【讀后續(xù)寫】 2021年9月七彩陽光高三返?？甲x后續(xù)寫講評 -Cali學會了滑冰名師課件-李冬琴、紀瑩

基于沖突和解決（conflict---solution）模式的讀后續(xù)寫講評

Cali學會了滑冰——2021年9月“七彩陽光”返校考臨安區(qū)昌化中學李冬琴；紀瑩

WrappingpaperfleweverywhereasCaliopenedhergift.Theboxhadapictureofaprettygirl.She

waswearingwhiteiceskatesandturningaroundafrozenpond.

Calilookedupatherauntandunclewithherbigbrowneyes.“Figureskates?Wow!Howniceofyou!

But,”thelittlegirlhesitated,“…butIdon’tknowhowtoskate.”Shelookedembarrassed.

“Don’tworry,”saidAuntLisa.“That’sthefunpart—learninghowtodoit!”

“That’sright,”saidUncleGeorge.“Wewilltakeyoutotheicerink(冰場)andallgoskating

together.

“Idon’tknow…”saidCali.Shewasn’ttoosureshewasgoingtobeabletodoit.Sometimesshehad

ahardtimelearningnewthings.Shelookedagainatthehappygirlonthebox.Itdidlooklikefun.Cali

imaginedherselfmovingandturningontheicelikearealfigureskater.“Okay,”sheagreed.“Let’sdoit!”

ThenextdayCaliwenttotheskatingrinkwithherauntanduncle.Hereyestwinkledandherfacelitupwithexcitementasshelookedattheotherskatersaroundher.Shesatdownonthebenchandslippedherfeetintotheskates.

Holdingthestringsinherfingers,shecouldnotfigureouthowtotiethemup.“Idon’tknowhowtodoit,”shesaid.Shefeltsadthatthiswasanotherthingshecouldn’tdo.

“Letmeshowyou.”Herauntbentdownononeknee,explaininghowtoputthestringsaroundthesmallhooks(鉤子).Thenshetiedthemintoatightbow.“Now,youdotheotherskateyourself.I’llhelpyouifyouneedit.”Calibentovertheskateanddidwhatheraunthadshowedher.Hertonguestuckoutofthesideofhermouthasshepaidattention.Afterafewtries,sheworkedouthowtocrossthestringsaroundthehooks.Heraunthelpedmakesurethestringswereniceandtight.“Youdidit!”smiledheraunt,pattingCaliontheback.Paragraph1:

“Timetohittheice,”herunclesaid.

。Paragraph2:

Oof!Shefelldown,hard.

。

beginning/settingRisingactionEndingStep1.Readfortheplot&emotionalchangeCaliopenedthegiftfromherauntanduncleandfounditapairoffigureskate.Shedidn’tknowhowtoskate.??hesitant&embarrassedhappyinterestedTimetohittheice.Sheimaginedthatskatingmightbefun.excitedShelookedatotherskatersaroundherintherink.sad&unconfidentShefoundsomethingsthatshecouldn’tdo.Shefelldown.

developmentStep2.ReadfortheConflict...thelittlegirlhesitated,“…butIdon’tknowhowtoskate.”Shelookedembarrassed.Solution1:

Cali’suncleandaunttookhertotherinkforlearninghowtoskate.Conflict1:

Thegirldidn’tknowhowtoskate.Principle:Conflict-Solution“Don’tworry,”saidAuntLisa.“That’sthefunpart—learninghowtodoit!”“That’sright,”saidUncleGeorge.“Wewilltakeyoutotheicerink(冰場)andallgoskating

together.”Paragraph1:“Timetohittheice,”herunclesaid._______________________________________Calilearnhowtoskatewiththehelp/encouragementofhisuncleandaunt)Step2:ReadfortheConflict...Holdingthestringsinherfingers,shecouldnotfigureouthowtotiethemup.“Idon’tknowhowtodoit,”shesaid.Shefeltsadthatthiswasanotherthingshecouldn’tdo.Solution2:Cali’saunttaughthertotiethestringsup.Conflict2:

Thegirldidn’tknowhowtotiethestringsup,feelingsad.Principle:Conflict-Solution“Letmeshowyou.”Heraunt

bentdownononeknee,explaininghowtoputthestringsaroundthesmallhooks(鉤子).Thenshetiedthemintoatightbow.“Now,youdotheotherskateyourself.I’llhelpyouifyouneedit.”Calibentovertheskateanddidwhatheraunthadshowedher.Hertonguestuckoutofthesideofhermouthasshepaidattention.Afterafewtries,sheworkedouthowtocrossthestringsaroundthehooks.Heraunthelpedmakesurethestringswereniceandtight.“Youdidit!”smiledheraunt,pattingCaliontheback..Languagelearning:bentdownononeknee單膝跪地tiestringsintoatightbow把鞋帶系成蝴蝶結Her

tongue

stuck

out

of

the

side

of

her

mouth.舌頭從嘴里伸了出來patsbontheback拍某人后背Step2:ReadfortheConflictPrinciple:Conflict-SolutionParagraph1:“Timetohittheice,”herunclesaid.___________________________________

Solution1:

Calilearnhowtoskatewiththehelp/encourageofhisuncleandaunt)Paragraph2:Oof!Shefelldown,hard._______Conflict3:

Thegirlfelldownwhenskating.Solution3:

HowdidCalifeel?Howdidshestandupagain?Byherselforwiththehelpofheruncle&aunt?Shefinallylearnedhowtoskate.Howdidshemakeitbyherself?

Solution1:HowdidCalifeelwhenfirstsetherfeetontherink?Howdidheruncleandaunthelpedme?Howdidsheperformmyfirststepsofice-skating?WhatmadeCaliLostherbalance？Step3:Accumulatethelanguage學習新運動或者新技能時候的緊張、興奮描寫

雙腿顫抖、雙掌冒汗，她把她的一只腳小心翼翼地伸到光滑的冰面上。Legstremblingandpalmssweating（獨立主格結構）,she

putoneofherfeetcautiouslyonthesmoothsurfaceoftherink.

2.看著其他人自由地滑著和這光滑的冰面，她的內心充滿了既興奮又緊張。Asshe

looked

at

the

smoothsurfaceandotherskaters’glidingfreely,amixtureofexcitementandnervousnessstruckintoherheart.Lookingatthesmoothsurfaceandotherskaters’glidingfreely,shecouldfeelarollercoasterofexcitementandnervousnessflickeringinherheart.(用高級句式開始自己的續(xù)寫首句，立刻贏得閱卷老師的青睞)Step3:Accumulatethelanguage學習新運動或者新技能時候的緊張(nervousness從頭到腳)

Aflood/burstofnervousness(fear)creptinmymind/sweptoverme.Abeadofsweatpoppedoutofmyforehead.Mylipstrembled.My

throattightened.Myheartskippedamissandthenraced.Myheartwasbeatingwildly.Myheartalmostjumpedoutofmythroat.Mystomachwasfullofbutterflies.Mystomachbegantochurn(攪動)Mystomachtightenedintoabaseball.Myhands/palmsweresweaty./grewclammy(濕漉漉的)Mykneesfeltshaky.Step3:Accumulatethelanguage學習新運動或者新技能時候的緊張(nervousness從頭到腳)

Herlegstrembled/shivered.Ｉcan’thelpwriggling(扭動)my

toes

nervously.Istoodrootedtothespot,motionlessly.Istoodgluedtothegroundandcouldn’tmoveaninch.Iwasseizedbyafloodoffear.Iwasquivering（顫抖)from

my

head

to

toe.

Mymindwentblankandeverypartofmewasplunged(陷入)intofear.鼓勵新學者動作和語言描寫Step3:AccumulatethelanguageShecastmeanencouragingsmile/grin（咧嘴笑）andcomfortedme.Shepattedmesmoothlyontheshoulder/back，saying,“...”Shegavemeapatonmyshoulder/back.Shestroked(撫摸)myheadandsaid,“Bebrave!Giveitatry.”Shewrapped/folded/heldmeintoherarmsandwhispered,“mygirl,wewillmakeit”Shewrapped/foldedherarmsalittletighteraroundmeandsoothed(安慰)me，“It’sok”Step3:Accumulatethelanguage學習新運動或者新技能時候的想起別人鼓勵的語言

Aunt’swordsflashedinto/echoedinmymind.

阿姨的話閃過我的腦海/在我腦海回響。Myinnervoicetoldmetokeepmoving.

我的內心告訴我要繼續(xù)！

學會后的高興&滿足感Iwasenvelopedwithoverwhelmingdelight.Asenseoffulfillmentwelledupfromthebottomofmyheart.Iwasbeaming(喜氣洋洋)wholeheartedlythistime.Thistime,Ihadtastedthecharm/fun/joyoflearningnewthings.WithamixtureofthrillandnervousnessShesaw

waswhispered學生習作點評：本文充分利用短文中的關鍵詞語構建了與上文合情合理的情節(jié)結構。文中描述了其他skaters的表現用以作為對比，也用了恰到好處的心理描寫將故事情節(jié)進行推動。結尾深化了文章主旨，點明了中心，起到了正能量的導向作用。文中語言靈活豐富，如managetodo;creepupon;tearsblurredhervision等表達、副詞的靈活運用和liftingherhead;lookingintoheruncle’sencouragingeyes等-ing形式作狀語。學生習作點評：本文情節(jié)與原文融洽度較高，作者充分利用了所給出的兩段的段首句，合理地發(fā)揮了想象，構思巧妙，行文自然。原文中較多筆墨描寫了aunt對Cali的鼓勵和幫助，本文中接著描寫了uncle的作用，使故事情節(jié)更加飽滿。結局圓滿，富有正能量；字跡清晰端莊。文中語法錯誤較少，語言靈活豐富，有如themoment作連詞;dashtoward;wassoonseizedwithexcitement等表達、副詞的靈活運用和-ing形式作狀語的高級表達。Paragraph1:“Timetohittheice,”herunclesaid.

Legstremblingandpalmssweating(獨立主格),Cali

putoneofherfeetcautiously

onthesmoothsurfaceoftherink.“Don’t

worry

!

Wewillholdyourhandsandyoustandbetweenus.”Caligraduallygrabbedtheirhandsandmadeherfirststepontothesmoothice.Shegrinned(咧嘴笑著)andtriedtakingafewsteps.“Good,Cali.Nowtrytoglide（滑）forabitlonger.”suggestedheraunt.Thenheruncleskatedinfrontofherwhileherauntguidedherfrombehind.“Skatetoyourunclenow,”shesaid,pushingheronthebackalittletogetmorespeed.③Caliglidedunsteadilytowardsheruncle,takingsmallstepsandfightingforbalance（分詞做伴隨）.Atthatmoment,askaterwaszoomingpasther.Shestartedtogetnervousagainandlostherbalance.(就在那時，一個溜冰者從她身邊疾馳而過,她又開始緊張，失去了平衡。)Onepossibleversion高分范文欣賞：該范文語言結構嚴謹，情節(jié)跌宕起伏，續(xù)寫第一段對練習滑冰的動作描寫較多，生動地描寫了uncle對Cali學習滑冰過程中起到的重要作用。該段語言結構多樣，采用了獨立主格結構、分詞作伴隨結構，也同樣靈活地運用了副詞對動作描寫進行修飾。Paragraph2:Oof!Shefelldown,hard.④Ithurtsomuch.Sheclosedhereyesandtriednottocrybuttearsrolleddownhercheeksuncontrollably.Aunt’swordsechoinginhermind(獨立主格結構),Calistruggledtoherfeetandtookadeepbreath,determinedtogiveitanothertry“Bebrave.Keepgoing.Smallsteps.Yes!”Minutestickingaway（時間滴滴答答地流逝），shecouldskatealmostallthewayaroundtherinkbyherself!Herauntcaughtuptoherandtookherhand.“Lookatyou!Youareworkingsohardanddoingsowell.We’reproudofyou.”Withasenseoffulfillmentwellingupformherbottom（with結構）,Calihadtastedthecharmoflearningnewthingsforthefirsttime.Onepossibleversion高分范文欣賞：該范文續(xù)寫第二段同樣是動作描寫居多，采用了獨立主格結構，還恰當運用了with結構，使行文流暢自然。結尾與原文中“Sometimesshehadahardtimelearningnewthings”相呼應，對文章主旨進行了升華，起到了積極的人生啟示作用。參考范文

“Timetohittheice,”herunclesaid.Ashehelpedherwalktotheedgeoftherink,hesaid,“Wewill

holdyourhandsandyoustandbetweenus.”Calitooktheirhandsinhersandmadeherfirststepontothesmoothice.Shegrinnedandtriedtakingafewsteps.“Good,Cali.Nowtrytoglideononefootforjusta

secondlongeroneachfootasyou

walk,”suggestedheraunt.Thenheruncleskatedinfrontofherwhile

herauntguidedherfrombehind.“Skatetoyourunclenow,”