ATelephoneCall

1、A Teleph one CallA Telephone CallA Telephone Call PLEASE, God, let him teleph one me now. Dear God, let him call me no w. I wont ask any thi ng else of You, truly I wont. It isnt very much to ask. It would be so little to You, God, such a little, little thi ng. Only let him telepho ne now. Please, G

2、od. Please, please, please.If I did nt thi nk about it, maybe the telepho ne might ring. Sometimes it does that. If I could thi nk of somethi ng else. If I could thi nk of somethi ng else. Maybe if I coun ted five hun dred by fives, it might ring by that time. rII count slowly. I wont cheat. And if

3、it rings whe n I get to three hun dred, I wont stop;I wont an swer it un til I get to five hun dred. Five, ten, fiftee n,twenty, twenty-five,thirty, thirty-five, forty, forty-five, fifty.Oh, please ring. Please.This is the last time r II look at the clock. I will not look atit again. Its ten minutes

4、 past seven. He said he would teleph one at five oclock. I ll call you at five, darli ng. I thi nk thats where he said darli ng. Im almost sure he said it there. I know he called me darling twice, and the other time was when he said good-bye. Good-bye, darling. He was busy, and he cant say much in t

5、he office, but he called me darli ng twice. He could nt have min ded my calli ng him up. I know you should nt keep teleph oning them ?I know they dont like that.Whe n you do that they know you are thi nking about them and wanting them, and that makes them hate you. But I had nt talked to him in thre

6、e days ?not in three days. And all I did was ask him how he was; it was just the way an ybody might have called him up. He could nt have min ded that. He could nt have thought I was botheringhim. No, of course youre not,hesaid. And he said hed teleph one me.He did nt have to say that. I did nt ask h

7、im to, truly I did nt.rm sure I did nt. I dont think he would say hed teleph one me, and then just never do it. Please dont let him do that, God. Please dont.Ill call you at five, darli ng. Good-bye, darli ng. He was busy, and he was in a hurry, and there were people around him, but he called me dar

8、ling twice. Thats mine, thats mine. I have that, eve n if I n ever see him aga in. Oh, but thats so little.That isnt eno ugh. Nothi ngs eno ugh, if I n ever see him aga in.Please let me see him aga in, God. Please, I want him so much. I want him so much. Ill be good, God. I will try to be better, I

9、will, If you will let me see him aga in. If You will let him teleph oneme. Oh, let him teleph one me now.Ah, dont let my prayer seem too little to You, God. You sit up there, so white and old, with all the an gels about You and the stars slipp ing by. And I come to You with a prayer about a teleph o

10、ne call. Ah, dont laugh, God. You see, You dont know how it feels. Youre so safe, there on Your thr one, with the blue swirling under You.Nothingcan touch You; no one can twistYour heart in his han ds. This is sufferi ng, God, this is bad, bad suffering. Wont You help me? For Your Sons sake, help me

11、. You said You would do whatever was asked of You in His n ame. Oh, God, in the n ame of Thine6 only beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, let him teleph one me now.I must stop this. I must nt be this way. Look. Suppose a young man says hell call a girl up, and then something happe ns, and he does nt

12、. That isnt so terrible, is it? Why, its going on all over the world, right this minu te. Oh, what do I care whats going on all over the world? Why cant that teleph one ring? Why cant it, why cant it? Could nt you ring?Ah, please, could nt you? You damn ed, ugly, shi ny thi ng. It would hurt you to

13、ring, would nt it? Oh, that would hurt you.Damn you, I ll pull your filthy roots out of the wall, Ill smash your smug black face in little bits.7 Damn you to hell.No, no, no. I must stop. I must think about something else. This is what rII do. rII put the clock in the other room. The n I cant look a

14、t it. If I do have to look at it, the n r II have to walk into the bedroom, and that will be something to do. Maybe, before I look at it aga in, he will call me. I ll be so sweet to him, if he calls me. If he says he cant see me toni ght, I ll say, Why, thats all right, dear. Why, of course its all

15、right. Ill be the way I was whe n I first met him. The n maybe hell like me aga in. I was always sweet, at first. Oh, its so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.I thi nk he must still like me a little. He could nthavecalled me darli ng twice today, if he did nt still like me a little.It

16、isnt all gon e, if he still likes me a little; eve n if its on ly a little, little bit. You see, God, if You would just let him teleph one me, I would nt have to ask You any thi ng more. I would be sweet to him, I would be gay, I would be just the way I used to be, and then he would love me aga in.

17、And the n I would n ever have to ask You for any thi ng more. Dont You see, God? So wont You please let him teleph oneme? Wont You please, please,please?Are You puni shi ng me, God, because r ve bee n bad? Are You angry with me because I did that? Oh, but, God, there are so many bad people ?You coul

18、d not be hard only to me. And it was nt very bad; it could nt have bee n bad. We did nt hurt an ybody, God. Things are only bad whe n they hurt people. We did nt hurt one sin gle soul; You know that. You know it was nt bad, dont You, God?So wont You let him telepho ne me now?If he does nt teleph one

19、 me, Ill know God is angry with me. Ill count five hun dred by fives, and if he has nt called me then, I will know God isnt going to help me, ever aga in. That will be the sign. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five, forty, forty-five, fifty, fifty-five. It was bad. I knew it wa

20、s bad. All right, God, send me to hell. You think Youre frighte ning me with Your hell, dont You? You think. Your hell is worse tha n mine.I must nt. I must nt do this. Suppose hes a little late calli ng me up ?thats nothing to get hysterical about.Maybe he isnt going to call ?maybe hes coming strai

21、ght up here without telephoning. Hell be cross10 if he sees I have been crying. They dont like you to cry. He does nt cry. I wish to God I could make him cry. I wish I could make him cry and tread the floor and feel his heart heavy and big and festeri ng in him. I wish I could hurt him like hell.He

22、does nt wish that about me. I dont think he eve nknows how he makes me feel. I wish he could know, without my telli ng him. They dont like you to tell them theyve made you cry. They dont like you to tell them youre unhappy because of them. If you do, they thi nk youre possessive and exact ing. And t

23、he n they hate you. They hate you whe never you say anything you really think. You always have to keep play ing little games. Oh, I thought we did nt have to; I thought this was so big I could say whatever I mea nt. I guess you cant, ever. I guess there isnt ever anything big eno ugh for that. Oh, i

24、f he would just telepho ne, I would nt tell him I had bee n sad about him. They hate sad people. I would be so sweet and so gay, he could nt help but like me. If he would on ly teleph one.If hewould only teleph one.Maybe thats what he is doing. Maybe he is coming onhere without calling me up. Maybe

25、hes on his way now. Something might have happened to him. No, nothing could ever happe n to him. I cant picture any thi ng happe ning to him.I n ever picture him run over. I n ever see him lying still and long and dead. I wish he were dead. Thats a terrible wish. Thats a lovely wish. If he were dead

26、, he would be min e. If he were dead, I would never think of now and the last few weeks. I would remember only the lovely times. It would be all beautiful. I wish he were dead. I wish he were dead, dead, dead.This is silly. Its silly to go wish ing people were dead just because they dont call you up

27、 the very minute they said they would. Maybe the clocks fast; I dont know whether its right. Maybe hes hardly late at all. Anything could have made him a little late. Maybe he had to stay at his office. Maybe he went home, to call me up from there, and somebody came in. He does nt like to teleph one

28、me in front of people. Maybe hesworried, just a little, little bit, about keeping me waiting. He might even hope that I would call him up. I could do that. I could telepho ne him.I must nt. I must nt, I must nt. Oh, God, please dont let me teleph one him. Please keep me from doing that. I know, God,

29、 just as well as You do, that if he were worried about me, hed teleph one no matter where he was or how many people there were around him. Please make me know that, God. I dont ask YOU to make it easy for me ?You cant do that, for all that You could make a world. On ly let me know it, God. Dont let

30、me go on hoping. Dont let me say comforting things to myself. Please dont let me hope, dear God. Please dont.I wont teleph one him. I ll n ever telepho ne him aga in as long as I live. Hell rot in hell, before r II call him up. You donthave to give me stre ngth, God; I have it myself. If he wan tedm

31、e, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows rm wait ing here. Hes so sure of me, so sure. I won der why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you. I should think it would be so sweet to be sure.It would be so easy to telephone him. Then rd know.Maybe it would nt be a foolish thing to do.

32、Maybe he would nt mind. Maybe hed like it. Maybe he has bee n trying to get me. Sometimes people try and try to get you on the telephone, and they say the nu mber does nt an swer. Im no t just say ing that to help myself; that really happe ns. You know that really happe ns, God. Oh, God, keep me awa

33、y from that teleph one.Keep me away. Let me still have just a little bit of pride. I thi nk rm going to n eed it, God. I thi nk it will be all r II have.Oh, what does pride matter, whe n I cant sta nd it if I donttalk to him? Pride like that is such a silly, shabby little thi ng.The real pride, the

34、big pride, is in having no pride. rm not say ing that just because I want to call him. I am not. Thats true,I know thats true. I will be big. I will be bey ond little prides.Please, God, keep me from, telephoninghim. Please,God.I dont see what pride has to do with it. This is such a littlething, for

35、 me to be bringing in pride, for me to be maki ng such a fuss about. I may have misun derstood him. Maybe he said for me to call him up, at five. Call me at five, darling. could have said that, perfectly well. Its so possible that I did nt hear him right. Call me at five, darli ng. rm almost sure th

36、ats what he said. God, dont let me talk this way to myself. Make me know, please make me know.rII think about something else. rII just sit quietly. could sit still. If I could sit still. Maybe I could read. Oh, all the books are about people who love each other, truly and sweetly. What do they want to write about that for? Dont they know it isnt true? Dont they know its a lie, its a God damned What do they have to tell about that for, whe n they know how it hurts? Damn them, damn them, damn the