兒童英文小笑話(huà)

Don'tbotherme別煩我Onedayakindmanmetapanickylittleboyinhisneighbor-hoodwhenhewasgoinghomefromhisoffice.

Henoticedthattheboyseemedtohavefoughtwithotherboys.Hekindlysaid:"Whydoyouhaveablackeye,littleman?Iamsorrytoseethat?"

Unexpectedlytheboyrepliedangrily:"Don'tbotherme.Yougohometofeelsorryforyourownlittleboy-hehasgottwo!"

有一天一個(gè)好心的人下班回家時(shí)，在他居住的小區(qū)里碰到一個(gè)神色慌張的小男孩。

他注意到這個(gè)孩子像是剛和別的孩子打過(guò)架，就親切的對(duì)他說(shuō)：“小家伙，你怎么會(huì)有個(gè)黑眼眶呀？看到你這樣，我很為你難過(guò)？”

不料這個(gè)小男孩竟然氣沖沖地回答說(shuō)：“別煩我。你回家去為你自己的小男孩難過(guò)吧。他有兩個(gè)黑眼眶。”Naivereasoning天真的推理Amanwastellingastorytohisson,afour-year-oldboy.Theboynoticedalockofgrayhaironhisfather'sheadandasked:"Whyaresomeofyourgray,papa?"

"Papawillgetagrayhaireverytimehislittleboyisnaughty,"saidhisfather,thinkingtotaketheadvantageofthisopportunitytogivehimamorallesson.

Theboythoughtforamoment,andthennaivelysaid:"Oh,Iseewhymygrandpapahasalotofgrayhaironhishead.Ithinkhemusthavehadverynaughtyboys."

有個(gè)人給他的兒子，一個(gè)4歲的男孩講故事。小男孩注意到他父親的頭上有一縷白發(fā)，就問(wèn)道：“爸爸，你的頭發(fā)怎么是白的？”

他的父親想趁機(jī)給他上一堂教育課，就回答說(shuō)：“爸爸的小男孩每頑皮一次，爸爸頭上就會(huì)長(zhǎng)出一根白頭發(fā)。”

小男孩沉思了一下，就天真地說(shuō)：“哦，我知道爺爺為什么有那么多白頭發(fā)了。我想他的兒子們一定也非常頑皮?！盋anyoueatanymore你還能吃嗎InChemistryclass,theteacherwasexplainingtherelationshipbetweensolventandsolute:"Acertainsolventcanonlydissolveacertainsolute.Forexample,youhaveeatenabowlofrice,thenonemorebowl.Afterhavingeatenthethirdbowl,youhavefeltfulltothethroat.Atthistime,canyoueatanymore?"

Oneofthestudentsasked:"Isthereanydish?"

化學(xué)課上老師講解溶劑與溶質(zhì)的關(guān)系：“一定的溶劑只能溶解一定的溶質(zhì)。比如說(shuō)，你吃了一碗飯，又吃了一碗，第三碗吃下去已經(jīng)飽了，你還能吃下去嗎？”

有個(gè)學(xué)生問(wèn)：“還有菜嗎？”Agarbagecollector垃圾收集工Johnwastenyearsold,andhewasaverylazyboy.

Hehadtogotoschoolofcourse,buthewasboredthereandtriedtodoaslittleworkaspossible.Hisfatherandmotherwerebothdoctorsandtheyhopedthathewouldbecomeone,too,whenhegrewup,butonedayLohnsaidtohismother,"WhenIfinishschool,Iwanttobecomeagarbagecollector."

"Agarbagecollector?"hismotherasked.Shewasverysurprised."That'snotaverypleasantjob.Whydoyouwanttobecomeagarbagecollector?"

"BecausethenI'donlyhavetoworkonedayaweek,"Lohnanswered.

"Onlyonedayaweek?"hismothersaid."Whatdoyoumean?"

"Well,"Johnanswered,"Iknowthat

theoneswhocometoourhouseonlyworkonWednesday,becauseIonlyseethemonthatday."

約翰10歲了，是一個(gè)非常懶的男孩子。

當(dāng)然他必須去上學(xué)，但他厭煩學(xué)校，并盡可能地少做功課。他父母親兩人都是醫(yī)生，他們兩人都希望當(dāng)他長(zhǎng)大后也當(dāng)個(gè)醫(yī)生，但有一天，約翰對(duì)他母親說(shuō)，“我上完學(xué)，我想當(dāng)個(gè)垃圾收集工。”

“垃圾收集工？”他母親問(wèn)道。他母親非常吃驚?！澳强刹皇且患钊擞淇斓墓ぷ鳌Ｄ銥槭裁聪氘?dāng)一個(gè)垃圾收集工呢？”

“因?yàn)榈綍r(shí)候我只需一周工作一天，”約翰回答說(shuō)。

“一周只工作一天？”他母親說(shuō)?！澳闶鞘裁匆馑?？”

“嗯，”約翰回答說(shuō)，“我知道來(lái)我們家的那些人只在星期三上班，因?yàn)槲抑辉谛瞧谌匆?jiàn)他們?！崩鲜笫鞘裁礃幼拥腞odentshadoverrunaposh（時(shí)髦的）privateschoolnearNewYorkCity.Sotheheadmaster,afriendofmine,askedahealthinspectortodeliveraslidepresentationtoteachersandstudents,showinghowtoremedythesituation,i.e.stow（裝載，收藏）trash,nofoodinclass,etc.

彼得回到家里，爸爸問(wèn)他學(xué)了什么。彼得馬上說(shuō)：我，我是你的老師；（然后指著他的媽媽?zhuān)┧悄愕耐瑢W(xué)；你，你是我的學(xué)生。他的爸爸聽(tīng)了非常生氣，說(shuō)：我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著他的妻子）她，她是你的媽媽?zhuān)荒悖闶俏业膬鹤印?/p>

第二天，老師問(wèn)彼得是否用心學(xué)那三個(gè)詞了。是的，彼得自豪地說(shuō)，我，我是你的爸爸；（然后指著一個(gè)女孩）她，她是你的媽媽?zhuān)荒悖闶俏业膬鹤?。Cry"Tom,what'sthematterwithyourbrother?"askedthemotherinthekitchen."He'scrying."

"Oh,nothing,Mum,"repliedTom."I'meatingmycake.HeiscryingbecauseIwon'tgivehimany."

"Buthashefinishedhisowncake?"

"Yes."saidTom."AndhealsocriedwhenIwashelpinghimfinishthat."

"湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？"媽媽在廚房里問(wèn)。"他在哭。"

"沒(méi)事兒，媽媽?zhuān)?湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因?yàn)槲也唤o他吃。"

"他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？"

"是的。""我?guī)退酝陼r(shí)，他也哭了。"Thekitchenissodark廚房里太黑了Aftersupper,theparentswerebusyplayingmah-jongwiththeguests.AtthispointthemotherthoughtofsomethingandsaidtohersonwhowaswatchingTV,"Honey,goseeifthekitchenlightisonornot?"Afterawhile,hersonreturnedandsaid,"Ma,thekitchenissodarkthatIcannotseeitatall."晚飯后，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時(shí)母親忽然想起點(diǎn)兒事來(lái)，便對(duì)正在看電視的兒子說(shuō)道：“寶貝，去看看廚房里的燈是不是還開(kāi)著呢？”過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，兒子回來(lái)說(shuō)：“媽?zhuān)瑥N房里太黑了，我根本就看不見(jiàn)?！盚eWon他贏了Tommy:Howisyourlittlebrother,Johnny?

Johnny:Heisillinbed.Hehurthimself.

Tommy:That'stoobad.Howdidthathappen?

Johnny:Weplayedwhocouldleanfurthestoutofthewindow,andhewon.

湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？

約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。

湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？

約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰(shuí)能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。

NestandHair鳥(niǎo)窩與頭發(fā)Mysister,aprimaryschoolteacher,wasinformedbyoneofherpupilsthatabirdhadbuiltitsnestinthetreeoutsidetheclassroom.

"Whatkindofbird?"mysisterasked.

"Ididn'tseethebird,ma'am,onlythenest,"repliedthechild.

"Then,canyougiveusadescriptionofthenest?"mysisterencouragedher.

"Well,ma'am,itjustresemblesyourhair."

我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個(gè)學(xué)生告訴她說(shuō)一只鳥(niǎo)兒在教室外的樹(shù)上壘了個(gè)窩。

“是什么鳥(niǎo)呢？”我姐姐問(wèn)她。

“我沒(méi)看到鳥(niǎo)兒，老師，只看到鳥(niǎo)窩?！蹦呛⒆踊卮鹫f(shuō)。

“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個(gè)鳥(niǎo)巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵(lì)她道。

“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣。”

Micro-parentsforum微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)Son:"Dad,areyouavailableonFridayafternoon?"

Dad:"Whatah?"

Son:"Theschoolwantparentstohaveamini-parentsforum!"

Dad:"Whatismicro-parentsforum?"

Son:"It'sonlyaclassteacher,youandIparticipatein!"

兒子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎？”

爸爸：“什么事?。俊?/p>

兒子：“學(xué)校要開(kāi)微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)！”

爸爸：“什么叫微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)？”

兒子：“就是只有班主任，你和我參加！”

媽媽在砸瓶子Awomanwastryinghardtogettheketchup（番茄醬）tocomeoutofthebottle.Duringherstrugglethephonerangsosheaskedherfour-year-olddaughtertoanswerthephone.Thechildsaid,"Mommycan'tcometothephonerightnow.She'shittingthebottle."

一個(gè)婦人正在使勁打開(kāi)番茄醬的瓶子。這時(shí)，電話(huà)鈴響了，她叫四歲的女兒去接電話(huà)。小孩說(shuō)：“媽媽現(xiàn)在不能接電話(huà)，她在砸瓶子?！盇lettertoGod寫(xiě)給上帝的信Alittleboyneeded$50verybadlyandprayedforweeks,butnothinghappened.ThenhedecidedtowriteGodaletterrequestingthe$50.WhenthepostofficereceivedthelettertoGod,theydecidedtosendittothepresident.Thepresidentwassoamusedthatheinstructedhissecretarytosendtheboya$5bill.Thepresidentthoughtthiswouldappeartobealotofmoneytoalittleboy.Thelittleboywasdelightedwiththe$5billandsatdowntowriteathank-younotetoGod,whichread:DearGod:Thankyouverymuchforsendingthemoney.However,InoticedthatforsomereasonyousentitthroughWashington,D.C.,and,asusual,thoseturkeyskept$45intaxes.

有個(gè)小男孩非常需要50美元，他為此禱告了數(shù)周但是什么也沒(méi)發(fā)生。后來(lái)，他決定寫(xiě)封信向上帝索要這50美元。郵局接到這封信，想了想覺(jué)得還是應(yīng)該交給總統(tǒng)比較好?？偨y(tǒng)被逗笑了，于是指示秘書(shū)寄給小男孩5美元，因?yàn)樗X(jué)得5美元對(duì)于一個(gè)小孩來(lái)講已經(jīng)是不少了。小男孩收到了錢(qián)很高興，給上帝回了一封感謝信，信里寫(xiě)道：尊敬的上帝，非常感謝你把錢(qián)寄給我。然而，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這些錢(qián)是通過(guò)白宮寄出的，因此，和往常一樣，那幫家伙收了我45美元的稅。SavingMoney省錢(qián)Amantoldhissontotakealettertothepostoffice,buyathree-centstampandmailit.

Afterawhilehissonreturned.Themanaskedhim,"Didyoumailtheletter?"

Hissonreplied,"Certainly,andIhavesavedthethreecents.Isawmanypeopledroppinglettersinabox,sowhennobodywaslooking,Idroppedmineintoo."

有個(gè)人叫他的兒子拿一封信到郵局去買(mǎi)一張三分錢(qián)的郵票把它寄出去。

過(guò)了一會(huì)兒他的兒子回來(lái)了，他問(wèn)兒子：“信寄了嗎？”

兒子回答說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然寄了，我還省了三分錢(qián)哩。我看到很多人把信投進(jìn)了一個(gè)箱子，我就趁沒(méi)人的時(shí)候把我的也投進(jìn)去了?！盨tupidOrders愚蠢的命令WhenNasreddinwasaboy,heneverdidwhathewastold,sohisfatheralwaystoldhimtodotheoppositeofwhathewantedhimtodo.

Oneday,whenthetwowerebringingsacksofflourhomeontheirdonkeys,theyhadtocrossashallowriver.Whentheywereinthemiddleofit,oneofthesacksonNasreddin'sdonkeybegantoslip,sohisfathersaid,"Thatsackisnearlyinthewater!Pressdownhardonit!"

Hisfatherofcourseexpectedthathewoulddotheopposite,butthistimeNasreddindidwhathisfatherhadtoldhimtodo.Hepresseddownonthesackanditwentunderwater.Ofcourse,theflourwaslost.

"Whathaveyoudone,Nasreddin,"hisfathershoutedangrily."Well,father,"saidNasreddin."ThistimeIthoughtthatIwoulddojustwhatyoutoldmetoshowyouhowstupidyourordersalwaysare."

當(dāng)納斯雷金還是個(gè)孩子時(shí)，從來(lái)不按照別人所說(shuō)的去做。所以他爸爸想要他去做某事時(shí)，常叫他做相反的事。

一天，父子倆用毛驢馱著幾袋面粉往家走，路上必須經(jīng)過(guò)一條不深的小河。父子倆走到河中心時(shí)，納斯雷金牽的那頭毛驢上有一袋面粉開(kāi)始往下滑了。他爸爸說(shuō)：“那個(gè)袋子快掉進(jìn)水里了，使勁往下按！”

他爸爸當(dāng)然是希望他象以往一樣，干和他所說(shuō)的相反的事?？蛇@次納斯雷金卻按照他爸爸所說(shuō)的去做了。他使勁一按，袋子沉進(jìn)水里了。當(dāng)然，這袋面也沒(méi)有了。

他爸爸憤怒地喊道：“你干的什么事！”納斯雷金說(shuō)：“嗯，爸爸，這次我想按你所要求的去做，好證明你以往的命令是多么的愚蠢。”Iwantanightmare真想做個(gè)噩夢(mèng)Beforethefinalexamination,Tomtoldhismother,"Mom,IhadadreamlastnightthatI'dpassedtoday'sexam."

"Don'ttrustdreams,dear.Itissaidwhatyouexperienceindreamsusuallyturnsouttobetheopposite."Motherreplied.

"ThenIdohopeI'llfailtheothersubjectsinmydreamtonight,"Tomsaid.

在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：“媽媽?zhuān)易蛱焱砩献隽艘粋€(gè)夢(mèng)，夢(mèng)見(jiàn)我通過(guò)了今天的考試?！?/p>

“不要相信夢(mèng)，親愛(ài)的。據(jù)說(shuō)夢(mèng)中的經(jīng)歷通常與現(xiàn)實(shí)相反。”媽媽答道。

“那么，我真希望在今晚的夢(mèng)中，我的其他功課都不及格。”湯姆說(shuō)。WhenwasRomebuiltTeacher:WhenwasRomebuilt?

Tom:Atnight.

Teacher:Whotoldyouthat?

Tom:Youdid.YousaidRomewasn'tbuiltinaday.Wateryourflowerseveryday"Flowersneedwater,"saidtheteacher."Wateryourflowerseveryday,orthey'lldie."

OnemorningMothersawMarryoutinthegardenandasked,"Whatareyoudoingthere,Marry?"

"Wateringflowers,"saidMarry.

"Butitisrainingnow!"

"Oh,itdoesn'tmatter.Mum."

“花需要水，”老師說(shuō)，“每天給花澆水，否則他們會(huì)死掉的”。

一天早上，母親看到瑪麗在花園，就問(wèn)：“瑪麗，你在干嗎？”

“我在給花澆水?！爆旣惢卮稹?/p>

“可是在下雨?。　?/p>

“哦，沒(méi)事媽媽?！盌on'targuewiththechildrenAlittlegirlwastalkingtoherteacheraboutwhales.

Theteachersaiditwasphysicallyimpossibleforawhaletoswallowahumanbecause,eventhoughitwasaverylargemammal,itsthroatwasverysmall.

ThelittlegirlstatedthatJonahwasswallowedbyawhale.

Irritated,theteacherreiteratedthatawhalecouldnotswallowahuman,itwasphysicallyimpossible.

Thelittlegirlsaid,"Well,whenIgettoHeaven,IwillaskJonah."

Theteacherasked,sarcastically,"WhatifJonahwenttoHell?"

Thelittlegirlreplied,"Thenyouaskhim."

一個(gè)小女孩和她的老師在說(shuō)鯨魚(yú)。

老師說(shuō)，鯨魚(yú)不可能吞了一個(gè)人，因?yàn)?，即使這是一個(gè)非常大的哺乳動(dòng)物，它的喉嚨是非常小。

小女孩說(shuō)，約拿被一條鯨魚(yú)吞噬。

老師惱火的重申鯨魚(yú)不能吞下一個(gè)人身體是不可能的。

小女孩說(shuō)，"好吧，當(dāng)我到達(dá)天堂，我會(huì)問(wèn)約拿"。

老師問(wèn)，反譏道："什么，如果約拿到地獄呢"？

小女孩回答說(shuō)："那你問(wèn)他"。ARithmeticLessonAlittleboybustled（喧鬧，忙亂）intoagroceryonedaywithamemorandum（便箋）inhishand.

″Hello,Mr.Smith,″Hesaid,″Iwantthirteenpoundsofcoffeeat33cents.″

″Verygood,″saidthegrocer,andhenoteddownthesale.

″Anythingelse,Charlie?″

″Yes.Twenty－sevenpoundsofsugarat9cents.″

″Theloaf?Andwhatelse?″

″Sevenandahalfpoundsofbaconat30cents.″

″Thatwillbeagoodbrand.Goon.″

″Fivepoundsofteaat90cents,elevenandahalfquartsofmolassesat8centsapint,twoeight－poundhamsat31cents,andfivedozenjarsofpickledwalnuts（核桃）at34centsajar.″

Thegrocermadeoutthebill.

″It'sabigorder,″hesaid.″Didyourmothertellyoutopayforit？″

″Mymother,″saidtheboy,ashepocketedtheneatandaccuratebill,″hasnothingtodowiththisbusiness.Itismyarithmetic（算術(shù)）lessonandIhadtogetitdonesomehow.″

一天，一個(gè)小男孩匆匆忙忙地走進(jìn)了一家雜貨店，手里拿著一張清單。

“史密斯先生，你好，”他說(shuō)道：“3毛3分錢(qián)一磅的咖啡，請(qǐng)給我13磅?！?/p>

“好的，”雜貨店老板馬上把這筆生意記了下來(lái)。

“還要?jiǎng)e的什么，查理？”

“要的。再要27磅糖，9分錢(qián)一磅的?！?/p>

“面包要不要？還要什么？”“7磅半咸肉，3毛錢(qián)一磅的?！?/p>

“這肉是名牌的呢，還有呢？”

“9毛錢(qián)一磅的茶葉，給我5磅，8分錢(qián)一品脫的糖漿要11夸脫半，3毛1分錢(qián)一磅的8磅的大火腿要兩只，3毛4分錢(qián)一罐的腌核桃要5打。”

雜貨店老板把賬單算了出來(lái)。“你買(mǎi)了很多東西，”他說(shuō)：“你媽媽叫你現(xiàn)在把錢(qián)付清嗎？”

小男孩一面把那清楚準(zhǔn)確的賬單放進(jìn)口袋，一面說(shuō)：“這和我媽沒(méi)關(guān)系，這是我自己的算術(shù)作業(yè),我總得想辦法把它做出來(lái)！”GoestothecinemaAboygoestothecinema.Hebuysaticketandgoesin.Butaftertwoorthreeminuteshecomesout.Hebuysasecondticketandgoesinagain.Afterafewminuteshecomesoutagainandbuysathirdticket.Twoorthreeminutesafterthathecomesoutathirdtimeandasksforanotherticket.Theticketsellersaystohim,"Whyareyoubuyingallthese?Areyoumeetingfriendsinthecinemaallthetime?""No,I’mnotdoingthat."Thesmallmansays,"Butabigwomanalwaysstopsmeatthedoorandtearsmyticketsup."一個(gè)男孩去看電影。他買(mǎi)了張票進(jìn)去了。但兩到三分鐘后他出來(lái)。他又買(mǎi)了第二張票進(jìn)去了。幾分鐘后他又出來(lái)買(mǎi)了第三張票。兩三分鐘后,他第三次出來(lái),要求再買(mǎi)一張票。售票員說(shuō),“你為什么買(mǎi)這么多票?你一直在電影院遇見(jiàn)朋友嗎?”“不,不是的?！靶∧腥苏f(shuō),“但一個(gè)女人總是停在門(mén)口,撕我的票?！盝ohnnyisbusynowItwashalf-pasteightinthemorning.ThetelephonerangandMarywenttoanswerit.'Hello,who'sthat?'sheasked.'It'sme--Peter.'PeterwasafriendofMary'seight-year-ol