《老爸老媽浪漫史 第一季 第1-5集》英中字幕

===《老爸老媽浪漫史第一季第1-5集》英中字幕=========目錄第1集 2第2集 14第3集 26第4集 37第5集 50第6集 60

第1集OLDERTED:Kids,I'mgonnatellyou anincrediblestory. ThestoryofhowImetyourmother. -Arewebeingpunishedforsomething? -No. -Yeah,isthisgonnatakeawhile? -Yes. Twenty-fiveyearsago,beforeIwasDad, Ihadthiswholeotherlife. Itwaswaybackin2005, Iwas27,juststarting tomakeitasanarchitect andIivinginNewYorkwithMarshall, mybestfriendfromcollege, MyIifewasgood, AndthenUncleMarshall wentandscrewedthewholethingup, Willyoumarryme? Yes.Perfect. Andthenyou'reengaged, youpopthechampagne,youdrinkatoast, youhavesexonthekitchenfloor. -Don'thavesexonourkitchenfloor. -Gotit. Thanksforhelpingmeplanthisout,Ted. Dude,areyoukidding?It'syouandLily. I'vebeenthereforallthebigmoments ofyouandLily. Thenightyoumet, yourfirstdate,otherfirstthings. Yeah,sorry,wethoughtyouwereasleep. It'sphysics,Marshall. Ifthebottombunkmoves, thetopbunkmoves,too. MyGod,you'regettingengagedtonight. Yeah.Whatareyoudoingtonight? WhatwasIdoing?Here,UncleMarshall wastakingthebiggeststepofhisIife, Andme? I'mcallingupyourUncleBarney, Hey,soyouknowhow I'vealwayshadathingforhalf-Asiangirls? Well,nowI'vegotanewfavorite. Lebanesegirls. Lebanesegirlsarethenewhalf-Asians. Hey,youwannadosomethingtonight? Okay,meetmeatthebarin15minutes. Andsuitup! -Hey. -Where'syoursuit? Justonce,whenIsay"suitup," Iwishyou'dputonasuit. -Idid.Thatonetime. -ltwasablazer. Youknow,eversincecollege it'sbeenMarshallandLilyandme. Nowit'sgonnabe MarshallandLilyandme. They'llgetmarried,startafamily. Beforelong, I'mthatweirdmiddle-agedbachelor theirkidscall"UncleTed." Iseewhatthisisabout. HaveyouforgottenwhatIsaidtoyou thenightwemet? Ted,I'mgonnateachyouhowtolive. -Barney.Wemetattheurinal. -Oh,right.Hi. Lessonone,losethegoatee. Itdoesn'tgowithyoursuit. -I'mnotwearingasuit. -Lessontwo,getasuit. Suitsarecool.ExhibitA. Lessonthree, don'teventhinkaboutgettingmarried tillyou're30. Thirty.Right,you'reright. Iguessit'sjust,yourbestfriend getsengaged, -youstartthinkingaboutthatstuff. -IthoughtIwasyourbestfriend. Ted,sayI'myourbestfriend. -You'remybestfriend,Barney. -Good. Thenasyourbestfriend,Isuggestweplay alittlegameIliketocall, "HaveyoumetTed?" No,no,no,no,we'renotplaying "HaveyoumetTed." Hi,haveyoumetTed? -Hi,I'mTed. -Yasmin. -It'saveryprettyname. -Thanks.It'sLebanese. Hey. (GROANS) I'mexhausted. Itwasfinger-paintingdayatschool anda5-year-oldboy gottosecondbasewithme. -Wow,you'recooking? -Yes,Iam. Areyousurethat'sagoodidea afterlasttime. Youlookedreallycreepy withouteyebrows. Icanhandlethis. Ithinkyou'llfind I'mfullofsurprisestonight. Sothere'smoresurprises?Likewhat? Marshallwasinhissecondyear oflawschool, sohewasprettygood atthinkingonhisfeet, Boogedyboo!Andthat'sallofthem. I'mgonnagocook. I'msohappyforMarshall,Ireallyam. Ijustcouldn'timaginesettlingdown rightnow. -Sodoyouthinkyou'llevergetmarried? -Well,maybeeventually. Somefallday.PossiblyinCentralPark. Simpleceremony. We'llwriteourownvows. Band,noDJ. Peoplewilldance, I'mnotgonnaworryaboutit. Damnit,whydidMarshall havetogetengaged? Yeah,nothinghotterthanaguyplanning outhisownimaginarywedding,huh? -Actually,Ithinkit'scute. -Well,you'reclearlydrunk. Onemoreforthelady! Oh,hey,lookwhatIgot. Oh,honey,champagne. Yeah. No,youaretoooldtobescared toopenabottleofchampagne. I'mnotscared. -Thenopenit. -Fine. Please,openit. Gosh,youareunbelievable,Marshall. Therearetwobigquestions amanhastoaskinIife, Oneyouplanoutformonths, theotherjustslipsout whenyou'rehalf-drunkatsomebar, Willyoumarryme? Youwannagooutsometime? Ofcourse,youidiot! I'msorry,Carl'smyboyfriend. What'sup,Carl? IpromisedTedwewouldn'tdothat. Didyouknowthere'saPop-Tart underyourfridge? No,butdibs. Where'sthatchampagne? Iwannadrinkatoastwithmyfiancee. Idon'tknowwhyIwassoscaredofthis. It'sprettyeasy,right? (LlLYSCREAMlNG) WhyamIfreakingoutallofasudden? Thisiscrazy. I'mnotreadytosettledown. HowdoesCarllandaLebanesegirl? Theplan'salwaysbeen don'teventhinkaboutituntilyou're30. Exactly.Theguydoesn'tevenownasuit. Plus,Marshall'sfoundtheloveofhislife. EvenifIwasready,whichI'mnot, butifIwas,it'slike, "Okay,I'mready.Whereisshe?" Andthereshewas, ItwasIikesomethingfromanoldmovie wherethesailorseesthegirl acrossthecrowdeddancefloor, turnstohisbuddyandsays, "Seethatgirl? I'mgonnamarryhersomeday," Hey,Barney,seethatgirl? Oh,yeah.Youjustknowshelikesitdirty. -Gosayhi. -Ican'tjustgosayhi. Ineedaplan. I'mgonnawait untilshegoestothebathroom, thenI'llstrategicallyplacemyself bythejukeboxsothat... Hi,haveyoumetTed? Hi. Letmeguess.Ted. I'msorry,Lily. I'msosorry.Takeustothehospital. Whoa,whoa,whoa.Didyouhither? Hitme?Please. Thisguycanbarelyevenspankme inbedforfun. He'sall,like,"Oh,honey,didthathurt?" AndI'm,like, "Comeon,letmehaveyou,youpansy." -Wow,acompletestranger. -No,no,no,it'sokay.Goon. So,thesespankings, areyouinpajamasoraunatural? -Sowhatdoyoudo? -I'mareporterforMetroNews1. -Oh. -Well,kindofareporter. Idothosedumblittlefluffpieces attheendofthenews. Youknow,like, "Monkeywhocanplaytheukulele." ButI'mhopingtogetsome biggerstoriessoon. Bigger,like, "Gorillawithanuprightbass?" Sorry.You'rereallypretty. -Oh,yourfriendsdon'tseemtoohappy. -Yeah. See,theoneinthemiddle justgotdumpedbyherboyfriend. Sotonight,everyguyis"theenemy." Youknow, ifit'llmakeyourfriendfeelbetter youcouldthrowadrinkinmyface. Idon'tmind. Shewouldlovethat. Anditdoeslookfuninthemovies. Hey,youwannahavedinnerwithme Saturdaynight? Oh,Ican't. I'mgoingtoOrlandoforaweekonFriday. Someguy'sattempting tomaketheworld'sbiggestpancake. -Guesswho'scoveringit? -That'sgonnatakeaweek? Yeah,he'sgonnaeatit,too. It'sanotherrecord. Hey,what'stakingsolong? Iknowthisisalongshot, buthowabouttomorrownight? Yeah.Whatthehell. Jerk! Thatwasfun. De...Waitforit...nied. Denied. We'regoingouttomorrownight. Ithoughtwewereplaying LazerTagtomorrownight. Yeah,Iwasnevergonnagoplay LazerTag. Thenextnight,Itookherout tothisIittlebistroinBrooklyn, Wow. -Thatisonebad-assblueFrenchhorn. -Yeah. SortoflookslikeaSmurfpenis. Son,apieceofadvice, Whenyougoonafirstdate, youreallydon'twanttosaySmurfpenis, Girlsdon'tordinarilyIikethat, Butthiswasnoordinarygirl, Lily. Howlonghaveyoubeensittingthere? Stupideyepatch. Mom,Dad, IhavefoundthefutureMrs.TedMosby. Marshall,howhaveIalwaysdescribed myperfectwoman? Let'ssee. Shelikesdogs? I'vegotfivedogs. ShedrinksScotch? IloveaScotch that'soldenoughtoorderitsownScotch. Canquoteobscurelinesfrom Ghostbusters? "Ray,whensomeoneasksyou ifyou'reaGod,yousay,'Yes!'" AndI'msavingthebestforlast. Doyouwantthese?Ihateolives. -Shehatesolives.Awesome! -TheOliveTheory. TheOliveTheory isbasedonmyfriends,MarshallandLily. Hehatesolives,shelovesthem. Andinaweirdway, that'swhatmakesthem suchagreatcouple. Perfectbalance. Youknow,I'vehadajarofolives justsittinginmyfridgeforever. Icouldtakethemoffyourhands. They'reallyours. Oh,itison! Itisontillthebreakofdawn. But,wait,it'sonlythebreakof10:30. Whathappened? IgottagetoneofthoseblueFrenchhorns forovermyfireplace. It'sgottabeblue,it'sgottabeFrench. -Nogreenclarinet? -Nope. Comeon,nopurpletuba? It'saSmurfpenisornodice. Thereyouare! Wegotajumper. SomecrazyguyontheManhattanBridge. Comeon,you'recoveringit. Allright,I'llberightthere. I'msorry. Ihadareallygreattimetonight. Yeah,well. So,didyoukissher? No,themomentwasn'tright. Look,thiswoman couldactuallybemyfuturewife. Iwantourfirstkisstobeamazing. Oh,Ted,thatissosweet. So,youchickenedoutlikealittlebitch. What?Ididnotchickenout. Youknowwhat? Idon'tneedtotakefirstkissadvice fromsomepiratewhohasn'tbeensingle sincethefirstweekofcollege. Ted,anyonewho'ssingle wouldtellyouthesamething. Eventhedumbestsinglepersonalive. Andifyoudon'tbelieveme,callhim. Hey,loser,how'snotplayingLazerTag? BecauseplayingLazerTagisawesome. Oh,Ikilledyou,Connor. Don'tmakemegetyourmom. Hey,listen, Ineedyouropiniononsomething. Okay,meetmeatthebarin15minutes. Andsuitup! So,theseguysthinkIchickenedout. Whatdoyouthink? Ican'tbelieve you'restillnotwearingasuit. Shedidn'tevengivemethesignal. What,isshegonna bathereyesatyouinMorsecode? "Ted, "kissme." -No,youjustkissher. -Notifyoudon'tgetthesignal. -DidMarshallgivemethesignal? -No! Ididn't,Iswear. But,see,atleasttonight, IgettosleepknowingMarshallandme, nevergonnahappen. Youshould'vekissedher. Ishould'vekissedher. Well,maybeinaweek whenshegetsbackfromOrlando. Aweek?That'slikeayearinhot-girltime. She'llforgetallaboutyou. Markmywords, youwillneverseethatoneagain. Theresheis. She'scute.Hey,Carl,turnitup. ,,,persuadedhimtoreconsider, Atwhichpoint themancamedownofftheIedge, givingthisbizarrestoryahappyending, ReportingfromMetro1News, -backtoyou,Bill, -Theguydidn'tjump. I'mgonnagokissher. -Rightnow. -Look,dude,it'smidnight. Asyourfuturelawyer, I'mgonnaadviseyouthat'sfreakingcrazy. Ineverdoanythingcrazy. I'malwayswaitingforthemoment, planningthemoment. Well,she'sleavingtomorrow andthismaybetheonlymoment I'mgonnaget. Igottadowhatthatguycouldn't. Igottataketheleap. Okay,notaperfectmetaphor 'causeforme it'sfallinloveandgetmarried andforhimit'sdeath. Actually,thatisaperfectmetaphor. Bytheway,didIcongratulateyoutwo? -I'mdoingthis. -Let'sgo. -Wordup. -We'recomingwithyou. Barney? Allright,butunderonecondition. Lookatyou,youbeautifulbastard, yousuitedup. Thisistotallygoinginmyblog. Stopthecar.Pulloverrighthere. Igottadosomething. Excuseme.Pardonme,justasec. -Enjoyyourcoffee. -Hey! Hey! Go,go,go! Everybodybringsflowers. Okay,momentoftruth. -Wishmeluck. -Ted'sgonnagetitonwithaTVreporter. "Thisjustin."Okay. -Kissher,Ted.Kisshergood. -Kissthecrapoutofthatgirl. Marshall,rememberthisnight. Whenyou'rethebestmanatourwedding andyougiveaspeech, you'regonnatellthisstory. Whydoeshegettobethebestman? I'myourbestfriend! AsIwalkeduptothatdoor, amillionthoughtsracedthroughmymind, Unfortunately, oneparticularthoughtdidnot, I'vegotfivedogs. (DOGSBARKlNG) Notgood,notgood, -No! -Getbackinthere. You'rewearingasuit! ROBlN:Ted? Hi. Iwasjust... Comeonup. MARSHALL:He'sin. So,Ranjit,youmusthavedoneit withaLebanesegirl? Okay,that'smyBarneylimit. I'mgonnasee ifthatbodegahasabathroom. Actually,I'mfromBangladesh. -Thewomenhotthere? -Here'sapictureofmywife. (WHlSPERlNG)Asimple"no" wouldhavesufficed. She'slovely. So,Ted,whatbringsyoubacktoBrooklyn at1:00inthemorninginasuit? Iwasjusthopingto getthoseolives thatyousaidIcouldhave. Wouldyoulikethoseolives withsomeginandvermouth? Areyoutryingtogetmedrunk? Forstarters. (MUSICPLAYING) Thankyou. So,Marshall, thisOliveTheorybasedonyouandLily. -Yeah. -Youhateolives. -Lilylovesthem,youcan'tstandthem. -Yeah,Ihateolives. Twoweeksago, Spanishbaron79thStreet. Dishofolives.Youhadsome.Whatup? Youhavetoswear thatthisdoesnotleavethiscab. -Iswear. -Iswear. Onourfirstdate,IorderedaGreeksalad. Lilyaskedifshecouldhavemyolives. Isaid,"Sure,Ihateolives." Butyoulikeolives. Well,Iwas18,okay?Iwasavirgin. Beenwaitingmywholelife foraprettygirltowantmyolives. Marshall,I'mgonnagiveyou anearlyweddingpresent. Don'tgetmarried. IthinkIlikeyourOliveTheory. IthinkIlikeyournewFrenchhorn. IthinkIlikeyournose. IthinkI'minlovewithyou. What? What? What? Comeon,man,yousaidyourstomach's beenhurting,right? Youknowwhatthatis?Hunger. You'rehungryforexperience. Hungryforsomethingnew. Hungryforolives. Butyou'retooscared todoanythingaboutit. Yeah,I'mscared,okay? ButwhenIthinkofspending therestofmylifewithLily, committingforever,nootherwomen, doesn'tscaremeatall. I'mmarryingthatgirl. Lily. Lily,Ilikeolives. We'llmakeitwork. (SlGHlNG) So,Orlando?YougonnahitDisneyWorld? -Youloveme? -Oh,God. Ican'tbelieveIsaidthat. WhydidIsaythat? Whosaysthat? -Ishouldjustgo. -Holdon. Waitaminute. Ipromisedyouthese. -Olives. -Yeah. Thanks.Iloveyou. Whatiswrongwithme? Whyarewestillsittinghere?Let'sgo. Wecanstillmakelastcall. Whatdoyousay,Lil? "Yo-ho-ho,andabottleofrum"? -'Causeyou'reapirate? -Okay,eyepatchgone. Andwecan'tjustabandonTed. Ifitdoesn'tgowellupthere, he'sgonnaneedsomesupport. It'sbeen,like,20minutes. Doyouthinkthey'redoingit? Youthinkthey'redoingit infrontofthedogs? Doggiestyle. Iknewthisgirlincollege, shehadthisGoldenRetriever... Okay,wecangotothebar. Juststoptalking. Hitit,Ranjit. So,whenyoutellthisstory toyourfriends, couldyouavoidtheword"psycho"? I'dprefer"eccentric." Goodnight,psycho. Great. -HowdoIgettotheFtrain? -Oh. -Twoblocks,thatwayandtakearight. -Thanks. Youknowwhat? I'mdonebeingsingle.I'mnotgoodatit. Look,obviously, youcan'ttellawomanyoujustmet youloveher,butitsucksthatyoucan't. I'lltellyousomething,though.Ifawoman, notyou,justsomehypotheticalwoman, weretobearwithmethroughallthis, IthinkI'dmakeadamngoodhusband becausethat'sthestuffI'dbegoodat. Stufflikemakingherlaugh andbeingagoodfather andwalkingherfivehypotheticaldogs. Beingagoodkisser. -Everyonethinksthey'reagoodkisser. -Oh,I'vegotreferences. Goodnight,Ted. -AndI'magoodhandshaker. -That'saprettygreathandshake. Andthatwasit. I'llprobablyneverseeheragain. -What? -Thatwasthesignal. Thatlong,lingeringhandshake. Youshould'vekissedher. There'snosuchthingasthesignal. But,yeah,thatwasthesignal. Signal. Carl,thankyou. There'ssomethingIgottado. Bytheway,youshould'vekissedher. Carl,youguysweren'tthere. Iamsoturnedonrightnow. Guys,trustme.I'veseenthesignal. -Thatwasnotthesignal. -Yeah,Ted,we'renotonyouanymore. -Tomyfiancee. -Tothefuture. Toonehellofanight. Thatwasnotthesignal. IaskedheraboutityearsIater, and,yeah,thatwasthesignal, Icould'vekissedher, Butthat'sthefunnythingaboutdestiny, ithappenswhetheryouplanitornot, Imean,Ineverthought I'dseethatgirlagain, Butitturnsout, Iwasjusttooclosetothepuzzle toseethepicturethatwasforming, Becausethat,kids,isthetruestory ofhowImetyourAuntRobin. AuntRobin? IthoughtthiswashowyoumetMom. Willyourelax?I'mgettingtoit. LikeIsaid,it'salongstory. 2030年 孩子們我要給你們講一個(gè)美妙無比的故事 是我如何與你們的老媽相遇的故事 是要處罰我們做錯(cuò)事嗎 不是 要講很久嗎?對(duì) 25年前在我還不是父親時(shí)我的生活與現(xiàn)在完全不同 要從2005年講起 那時(shí)我27歲剛開始當(dāng)建筑師 和我大學(xué)里最好的朋友馬修一起住在紐約 我的生活本來很好 可你們的馬修叔叔把一切都搞砸了 你愿意嫁給我嗎 非常完美然后你就訂婚了 你們開香檳慶祝 在廚房地板上親熱 別在廚房地板上親熱 知道了 謝謝你幫我策劃這些泰德 客氣什么啊是你和莉莉啊 我見證過你和莉莉所有的重要時(shí)刻 你們初次相遇的夜晚你們第一次的約會(huì) 還有其他的"第一次" 不好意思啊我們還以為你睡著了 這是物理學(xué)馬修 下鋪動(dòng)上鋪也會(huì)跟著搖動(dòng) 天吶 你們今晚就要訂婚了 是啊 你今晚會(huì)做什么 那晚我做了什么 你們的馬修叔叔邁出了人生中關(guān)鍵的一步我呢 我給你們的巴尼叔叔打了電話 你知道我對(duì)半亞洲血統(tǒng)女孩特別有興趣嗎 現(xiàn)在我有了新的愛好 黎巴嫩女孩 黎巴嫩女孩代表了新的半亞洲血統(tǒng) 你今晚有節(jié)目嗎 十五分鐘后酒吧見 穿好一點(diǎn) 你怎么不穿西裝 我說"穿好一點(diǎn)"就是希望你能穿上西裝 我有穿過一次 那是件運(yùn)動(dòng)衣 以前都是我馬修莉莉 現(xiàn)在就要變成馬修和莉莉還有我 他們即將結(jié)婚建立新的家庭 不久后他們的孩子就會(huì)認(rèn)為我是老光棍 開始叫我"王老五泰德叔叔" 我明白了 你忘了我們初次見面時(shí)我對(duì)你的忠告 泰德我要教你如何生活 我是巴尼我們?cè)谛”闾幰娺^面 是你 對(duì) 第一課刮掉你的山羊胡子 它與你的西裝不配 我沒穿西裝第二課穿上西裝 西裝很酷很直觀 第三課30歲前不要考慮結(jié)婚 30歲對(duì)你是對(duì)的 當(dāng)你最好的朋友訂婚時(shí) 你難免胡思亂想 我還以為我是你最好的朋友 泰德說"我是你最好的朋友" 你是我最好的朋友很好 作為你最好的朋友我們來玩?zhèn)€小游戲叫作 "你見過泰德沒有"不不玩這個(gè) 你見過泰德沒有 你好 我是泰德 我是雅絲敏 很好聽的名字 多謝這是黎巴嫩語(yǔ) 我累死了今天是學(xué)校的涂鴉日 一個(gè)五歲的男孩上了我的二壘 你在做飯 是的沒錯(cuò) 你確定要親自下廚 你上次下廚后沒了眉毛的樣子真的很奇怪 我這次能搞定今晚充滿了驚喜 還有其他驚喜啊?比如呢 馬修就讀于法學(xué)院二年級(jí) 所以他很擅長(zhǎng)瞎掰 就是這些 我要去做飯了 我真的很為馬修高興 我只是無法想像這么早就定下來 你覺得你會(huì)結(jié)婚嗎 最后應(yīng)該會(huì) 秋日的某天 有可能在中央公園 簡(jiǎn)單的儀式我們更重于彼此的誓約 要樂隊(duì)但不要主持人大家一起跳舞不用我操心 見鬼馬修干嘛要訂婚 沒有比一個(gè)男人策劃他想像中的婚禮更傻的事了吧 事實(shí)上我覺得這很可愛 那么你肯定是醉了 給這位小姐再來一杯 看我買了什么 親愛的是香檳 不行你已經(jīng)過了怕開香檳的年齡了 我才沒有害怕 那就打開它好 還是你開吧 你真的很不可思議馬修 一個(gè)男人一生中會(huì)問出的兩大問題 一個(gè)你會(huì)精心策劃幾個(gè)月 另一個(gè)你會(huì)在酒醉之時(shí)脫口而出 你愿意嫁給我嗎 哪天一起出去走走 當(dāng)然愿意你這個(gè)傻瓜 很抱歉卡爾是我的男朋友 你好卡爾 我答應(yīng)過泰德我們不這樣做的 你發(fā)現(xiàn)冰箱下面有罐汽水嗎 沒有管他呢 香檳在哪里 我想要慶祝 和我的未婚妻 不敢相信我竟會(huì)怕這個(gè) 其實(shí)很簡(jiǎn)單對(duì)嗎 我怎么會(huì)突然變得那么饑渴這太瘋狂了 我還沒準(zhǔn)備要定下來呢 卡爾怎么會(huì)泡到一個(gè)黎巴嫩女孩 計(jì)劃一直都是30歲前想都別想結(jié)婚 完全正確 他甚至連套西裝都沒有 況且馬修已經(jīng)找到真愛 即使我準(zhǔn)備好了實(shí)際上沒有 但如果我準(zhǔn)備好了 "我準(zhǔn)備好了可她在哪?" 然后我就遇見了她 就像老電影里的場(chǎng)景 一名水手在擁擠的舞池中看到她 轉(zhuǎn)過身對(duì)他的伙伴說"看見那女孩沒?" "終有一天我要與她結(jié)婚" 巴尼看見那女孩沒 一看就知道她很辣 去打個(gè)招呼我不能只是打個(gè)招呼 我需要策劃一下 我要等到她去洗手間時(shí) 很戰(zhàn)略性般地站在自動(dòng)點(diǎn)唱機(jī)旁 你見過泰德沒有 我猜...你就是泰德 抱歉莉莉我真的很抱歉 去醫(yī)院 你打她了 打我?拜托 這家伙連在床上搞情趣打我都不懂 他總是說"親愛的我弄疼你了嗎" 我就說"用力讓我嘗嘗你的厲害娘娘腔" 他是陌生人 這沒關(guān)系繼續(xù)說好了 他是穿著睡衣打你的還是光著身子 你是做什么的 我是都市新聞一臺(tái)的記者 勉強(qiáng)算是記者吧 我是做片尾無聊的零碎報(bào)道就像 猴子會(huì)彈四弦琴之類的 我一直希望能報(bào)道些大事 就像大猩猩可以彈奏貝司 我很抱歉你真的很漂亮 你的朋友好像不是很開心 對(duì)中間那個(gè)剛被她男友甩了所以今晚 所有男人都被視作"敵人" 有個(gè)方法能讓你朋友好過點(diǎn) 你們可以用酒潑我我不會(huì)介意的 她肯定會(huì)喜歡的 電影里的這種情節(jié)都很逗 我們星期六晚上一起吃飯吧 不行我周五要去奧蘭多一星期 有個(gè)人要做世界上最大的煎餅 猜猜是由誰(shuí)報(bào)道的 要用一周之久 對(duì)他還要把它吃掉這又是一項(xiàng)世界記錄 還有完沒完 我知道有些唐突明晚怎么樣 好啊管他呢 混蛋 很好玩 被拒...等一下...絕了 被拒絕了 我們明晚約會(huì) 我還以為我們明晚會(huì)一起玩雷射槍大戰(zhàn) 我從來沒打算參加雷射槍大戰(zhàn) 第二天晚上我?guī)チ瞬剪斂肆值囊粋€(gè)小酒館 那可是聲音十分美妙的法國(guó)小號(hào) 對(duì)有點(diǎn)像藍(lán)色的陽(yáng)具 兒子給你些忠告 第一次約會(huì)時(shí)絕對(duì)不要提到藍(lán)色的陽(yáng)具 通常女孩子不喜歡這個(gè) 但她可不是一般的女孩 莉莉 你坐在這里多久了 都怪這個(gè)惡心的眼罩 老媽老爸我找到了未來的泰德．莫斯比夫人 馬修我是怎么向你形容我理想的對(duì)象的 我想想 她喜歡狗 我養(yǎng)了五只狗 她喜歡喝蘇格蘭威士忌 我一到飲酒年齡就開始喝蘇格蘭威士忌 喜歡引用"捉鬼敢死隊(duì)"里的臺(tái)詞 "雷如果有人問你是不是上帝你要說是" 最妙的還在后頭 你吃這個(gè)嗎我討厭橄欖 她討厭橄欖!太妙了 橄欖理論 橄欖理論是馬修和莉莉創(chuàng)立的 他討厭橄欖而她喜歡 這就造就了一對(duì)完美的情侶 完美的平衡 有一瓶橄欖被我丟在冰箱里很久了 我可以幫你搞定 它們都是你的了 有好戲上演一直演到破曉 等一下現(xiàn)在才十點(diǎn)半發(fā)生什么事了 我也想在我家壁爐上面掛個(gè)法國(guó)小號(hào) 一定要是藍(lán)色的一定得是法國(guó)的 不要綠色的單簧管?不 也不要紫色的大號(hào) 不!它只是個(gè)藍(lán)色的陽(yáng)具 終于找到你了 有個(gè)瘋子在曼哈頓橋上準(zhǔn)備跳河 快點(diǎn)你來報(bào)道這個(gè) 好我馬上就來 很抱歉 我今晚過得很愉快 那就好 就這樣你親她沒 沒有時(shí)機(jī)不對(duì) 她可能會(huì)是我未來的老婆 我想要我們的初吻盡可能美妙 泰德你太貼心了 所以你就像小女人一樣退縮了 什么?我沒有退縮 我想我不需要聽取海盜的初吻建議 而且是上大學(xué)一周后就脫離單身隊(duì)伍的海盜 泰德單身漢都會(huì)給你同樣的建議 哪怕是世上最最愚蠢的單身漢 如果你不相信我給他打電話 窩囊廢不玩雷射槍的感覺不好受吧 雷射槍好玩得不得了 我已經(jīng)把你殺了我要讓你回老家 聽好我需要你的一些建議 十五分鐘后酒吧見 穿好一點(diǎn) 這兩個(gè)人都認(rèn)為我退縮了 你覺得呢 我不敢相信 你還是沒穿西裝 她根本沒給我暗示 難道要她對(duì)你眨眼作莫斯密碼暗示嗎 "泰德親我" 不需要直接親上去 沒有暗示就不應(yīng)該親 馬修給我暗示了嗎?沒有 我發(fā)誓我沒有 至少我知道我和馬修之間是不可能的 今晚可以睡個(gè)安穩(wěn)覺 你應(yīng)該親她的 我應(yīng)該親她 一周后等她從奧蘭多回來的吧 一周?對(duì)辣妹來說等于是一年 她會(huì)把你忘得一干二凈 記著我的話你不可能再見到她了 她在那里 她真可愛卡爾聲音調(diào)大些 ...勸他三思 最后他走下了護(hù)欄 為這樁慘事畫上了完美的句點(diǎn) 都市新聞一臺(tái)報(bào)道 沒有跳成 我要去親她 就現(xiàn)在 伙計(jì)現(xiàn)在是半夜作為你未來的律師 我得提醒你這樣做非常瘋狂 我從未做過瘋狂的事 我總是在等待時(shí)機(jī)為其策劃 她明天就要走了這可能是我最后的機(jī)會(huì) 我要做那人沒做到的事我要有質(zhì)的飛躍 我承認(rèn)是個(gè)蹩腳的比喻 對(duì)于我這是戀愛結(jié)婚的大事對(duì)他來說卻是 死翹翹 事實(shí)上這個(gè)比喻不錯(cuò) 對(duì)了祝賀你倆(死翹翹) 我要去了 一起去 去哪里?我們和你一起去 巴尼 好吧但我有一個(gè)條件 看你多帥你終于穿上西裝了 這才是我的哲學(xué) 停車在這里停一下 我要先搞定件事 打擾了我只是...什么 盡情享用你們的咖啡 快走 不管是誰(shuí)都會(huì)帶著花的 關(guān)鍵時(shí)刻到來 祝我好運(yùn)吧 泰德要和一名電視記者在一起 "以下是現(xiàn)場(chǎng)報(bào)道"多妙 親她泰德好好親她 把她親得暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向 馬修記住這一夜 在你作我伴郎的時(shí)候 把這個(gè)故事講給大家聽 為什么伴郎由他作 我才是你最好的朋友 我走向那扇門時(shí)萬(wàn)般思緒涌上心頭 很不幸地我忽略了一個(gè)關(guān)鍵問題 我養(yǎng)了五只狗 不妙不妙 不行快回去 你可穿著西裝呢 泰德 你好 我剛剛 快上來吧 他進(jìn)去了 蘭吉特 你肯定和黎巴嫩女孩玩過 巴尼的限制級(jí)問話開始了 我去看看那個(gè)小店有沒有洗手間 事實(shí)上我來自孟加拉國(guó) 那里的女人辣嗎 這是我老婆的照片 我們還是給他點(diǎn)面子吧 她很可愛 泰德是什么風(fēng)把西裝革履的你 在凌晨一點(diǎn)之時(shí)吹來布魯克林的 我只是想 來拿那瓶橄欖的你說要給我的 用琴酒和苦艾酒泡過的橄欖如何 你想要灌醉我嗎 這只是前戲 馬修 橄欖理論是你和莉莉創(chuàng)立的?是啊 你討厭橄欖莉莉喜歡你對(duì)其恨之入骨 對(duì)我討厭橄欖 兩周前在79街的西班牙酒吧你吃了些橄欖的 請(qǐng)解釋 你保證絕不說出去 我保證 我也保證 我們第一次約會(huì)時(shí)我點(diǎn)了份希臘沙拉 莉莉問我能否把橄欖給她吃 我就說"當(dāng)然可以我討厭橄欖" 可事實(shí)上你喜歡 我當(dāng)時(shí)才18歲我還是個(gè)處男 我終極一生等待一位可愛女孩接過我的橄欖枝 馬修我提前送你結(jié)婚禮物吧 千萬(wàn)不要結(jié)婚 我喜歡你的橄欖理論 我喜歡你的新法國(guó)小號(hào) 我喜歡你的鼻子 我愛上你了 什么 什么 什么 拜托那時(shí)你說你胃疼 你知道那是怎么回事 是渴望你渴望得到經(jīng)驗(yàn)渴望新的東西 渴望橄欖枝 只不過你不敢承認(rèn)罷了 我承認(rèn)我不敢 可那是因?yàn)槲蚁牒屠蚶蚬捕扔嗌? 天長(zhǎng)地久不離不棄永不變心 我一點(diǎn)也不害怕結(jié)婚 我一定要娶這個(gè)女孩 莉莉 莉莉我喜歡吃橄欖 我們會(huì)達(dá)成共識(shí)的 奧蘭多...你會(huì)去迪士尼樂園嗎 你愛我 我不敢相信我會(huì)說出來 為什么我要說這個(gè) 誰(shuí)會(huì)這樣說 我該走了 等一下 我答應(yīng)把這個(gè)送你 橄欖對(duì) 謝謝我愛你 我這是怎么了 我們干嗎傻坐在這里 走吧在打樣前還能喝幾杯 你說呢莉莉 再來一瓶朗姆酒 因?yàn)槟闶呛１I啊 好吧我摘下來 我們不能就這樣丟下泰德 如果上面情況不好他會(huì)需要我們的支持 已經(jīng)過了二十分鐘 你認(rèn)為他倆做了嗎 你覺得他們會(huì)在狗面前做嗎狗爬式 大學(xué)里有個(gè)女孩養(yǎng)了條黃金獵犬 我們馬上去酒吧別再說了 啟動(dòng)蘭吉特 當(dāng)你和你的朋友說起我時(shí) 能不能別用"神經(jīng)病"來形容我 "古怪"這個(gè)詞要好一點(diǎn) 晚安神經(jīng)病 很好 地鐵站怎么走 過兩個(gè)路口向右轉(zhuǎn) 你知道嗎 我厭倦了單身 我不適合單身 很明顯你不能和一個(gè)初識(shí)的女人說"我愛你" 但是 不說的話感覺很糟 再告訴你一件事如果一個(gè)女人 不是說你只是一個(gè)假想的女人 容忍我今晚的所作所為 我認(rèn)為我肯定能做個(gè)稱職的丈夫 因?yàn)槟遣攀俏业膶ｉL(zhǎng) 我善于逗她開心做個(gè)好父親 還有養(yǎng)假想中的五只狗 還有我的接吻技巧很好 是人都覺得自己接吻技巧好 我有證人的 晚安泰德 我握手的技巧也很高 感覺不錯(cuò)的握手 就是這樣從此我再?zèng)]見過她 怎么了 那是暗示 那個(gè)拖沓的握手你應(yīng)該親她的 根本沒有暗示這種東西 但是對(duì)你應(yīng)該親她 確實(shí)是暗示 卡爾謝謝 我要做件事 順便提一下 你應(yīng)該親她 卡爾你們當(dāng)時(shí)又沒在那 我現(xiàn)在興致超高 伙計(jì)們相信我!我知道什么是暗示 那根本就不是暗示 泰德我們的話題已轉(zhuǎn)移了 敬我的未婚妻 敬我們的未來 敬這該死的一夜 那不是暗示 一年后我問她這件事 她說那確實(shí)是個(gè)暗示 我本可以親她的 但這就是命運(yùn)的奇妙之處 無論你是否策劃它都會(huì)發(fā)生 我從沒想過會(huì)再次見到她 但原來我曾如此接近謎底 以至于忽視了我的真命天女 孩子們這是個(gè)真實(shí)的故事 我與你們羅賓阿姨的相識(shí) 羅賓阿姨 我還以為是你遇見老媽的故事 放輕松我會(huì)慢慢講下去 如我所說這是個(gè)很漫長(zhǎng)的故事 第2集-OLDERTED:Okay,wherewasl? -YouweretellingushowyoumetMom. -lnexcruciatingdetail. -Right. So,backin2005,whenIwas27, mytwobestfriendsgotengaged. Anditgotmethinking, maybeIshouldgetmarried, AndthenIsawRobin,Shewasincredible, IjustknewIhadtomeether, That'swhereyourUncleBarneycamein, Isuggestweplayalittlegame Iliketocall,"HaveyoumetTed?" No,no,no,no,we'renotplaying "HaveyoumetTed." Hi,haveyoumetTed? SoIaskedherout, andIknowthissoundscrazy, butafterjustonedate IwasinIovewithher, whichmademesaysomethingstupid, IthinkI'minlovewithyou. What? -Oh,Dad. -Sothenwhathappened? Nothing, Imean,I'dmadeacompletefoolofmyself, So,aweekwentby andIdecidednottocallher, So,you'renotgonnacallher? Youwentfrom "lthinkI'minlovewithyou" to"I'mnotgonnacallher"? Iwasn'tinlovewithher,okay? Iwasbrieflyinlovewith theabstractconceptofgettingmarried. IthadabsolutelynothingtodowithRobin. -Robin? -Hey. LookwhoIraninto. Sincewhendoyouguysknoweachother? Oh,sinceabouthere. Lilyrecognizedmefromthenews... -Hello,sailor. -Theyjustgotengaged. Well,Ishouldgetbacktothestation. Seeyouguys. -Niceseeingyou,Ted. -Yeah,you,too. Thanks. -Damnit! -What? -I'minlovewithher. -No. Asyoursponsor,Iwillnotletyourelapse. -Youblewit.It'sover.Moveon. -Idon'tknow. Ijusthavethisfeelingshe'sthefuture Mrs.TedMosby. (SQUEAKlNG) Lily,yousqueaked? Shesaidsomethingaboutme,didn'tshe? Comeon,spillit,Red. Fine. So,whatdowethinkofTed? Ted'ssomethingelse. Huh? I'mgonnaspinthatasgood. Lotsofguysaresomething, I'msomethingelse. Hecomesonalittlestrong. Butthat'spartofmycharm. -Butthat'spartofhischarm. -Oh,totally. Imean,he'ssweet,he'scharming, he'sjustlookingforsomething alittlebitmoreseriousthanIam. Imean,themostIcanhandlerightnow issomethingcasual. -Thisjuststaysbetweenus,right? -Areyoukidding? Thisflapper,FortKnox. Oops. Shewantscasual? Okay,I'llbecasual. I'mgonnabeamushroomcloudofcasual. Youknowwhy?'Causeit'sagame. Iwantedtoskiptotheend anddothewholehappily-ever-afterthing, butyoudon'tgetthere unlessyouplaythegame. -Soyougonnaaskherout? -Yeah.No! Ican'taskherout,becauseifIaskherout I'maskingherout. SohowdoIaskherout withoutaskingherout? Didyouguysgethigh? Igotit.Idon'taskherout. IinvitehertoourpartynextFriday. -We'rehavingapartynextFriday? -Wearenow. Casual. Yeah,'causenothingsays"casual" likeinvitingahundredpeople overjusttomackononegirl. Oh,andLily,that'smyleg. Youwaitedfiveminutestotellmethat? -Allright,socallherup. -No,calling'snotcasual. Ijustgottobumpintohersomewhere. Now,ifonlyIknewherschedule, Icouldarrangeachanceencounter. That'sgreat,Ted. You'llbethemostcasualstalkerever. That'sgreat,Ted. You'llbethemostcasualstalkerever. Now,eversinceMarshall putthatringonherfinger, Lilyhadbeen,well,extraaffectionate, Baby,no. Ihavea25paper onconstitutionallawdueMonday. I'vebarelystarted. Hey,I'mjustsittingherewearingmyring. Mybeautifulring. Kindofmakeswearingotherstuff seemwrong. Myshirt. Kindofdon'twannawear myshirtanymore. Ormyunderwear. That'sright.I'mnotwearingany. (SlGHlNG) -Nounderwear? -Notevenslightly. Guys. Boundaries. -Theresheis. -Thanks,Bill, I'mreportingfrom theRazzleDazzleSupermarket on75thandColumbus,,, 75thandColumbus. Gameon! ...wherefour-year-oldLeroyEllenberg hasclimbedinsideaGrab-A-Prizemachine andgottenstuck. Andallinthepursuit ofastuffed,purplegiraffe. ForMetroNews1,I'mRobinScherbatsky. PRODUCER:We'reclear. ROBlN:Thanks,Don. Ted? -Robin?Wow,whataretheodds? -Whatareyoudoinghere? Oh,youknow,justshoppingfordip. Ilovedip.No,Idon'tlovedip.Ilikedip. Asafriend,youknow. So,hey,youreportinganewsstory orsomething? Yeah,akidstuckinacranemachine. Howsweetofyoutocallitnews. Wow,kidinacranemachine. Youjusthadtohavethattoy,didn'tyou? Couldn'tplaythegamelikeeveryoneelse. You'reallsweaty. Cutekid. Youknow,it'ssofunny Ishouldrunintoyou. We'rehavingapartynextFriday ifyoufeellikeswingingby, but,youknow,whatever. Oh,I'mgoingbackhomenextweekend. -It'stoobadit'snottonight. -ltis.It'stonight. ThisFriday.DidIsaynextFriday? Yeah,sorry. IguessI'vebeensaying "nextFriday"allweek. But,yeah,it'stonight.Theparty'stonight. But,youknow,whatever. (PHONERlNGlNG) -Hello? -Hey,amIinterruptinganything? No,no,I'mjustwritingmypaper, hittingthebooks. Yeah,well,youandLily mightwanttoputsomeclotheson. We'rethrowingapartyintwohours. Okay,bye. (MUSICPLAYING) So,Gatsby,whatareyougonnado whenRobinshowsup? Okay,Igotitallplannedout. Shestepsthroughthedoor, AndwhereisTed? Noteagerlywaitingbythedoor, No,I'macrosstheroom atmydraftingtable showingsomefoxyyoungthing allmycoolarchitecturestuff, So,Robinstrollsover, andIcasuallygiveheroneofthese, "Hey,what'sup?" Sh