceithad!Thereisarecurrentspotwherethepatternlollslikeabrokenneckandtwobulbouseyesstareatyouupsidedown.Igetpositivelyangrywiththeimpertinenceofitandtheeverlastingness.Upanddownandsidewaystheycrawl,andthoseabsurd,unblinkingeyesareeverywhere.Thereisoneplacewheretwobreadthsdidn'tmatch,andtheeyesgoallupanddowntheline,onealittlehigherthantheother.Ineversawsomuchexpressioninaninanimatethingbefore,andweallknowhowmuchexpressiontheyhave!Iusedtolieawakeasachildandgetmoreentertainmentandterroroutofblankwallsandplainfurniturethanmostchildrencouldfindinatoystore.Irememberwhatakindlywinktheknobsofourbig,oldbureauusedtohave,andtherewasonechairthatalwaysseemedlikeastrongfriend.IusedtofeelthatifanyoftheotherthingslookedtoofierceIcouldalwayshopintothatchairandbesafe.Thefurnitureinthisroomisnoworsethaninharmonious,however,forwehadtobringitallfromdownstairs.Isupposewhenthiswasusedasaplayroomtheyhadtotakethenurserythingsout,andnowonder!Ineversawsuchravagesasthechildrenhavemadehere.Thewall-paper,asIsaidbefore,istornoffinspots,anditstickethcloserthanabrother--theymusthavehadperseveranceaswellashatred.Thenthefloorisscratchedandgougedandsplintered,theplasteritselfisdugouthereandthere,andthisgreatheavybedwhichisallwefoundintheroom,looksasifithadbeenthroughthewars.ButIdon'tminditabit--onlythepaper.TherecomesJohn'ssister.Suchadeargirlassheis,andsocarefulofme!Imustnotletherfindmewriting.Sheisaperfectandenthusiastichousekeeper,andhopesfornobetterprofession.Iverilybelieveshethinksitisthewritingwhichmademesick!ButIcanwritewhensheisout,andseeheralongwayofffromthesewindows.Thereisonethatcommandstheroad,alovelyshadedwindingroad,andonethatjustlooksoffoverthecountry.Alovelycountry,too,fullofgreatelmsandvelvetmeadows.Thiswall-paperhasakindofsub-patterninadifferentshade,aparticularlyirritatingone,foryoucanonlyseeitincertainlights,andnotclearlythen.Butintheplaceswhereitisn'tfadedandwherethesunisjustso--Icanseeastrange,provoking,formlesssortoffigure,thatseemstoskulkaboutbehindthatsillyandconspicuousfrontdesign.There'ssisteronthestairs!Well,theFourthofJulyisover!ThepeoplearegoneandIamtiredout.Johnthoughtitmightdomegoodtoseealittlecompany,sowejusthadmotherandNellieandthechildrendownforaweek.OfcourseIdidn'tdoathing.Jennieseestoeverythingnow.Butittiredmeallthesame.JohnsaysifIdon'tpickupfasterheshallsendmetoWeirMitchellinthefall.ButIdon'twanttogothereatall.Ihadafriendwhowasinhishandsonce,andshesaysheisjustlikeJohnandmybrother,onlymoreso!Besides,itissuchanundertakingtogosofar.Idon'tfeelasifitwasworthwhiletoturnmyhandoverforanything,andI'mgettingdreadfullyfretfulandquerulous.Icryatnothing,andcrymostofthetime.OfcourseIdon'twhenJohnishere,oranybodyelse,butwhenIamalone.AndIamaloneagooddealjustnow.Johniskeptintownveryoftenbyseriouscases,andJennieisgoodandletsmealonewhenIwantherto.SoIwalkalittleinthegardenordownthatlovelylane,sitontheporchundertheroses,andliedownuphereagooddeal.I'mgettingreallyfondoftheroominspiteofthewall-paper.PerhapsBECAUSEofthewall-paper.Itdwellsinmymindso!Iliehereonthisgreatimmovablebed--itisnaileddown,Ibelieve--andfollowthatpatternaboutbythehour.Itisasgoodasgymnastics,Iassureyou.Istart,we'llsay,atthebottom,downinthecornerovertherewhereithasnotbeentouched,andIdetermineforthethousandthtimethatIWILLfollowthatpointlesspatterntosomesortofaconclusion.Iknowalittleoftheprincipleofdesign,andIknowthisthingwasnotarrangedonanylawsofradiation,oralternation,orrepetition,orsymmetry,oranythingelsethatIeverheardof.Itisrepeated,ofcourse,bythebreadths,butnototherwise.Lookedatinonewayeachbreadthstandsalone,thebloatedcurvesandflourishes--akindof"debasedRomanesque"withdeliriumtremens--gowaddlingupanddowninisolatedcolumnsoffatuity.But,ontheotherhand,theyconnectdiagonally,andthesprawlingoutlinesrunoffingreatslantingwavesofoptichorror,likealotofwallowingseaweedsinfullchase.Thewholethinggoeshorizontally,too,atleastitseemsso,andIexhaustmyselfintryingtodistinguishtheorderofitsgoinginthatdirection.Theyhaveusedahorizontalbreadthforafrieze,andthataddswonderfullytotheconfusion.Thereisoneendoftheroomwhereitisalmostintact,andthere,whenthecrosslightsfadeandthelowsunshinesdirectlyuponit,Icanalmostfancyradiationafterall,--theinterminablegrotesquesseemtoformaroundacommoncentreandrushoffinheadlongplungesofequaldistraction.Itmakesmetiredtofollowit.IwilltakeanapIguess.Idon'tknowwhyIshouldwritethis.Idon'twantto.Idon'tfeelable.AndIknowJohnwouldthinkitabsurd.ButIMUSTsaywhatIfeelandthinkinsomeway--itissucharelief!Buttheeffortisgettingtobegreaterthantherelief.HalfthetimenowIamawfullylazy,andliedowneversomuch.JohnsaysImusn'tlosemystrength,andhasmetakecodliveroilandlotsoftonicsandthings,tosaynothingofaleandwineandraremeat.DearJohn!Helovesmeverydearly,andhatestohavemesick.Itriedtohavearealearnestreasonabletalkwithhimtheotherday,andtellhimhowIwishhewouldletmegoandmakeavisittoCousinHenryandJulia.ButhesaidIwasn'tabletogo,norabletostanditafterIgotthere;andIdidnotmakeoutaverygoodcaseformyself,forIwascryingbeforeIhadfinished.Itisgettingtobeagreateffortformetothinkstraight.JustthisnervousweaknessIsuppose.AnddearJohngatheredmeupinhisarms,andjustcarriedmeupstairsandlaidmeonthebed,andsatbymeandreadtometillittiredmyhead.HesaidIwashisdarlingandhiscomfortandallhehad,andthatImusttakecareofmyselfforhissake,andkeepwell.Hesaysnoonebutmyselfcanhelpmeoutofit,thatImustusemywillandself-controlandnotletanysillyfanciesrunawaywithme.There'sonecomfort,thebabyiswellandhappy,anddoesnothavetooccupythisnurserywiththehorridwall-paper.Ifwehadnotusedit,thatblessedchildwouldhave!Whatafortunateescape!Why,Iwouldn'thaveachildofmine,animpressionablelittlething,liveinsucharoomforworlds.Ineverthoughtofitbefore,butitisluckythatJohnkeptmehereafterall,Icanstanditsomucheasierthanababy,yousee.OfcourseInevermentionittothemanymore--Iamtoowise,--butIkeepwatchofitallthesame.Therearethingsinthatpaperthatnobodyknowsbutme,oreverwill.Behindthatoutsidepatternthedimshapesgetclearereveryday.Itisalwaysthesameshape,onlyverynumerous.Anditislikeawomanstoopingdownandcreepingaboutbehindthatpattern.Idon'tlikeitabit.Iwonder--Ibegintothink--IwishJohnwouldtakemeawayfromhere!ItissohardtotalkwithJohnaboutmycase,becauseheissowise,andbecausehelovesmeso.ButItrieditlastnight.Itwasmoonlight.Themoonshinesinallaroundjustasthesundoes.Ihatetoseeitsometimes,itcreepssoslowly,andalwayscomesinbyonewindoworanother.JohnwasasleepandIhatedtowakenhim,soIkeptstillandwatchedthemoonlightonthatundulatingwall-papertillIfeltcreepy.Thefaintfigurebehindseemedtoshakethepattern,justasifshewantedtogetout.IgotupsoftlyandwenttofeelandseeifthepaperDIDmove,andwhenIcamebackJohnwasawake."Whatisit,littlegirl?"hesaid."Don'tgowalkingaboutlikethat--you'llgetcold."Ithoughitwasagoodtimetotalk,soItoldhimthatIreallywasnotgaininghere,andthatIwishedhewouldtakemeaway."Whydarling!"saidhe,"ourleasewillbeupinthreeweeks,andIcan'tseehowtoleavebefore."Therepairsarenotdoneathome,andIcannotpossiblyleavetownjustnow.Ofcourseifyouwereinanydanger,Icouldandwould,butyoureallyarebetter,dear,whetheryoucanseeitornot.Iamadoctor,dear,andIknow.Youaregainingfleshandcolor,yourappetiteisbetter,Ifeelreallymucheasieraboutyou.""Idon'tweighabitmore,"saidI,"norasmuch;andmyappetitemaybebetterintheeveningwhenyouarehere,butitisworseinthemorningwhenyouareaway!""Blessherlittleheart!"saidhewithabighug,"sheshallbeassickasshepleases!Butnowlet'simprovetheshininghoursbygoingtosleep,andtalkaboutitinthemorning!""Andyouwon'tgoaway?"Iaskedgloomily."Why,howcanI,dear?ItisonlythreeweeksmoreandthenwewilltakeanicelittletripofafewdayswhileJennieisgettingthehouseready.Reallydearyouarebetter!""Betterinbodyperhaps--"Ibegan,andstoppedshort,forhesatupstraightandlookedatmewithsuchastern,reproachfullookthatIcouldnotsayanotherword."Mydarling,"saidhe,"Ibegofyou,formysakeandforourchild'ssake,aswellasforyourown,thatyouwillneverforoneinstantletthatideaenteryourmind!Thereisnothingsodangerous,sofascinating,toatemperamentlikeyours.Itisafalseandfoolishfancy.CanyounottrustmeasaphysicianwhenItellyouso?"SoofcourseIsaidnomoreonthatscore,andwewenttosleepbeforelong.HethoughtIwasasleepfirst,butIwasn't,andlaythereforhourstryingtodecidewhetherthatfrontpatternandthebackpatternreallydidmovetogetherorseparately.Onapatternlikethis,bydaylight,thereisalackofsequence,adefianceoflaw,thatisaconstantirritanttoanormalmind.Thecolorishideousenough,andunreliableenough,andinfuriatingenough,butthepatternistorturing.Youthinkyouhavemasteredit,butjustasyougetwellunderwayinfollowing,itturnsaback-somersaultandthereyouare.Itslapsyouintheface,knocksyoudown,andtramplesuponyou.Itislikeabaddream.Theoutsidepatternisafloridarabesque,remindingoneofafungus.Ifyoucanimagineatoadstoolinjoints,aninterminablestringoftoadstools,buddingandsproutinginendlessconvolutions--why,thatissomethinglikeit.Thatis,sometimes!Thereisonemarkedpeculiarityaboutthispaper,athingnobodyseemstonoticebutmyself,andthatisthatitchangesasthelightchanges.Whenthesunshootsinthroughtheeastwindow--Ialwayswatchforthatfirstlong,straightray--itchangessoquicklythatInevercanquitebelieveit.ThatiswhyIwatchitalways.Bymoonlight--themoonshinesinallnightwhenthereisamoon--Iwouldn'tknowitwasthesamepaper.Atnightinanykindoflight,intwilight,candlelight,lamplight,andworstofallbymoonlight,itbecomesbars!TheoutsidepatternImean,andthewomanbehinditisasplainascanbe.Ididn'trealizeforalongtimewhatthethingwasthatshowedbehind,thatdimsub-pattern,butnowIamquitesureitisawoman.Bydaylightsheissubdued,quiet.Ifancyitisthepatternthatkeepshersostill.Itissopuzzling.Itkeepsmequietbythehour.Iliedowneversomuchnow.Johnsaysitisgoodforme,andtosleepallIcan.Indeedhestartedthehabitbymakingmeliedownforanhouraftereachmeal.ItisaverybadhabitIamconvinced,foryouseeIdon'tsleep.Andthatcultivatesdeceit,forIdon'ttellthemI'mawake--Ono!ThefactisIamgettingalittleafraidofJohn.Heseemsveryqueersometimes,andevenJenniehasaninexplicablelook.Itstrikesmeoccasionally,justasascientifichypothesis,--thatperhapsitisthepaper!IhavewatchedJohnwhenhedidnotknowIwaslooking,andcomeintotheroomsuddenlyonthemostinnocentexcuses,andI'vecaughthimseveraltimesLOOKINGATTHEPAPER!AndJennietoo.IcaughtJenniewithherhandonitonce.Shedidn'tknowIwasintheroom,andwhenIaskedherinaquiet,averyquietvoice,withthemostrestrainedmannerpossible,whatshewasdoingwiththepaper--sheturnedaroundasifshehadbeencaughtstealing,andlookedquiteangry--askedmewhyIshouldfrightenherso!Thenshesaidthatthepaperstainedeverythingittouched,thatshehadfoundyellowsmoochesonallmyclothesandJohn's,andshewishedwewouldbemorecareful!Didnotthatsoundinnocent?ButIknowshewasstudyingthatpattern,andIamdeterminedthatnobodyshallfinditoutbutmyself!Lifeisverymuchmoreexcitingnowthanitusedtobe.YouseeIhavesomethingmoretoexpect,tolookforwardto,towatch.Ireallydoeatbetter,andammorequietthanIwas.Johnissopleasedtoseemeimprove!Helaughedalittletheotherday,andsaidIseemedtobeflourishinginspiteofmywall-paper.Iturneditoffwithalaugh.IhadnointentionoftellinghimitwasBECAUSEofthewall-paper--hewouldmakefunofme.Hemightevenwanttotakemeaway.Idon'twanttoleavenowuntilIhavefounditout.Thereisaweekmore,andIthinkthatwillbeenough.I'mfeelingeversomuchbetter!Idon'tsleepmuchatnight,foritissointerestingtowatchdevelopments;butIsleepagooddealinthedaytime.Inthedaytimeitistiresomeandperplexing.Therearealwaysnewshootsonthefungus,andnewshadesofyellowalloverit.Icannotkeepcountofthem,thoughIhavetriedconscientiously.Itisthestrangestyellow,thatwall-paper!ItmakesmethinkofalltheyellowthingsIeversaw--notbeautifuloneslikebuttercups,butoldfoul,badyellowthings.Butthereissomethingelseaboutthatpaper--thesmell!Inoticeditthemomentwecameintotheroom,butwithsomuchairandsunitwasnotbad.Nowwehavehadaweekoffogandrain,andwhetherthewindowsareopenornot,thesmellishere.Itcreepsallloverthehouse.Ifindithoveringinthedining-room,skulkingintheparlor,hidinginthehall,lyinginwaitformeonthestairs.Itgetsintomyhair.EvenwhenIgotoride,ifIturnmyheadsuddenlyandsurpriseit--thereisthatsmell!Suchapeculiarodor,too!Ihavespenthoursintryingtoanalyzeit,tofindwhatitsmelledlike.Itisnotbad--atfirst,andverygentle,butquitethesubtlest,mostenduringodorIevermet.Inthisdampweatheritisawful,Iwakeupinthenightandfindithangingoverme.Itusedtodisturbmeatfirst.Ithoughtseriouslyofburningthehouse--toreachthesmell.ButnowIamusedtoit.TheonlythingIcanthinkofthatitislikeistheCOLORofthepaper!Ayellowsmell.Thereisaveryfunnymarkonthiswall,lowdown,nearthemopboard.Astreakthatrunsroundtheroom.Itgoesbehindeverypieceoffurniture,exceptthebed,along,straight,evenSMOOCH,asifithadbeenrubbedoverandover.Iwonderhowitwasdoneandwhodidit,andwhattheydiditfor.Roundandroundandround--roundandroundandround--itmakesmedizzy!Ireallyhavediscoveredsomethingatlast.Throughwatchingsomuchatnight,whenitchangesso,Ihavefinallyfoundout.ThefrontpatternDOESmove--andnowonder!Thewomanbehindshakesit!SometimesIthinkthereareagreatmanywomenbehind,andsometimesonlyone,andshecrawlsaroundfast,andhercrawlingshakesitallover.Thenintheverybrightspotsshekeepsstill,andintheveryshadyspotsshejusttakesholdofthebarsandshakesthemhard.Andsheisallthetimetryingtoclimbthrough.Butnobodycouldclimbthroughthatpattern--itstranglesso;Ithinkthatis