英語幽默小笑話大全

英語幽默小笑話大全1.a kissAt a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word KISS scribbled on it.The guest seated next to the speaker said, Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a KISS before you begin your speech.The speaker smiled and explained, You dont know my wife. The KISS she give me stands for Keep It Short, Stupid. 2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks youre stupid, stand up!Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, Do you think youre stupid, Johnny?No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!一個老師在對學(xué)生們講心理學(xué)，“誰認(rèn)為自己蠢就站起來？”她一開始就說。小約翰尼站了起來?！澳阏J(rèn)為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼？”老師問。“不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個人站著?！?.a great manTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a greatman if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years. 一名偉人老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎？學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。4Two Cute dogsA man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, Doesyour dog bite? The shopkeeper says, No, my dog does not bite. The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. Ouch, he says, I thought you said your dog does not bite! The shopkeeper replies, That is not my dog.6.Policeman: Why didnt you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, theyd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人搶你的手表時，你為什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。7.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.Its all right, said a gentleman, dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?Ah, yes, answered the little girl. I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?一個小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子?！皼]有關(guān)系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：吠狗不咬人?！薄鞍?，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？”8.Class and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c” Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l(fā)”格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不會他的班?！?一個學(xué)生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”。 9.No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother A friend gave him advice “Find a girl just like your motherthen shes bound to like her So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girlHe told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like motherAnd just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened？” “Nothing，”said the young man“My father hates her！”無論帶哪一個女孩回家，這位青年人總會遭到母親的反對。一位朋友勸他說： “找一個和你母親一樣的女孩那她一定會喜歡她?！?于是這位青年人不停地找啊找，終于找到了這么個女孩。 正像你說的那樣，我找到一個長相、談吐、穿著打扮，甚至連烹飪都和我母親一樣的女孩。也正像你說的那樣，我母親喜歡她。” “那后來呢？”朋友問。 “沒什么，”青年人說?！拔腋赣H討厭她！”10 The Same Service.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor “When I was first married，I was very happy Id come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippersNow everythings changedWhen I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me” “I dont know what youre complaining about，”said the counselor“Youre still getting the same service”一個結(jié)婚十年的男人正在請教一位婚姻顧問。“剛結(jié)婚那會兒，我非常幸福。我在店里勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋。現(xiàn)在一切都變了。我回到家里，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對著我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顧問說?！澳愕玫降姆?wù)還是一樣的呀?！?1.A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. Dont you know what the blinking lights and siren mean? he demanded.Yes, sir, replied the driver. Then why didnt you pull over immediately? I would have, officer, the man said. But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機(jī)。“難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎？”他責(zé)問道。 “知道，長官，”司機(jī)回答說?！澳悄銥槭裁床涣⒓纯窟呁＼?？” “我本來想這樣做的，長官。”那男子回答說，“但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來?！?12.Workman：“Mr. Brown，I should like to ask for a small rise in my wages I have just been married” Employer：“Very sorry，my dear man， but I cant help you For accidents which happen to our workmen outside the factory, we are not responsible”工人：“布朗先生，我想請您給我加一點工資。我剛剛結(jié)了婚。” 雇主：“非常抱歉，老兄，但是我無能為力。對工人在廠外發(fā)生的事故我們概不負(fù)責(zé)?！?3.Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this One evening he had invited several friends to dinner， and while they were sitting at the table， one of the friends told a funny story Everyone laughed， and Sir William， who had laughed as loud as anyone， said，“That was a very funny joke， but I know a funnier one Would you like to hear it？” They all said they would， so Sir William began his story When it ended， everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily But he didnt know the reason for their laughter He had told the very same story that his friend had just told威廉湯普森爵士非常聾，但他卻不愿意讓別人知道這 件事，一天晚上，他邀請了幾位朋友吃飯。在就餐的時候，一 位朋友講了個有趣的故事，大都笑了，湯普森也和別人一 樣放聲大笑，他說：“這是個十分有趣的笑話，但是我還知道 一個更有趣的笑話，你們愿意聽嗎？”朋友們都說愿意聽。于 是，湯普森開始講他的故事。當(dāng)故事講完時，大家笑得比方才 還厲害，湯普森的臉上露出了欣慰的笑容。但他卻不知道別 人發(fā)笑的原因。原來，他講的正是方才那位朋友講的故事。14.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: Its no use, my little dog cant read.布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告?。〔祭史蛉耍簺]有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識字?！?. As new students at a university in Boston, many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for class. One professor, however, was particularly intolerant of tardiness, making it clear that no excuse would be acceptable. So when a student stumbled into his cl