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1、1、 How much English can you speak?Your Honor(閣下,您), I want to bring to your attention how unfair (不公平) it is for my client (委托人) to be accused of theft(被指控盜竊) . He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely(僅僅, 幾乎不) knew his way around. Whats more (而且) , he only speaks a few words of English.The

2、 judge (法官) looked at the defendant (被告) and asked, How much English can you speak?The defendant looked up and said, Give me your wallet (錢包) !2A husband, proving to(給。證明) his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study (研究, 課題) which indicated (指出, 顯示, 表明) that men use on average(平均, 通常)

3、 only 15000 words a day, whereas (然而) women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice (兩倍) as many words as men because they have to repeat(重復(fù)) everything they say.He said, What?3Boy: Is this seat empty?Girl: Yes, and this one will be if

4、 you sit down.4、Tom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied (回答) Tom. Im eating my cake. He is crying because I wont give him any.But has he finished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.20

5、09-6-7A guy(家伙,男人)says to his friend, Guess(猜猜)how many coins I have in my pocket.The friends says, If I guess right, will you give me one of them?The first guys says, If you guess right, Ill give you both of them!(兩個(gè)都給你)2009-6-6 研究生和本科生的區(qū)別I can always tell(一眼看出來(lái))a graduate class(研究生)from an undergr

6、aduate class(本科生), said an instructor(教員) at a university(大學(xué)) graduate(應(yīng)屆畢業(yè)生) engineering course(工科) . When I say Good afternoon, the undergraduates respond (回答,應(yīng)答) Good afternoon. But the graduate students just write it down.2009-6-4making faces (扮鬼臉)Finding one of her students making faces at othe

7、rs on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently(輕輕地,溫和地,溫柔地)reprimand(譴責(zé),訓(xùn)斥)the child. Smiling sweetly (溫柔地,甜美地) , the Sunday school(主日學(xué)校) teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly(丑陋的) faces, my face would freeze(凍結(jié)) and stay(停留) like that. Bobbylooked up and replied (回答) ,

8、 Well, Ms Smith, you cant say you werent warned.2009-6-3A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.While hes talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts (花生)and finishes them off.As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma, Thanks for the peanuts.She say

9、s, Yeah, since I lost my dentures(假牙)I can only suck (吸吮)on the coffee table, the chocolate off.2009-6-2A father was trying to teach his son the evils (有害的,邪惡的)of alcohol (酒精).He put one worm (蠕蟲) in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey (威士忌) .The worm in the water lived, while th

10、e one in the whiskey curled up(蜷縮著)and died.All right, son, asked the father, What does that show you?Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.2009-6-1Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctors consulting-room. (咨詢室)Doctor, he said, you must help me. I swallowed

11、 (吞下) a penny(便士) about a month ago. Good heavens, man! said the doctor. Why have you waited so long? Why dont you come to me on the day you swallowed it?To tell you the truth, Doctor, the poor man replied, I didnt need the money so badly then.2009-5-31Boy: Hi, didnt we go on dates (約會(huì)) before? Onec

12、 or twice?Girl: Mustve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.2009-5-30In an entrance examination(入學(xué)考試) of a conservatory of music (音樂學(xué)院) , a teacher asked one of the boys, What is the most important physiological quality (生理素質(zhì)) of a musician(音樂家) ?To be deaf(聾的) , replied the boy.Nonsense(胡

13、說(shuō)) ! said the teacher angrily.Why, sir! Dont you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf? the boy asked in reply (答復(fù)) disdainfully (輕蔑地) .2009-5-28A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression(.悲傷至極的表情)Bartender(酒保) : Whats the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?The man

14、: We had a fight, and she told me that she wasnt going to speak to me for a month.Bartender: That should make you happy.The man: No, the month is up today! (不,今天是這個(gè)月的最后一天)Laughter 】 2009-5-27A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets

15、 a wife.2009-5-25The female(女人,女性的) dormitory (宿舍) will be out-of-bounds (禁止入內(nèi)) for all male (男人,男性的) students and vice versa(反之亦然) . Anybody caught (抓?。?breaking this rule will be fined (罰錢)$20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time

16、 will incur(招致,引發(fā)) a fine of $180. Are there any questions? At this moment, a male student in the crowd (群眾) inquires(詢問) , Umm.How much for a season pass?(一個(gè)季的通行證多少錢)2009-5-24Boy: Can I buy you a drink?Girl: Actually (實(shí)際上,事實(shí)上)Id rather have the money.2009-5-22Doctor: Your cough (咳嗽) sounds much bet

17、ter today.Patient(病人,患者): It should. Ive been practicing (練習(xí)) all night.2009-5-21Pete: The last time I was out hunting (打獵) , I stepped off a high cliff (懸崖) , and would you believe it, while I was falling (落下) every fool deed(愚蠢的行為, 蠢事)Id ever done came into my mind.Bob: Must have been a pretty (相當(dāng)

18、的) high mountain you fell (掉下) from.2009-5-19Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt (跪下) beside(在。旁邊) their beds to say their prayers(祈禱) at bedtime(睡前) . The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs(嘶聲力竭的) :I PRAY FOR A BIKE. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD.His older brother n

19、udged(用肘輕推) him and said, Why are you shouting your prayers? God isnt deaf.To which the little brother replied, No, but Grandma is!2009-5-18A cop(警官,巡警) spotted a woman driving and knitting (針織) at the same time. Coming up beside her(走近她) , he said, Pull over! (開到路邊( pull-over 套頭衫) No, she replied,

20、a pair of socks! (一雙襪子)DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two police

21、men. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman!奧巴馬演講詞Hello, Chicago!芝加哥,你好!If there is anyone out there who still doubts (懷疑) that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders (創(chuàng)建人,創(chuàng)辦人)

22、is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy (民主) , tonight is your answer.Its the answer told by lines that stretched (伸展) around schools and churches in numbers ,this nation(國(guó)家,民族,國(guó)民) has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first t

23、ime in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different;Its the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat (民主黨人) and Republican (共和黨人) , black, white, Latino (拉丁美洲人) , Asian(亞洲人) , Native American (原住民), gay(同性戀) , straight(異性戀) , disabled(殘疾人) and not disabled Ameri

24、cans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of (集。為一體的) red states (州) and blue states; we are, and always will be, the United States of America.Its the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical (冷嘲,冷漠) , and fearful (擔(dān)心的,可怕的) , and d

25、oubtful (懷疑) of what we can achieve to (實(shí)現(xiàn)) put their hands on the arc of history (歷史之輪) and bend (使朝向) it once(再一次) more toward (即將到來(lái)的) the hope of a better day.長(zhǎng)久以來(lái),很多人說(shuō):我們對(duì)自己的能量應(yīng)該冷漠,應(yīng)該恐懼,應(yīng)該懷疑。但是,歷史之輪如今已在我們手中,我們又一次將歷史之輪轉(zhuǎn)往更美好的未來(lái)。Its been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on th

26、is day, in this election(選舉) , at this defining (決定性的,關(guān)鍵性的)moment, change has come to America.漫漫征程,今宵終于來(lái)臨。I just received (收到) a very gracious (有風(fēng)度的) call from Sen. McCain. He fought (戰(zhàn)斗) long and hard in this campaign (競(jìng)選) , and hes fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has end

27、ured(忍耐)sacrifices(奉獻(xiàn))for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine (想象) , and we are better off (更舒適) for the service rendered (奉獻(xiàn)) by this brave (勇敢的) and selfless(無(wú)私的) leader. I congratulate (祝賀) him and Gov. Palin for all they have achieved(取得) , and I look forward to (盼望, 期待) working with

28、 them to renew (再續(xù)) this nations promise(希望) in the months ahead(在未來(lái)的歲月中) .I want to thank my partner(搭檔)in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke (全心全意的) for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton (斯克蘭頓) and rode(坐) with on that train home to Delaware (特拉華

29、州) , the vice-president-elect (副總統(tǒng) of the United States, Joe Biden.I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support(堅(jiān)定的支持)of my bestfriend for the last 16 years, the rock (中流砥柱) of our family and the love of my life, our nations next first lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I

30、love you both so much, and you have earned (獲得) the new puppy (小狗) thats coming with us to the White House. And while shes no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am.I miss them tonight, and know that my debt (債務(wù),欠的) to them is beyond measure (無(wú)

31、可估量) .To my campaign manager(競(jìng)選經(jīng)理) , David Plouffe; my chief strategist (首席策劃師) , David Axelrod; and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics (政治史上) you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what youve sacrificed (奉獻(xiàn)) to get it done.But above all(最重要的是) , I will nev

32、er forget who this victory (勝利)truly (真正的) belongs to(屬于) it belongs to you.I was never the likeliest(最有希望的) candidate(候選人)for this office. We didnt start with much money or many endorsements(支持,認(rèn)可) . Our campaign (競(jìng)選) was not hatched(策劃) in the halls (大廳) of Washington it began in the backyards (后院

33、) of Des Moines (德莫奈) and the living rooms of Concord (康科德) and the front porches(前廊) of Charleston.(查爾斯頓)It was built by working men and women who dug (掏出) into what little savings (儲(chǔ)蓄,積蓄) they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to this cause(事業(yè)) . It grew strength(增長(zhǎng)) from the young people who rejecte

34、d(拒絕) the myth of(虛構(gòu)的) their generations(一代人) apathy(冷漠) ; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered (拿著, 提供)little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved (冒著) the bitter cold (嚴(yán)寒) and scorching heat(酷暑) to knock on the doors of perfect strangers (不認(rèn)識(shí)的人) ; fr

35、om the millions of Americans who volunteered(自愿) and organized(組織) , and proved (證明) that more than two centuries later(兩個(gè)世紀(jì)后) , a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished (滅亡) from this earth (地球) . This is your victory (勝利) .I know you didnt do this just to win a

36、n election (選舉) , and I know you didnt do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity (艱巨) of the task (任務(wù)) that lies ahead(即將來(lái)臨的) . For even as (即使) we celebrate(慶祝) tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime two wars (戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)) , a planet(星球)

37、in peril (處于危險(xiǎn)之中) , the worst financial crisis (金融危機(jī)) in a century(一個(gè)世紀(jì)以來(lái)) . Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts (沙漠) of Iraq (伊拉克) and the mountains of Afghanistan (阿富汗) to risk(冒。危險(xiǎn)的) their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will l

38、ie (躺) awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how theyll make the mortgage (抵押,月供) , or pay their doctors bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness(駕馭)and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats (威脅) to meet(迎接) and alliances(盟國(guó)) to repair (修復(fù)) .Th

39、e road ahead will be long. Our climb (攀登) will be steep(陡峭的) . We may not get there in one year, or even one term(一屆總統(tǒng)任期之內(nèi)) , but America I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you: We as a people (我們作為一個(gè)民族) will get there(將實(shí)現(xiàn)這一目標(biāo)) .There will be setbacks(

40、挫折) and false starts(出師不利) . There are many who wont agree withevery decision(決定)or policy(政策) I make as president(總統(tǒng)), and we know that governmentcant solve every problem. But I will always be honest(坦誠(chéng)) with you about the challenges weface. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, a

41、bove all, I will ask you join in thework of remaking(重建) this nation (國(guó)家) the only way its been done in America for 221 years block by block (一塊塊) , brick by brick (一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的砌) , callused hand by callused hand(一雙雙手) .What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter (深冬) must not end on this autumn (秋天)ni

42、ght. This victory alone is not the change (改變) we seek(尋求) it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.So let us summon (鼓起) a new spirit of patriotism (愛國(guó)主義) ; of service and responsibility (責(zé)任) where ea

43、ch of us resolves to(決定) pitch in(做出貢獻(xiàn)) and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis (金融危機(jī)) taught us anything, its that we cannot have a thriving (繁榮的) Wall Street(華爾街) while Main Street (緬因街) suffers(受損害) . In this country, we ris

44、e or fall (共存亡) as one nation as one people.Let us resist the temptation(抵制誘惑) to fall back on the same partisanship(黨派) and pettiness (瑣碎) and immaturity(不成熟的) that has poisoned(毒害) our politics(政治) for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state (州) who first carried the banner (旗幟)

45、 of the Republican Party (共和黨) to the White House a party founded on the values of self-reliance (自立自強(qiáng)) , individual liberty (個(gè)人自由) and national unity (民族團(tuán)結(jié)) . Those are values (價(jià)值觀) we all share, and while the Democratic Party (民主黨)has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humilit

46、y (我們以謙卑的態(tài)度) and determination(決心)to heal (愈合) the divides (分歧) that have held back (阻止) our progress(進(jìn)步) .As Lincoln (林肯) said to a nation far more (遠(yuǎn)比) divided (分裂的) than ours, We are not enemies(敵人) , but friends. Though passion(雖然激情) may have strained(已不再) , it must not break our bonds(團(tuán)結(jié)一致) of

47、affection (感情) . And, to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote (投票) , but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your president (總統(tǒng)) , too.And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores (海濱) , from parliaments (國(guó)會(huì)) and palaces(宮殿) to th

48、ose who are huddled (擠成一團(tuán)的) around radios in the forgotten corners (被遺忘的角落) of our world our stories are singular (我們的經(jīng)歷有所不同) , but our destiny(命運(yùn)) is shared, and a new dawn(開端) of American leadership (領(lǐng)導(dǎo)階層) is at hand (誕生) . To those who would tear this world down (顛覆世界) : We will defeat (擊?。?you.

49、To those who seek(尋求) peace and security(安全的) : We support you. And to all those who havewondered if Americas beacon(燈塔) still burns as bright: Tonight, we proved (證明) once more that the true(真正) strength(力量) of our nation comes not from the might (威力) of our arms (武裝) or the scale (規(guī)模) of our wealt

50、h (財(cái)富) , but from the enduring (持久的) power of our ideals: democracy(民主) , liberty (自由) , opportunity (機(jī)會(huì)) and unyielding (不屈的) hope.For that is the true genius (精神,天賦) of America that America can change. Our union (聯(lián)盟)can be perfected. And what we have already achieved(取得的) gives us hope for what we

51、 can and must achieve tomorrow.This election(選舉)had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations (世代). But one thats on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast (投) her ballot(投票) in Atlanta (亞特蘭大) . Shes a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice hear

52、d in this election, except for one thing: Ann Nixon Cooper (安妮。庫(kù)波爾) is 106 years old.She was born just a generation(一代) past(過(guò)去,結(jié)束)slavery(奴役制度) ; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldnt vote (投票) for two reasons because she was a woman and beca

53、use of the color of her skin.And tonight, I think about all that shes seen throughout her century (在美國(guó)一百年的經(jīng)歷) in America the heartache(心痛) and the hope; the struggle(掙扎) and the progress(進(jìn)步) ; the times(時(shí)代) we were told that we cant and the people who pressed on with (決心繼續(xù)) that American creed (信條)

54、: Yes, we can.At a time when womens voices were silenced(沉默) and their hopes dismissed(駁回), she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for(拿到了) the ballot (投票) . Yes, we can.When there was despair (絕望的) in the Dust Bowl (沙塵區(qū)) and depression across the land (大蕭條) , she saw a nation conquer(征服) fear itself with a New Deal (新政) , new jobs and a new sense of common purpose(共同的

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