老爸老媽羅曼史第一季

1、Pilot 1.01EditFirst scene of the series, in 2030Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?Future Ted: No.Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five y

2、ears ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other lifeTed just saw RobinFuture Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."Ted: Hey Barney, see th

3、at girl?Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.Purple Giraffe 1.02EditLily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like. my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my under

4、wear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.Marshall: stops working and looks at Lily No underwear?Lily: Not even slightly.Ted: Guys. camera pans to reveal he is in the room with them BOUNDARIES!Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nightsTed: Ro

5、bin, look I didnt invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. Robin smiles I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.Robin: Well, here I am.Ted: Theres something here, look, unless Im crazy.Robin: Youre not crazy. II dont know

6、, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and youre looking at me with that look and its likeTed: Like what?Robin: Likelets fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.Ted: Im not gonna force sports on them unless theyre interested.Robin: laughs Its a great

7、look. But youre looking at the wrong girl.Ted: No, Im not.Robin: Yes, you are. I dont wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together Id feel like Id either have to marry you or break your heart andI just couldnt do either of those things. Just like you cant turn off the way you feel.

8、Ted: reaches in jacket Click. Off. Lets make out.Robin: laughs What?Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, buton the other hand - you, me, the roof.Robin: Theres no off switch.Ted: There is an o

9、ff switch and its off.Robin: smiling no, its not.Ted: silence yes, it is. draws closer to TedRobin: No itsnot.Ted: Yesit is long kiss with Robin No its not. Youre right, theres no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!Sweet Taste of Liberty 1.03EditTe

10、d: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.Ted: Yes, he's that lame. to Barney Tell him you&#

11、39;re that lame.Barney: .we are international businessmen!Barney: at a party Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?Employee: Yeah.Barney: Have you ever licked it?Employee: Nope.I

12、 have never licked it.Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word?Ted: I'm leaving.Barney: Legendary!Return of the Shirt 1.04EditBarney: Booger.Ted: Yes, hello Barney.Robin: Barney's offe

13、ring me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just

14、 things in a diaper.Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to. the City Hall beat.Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple"

15、, and it's a hundred. motions with finger Step into my web.Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her.againNatalie: after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I.Natal

16、ie: It's my birthday!Ted: Yes, I know it's just.Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?Ted: It's no big deal. It's not like you lost the lottery-Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? Ted stammers So what'

17、;s the problem?Ted: I can't explain.Natalie: Try!Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.Natalie: So I'm stupid?Ted: What's going on?Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over

18、 my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!Ted: No no, it's not like that.it's just.it's just-Natalie: WHAT!?Ted: I'm just like

19、 super busy right now.Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said.Natalie: in flashback, at the bar I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli A

20、rmy.Natalie proceeds to beat up TedOkay Awesome 1.05EditBarney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!Ted: What!? begins to laughBarney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is

21、not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle this night did not ha

22、ppen.Lily: Hey.Robin: Hey.Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not ev

23、en an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.Slutty Pumpkin 1.06EditLily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention spa

24、n, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.Lily: As parrot Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!Marshall: Again?Marshall follows Lily to the bathroomTed: Where are you going?Marshall: It's. an elaborate costume.Robin: How do you do this Te

25、d? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just

26、 seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.Matchmaker 1.07EditLily: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up&qu

27、ot;: to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"Ted: Okay. I get it!Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?Lily: It was a cockamouse!Robin: What?Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mo

28、use, you know.Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?The Duel 1.08EditFlashbackMarshall: So when Lily and I get married. who's gonna get the apartment?Ted: Wow. that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?Marshall: Who?Ted: Future Te

29、d & Future Marshall.Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.Present DayTed: Dammit, Past Ted!Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fightLily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance

30、ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?Belly Full of Turkey 1.09EditRobin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiv

31、ing in October.Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.Ted: beat

32、0;.your cops are called 'mounties'.Ted: Barney.Barney: Yeah, what's up?Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.Barney: Yeah, so? Ted steals paper Hey! That's my private personal business!Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"?Robin: Oh my God, you're on

33、probation? What did you do?Barney: That's my private personal business!flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!Ted: You peed on a church?Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church

34、which I did not see because I was drunk!Ted: You are evil!Robin: All is right with the world again.The Pineapple Incident 1.10EditMarshall: You okay?Ted: Sure. Why?Marshall: Ah. I don't know. Girl of your dreams. dating a billionaire.Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. A

35、nd second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I.I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a. Barney starts snoringBarney: Wha.? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on t

36、he end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. whispers to Ted Let's go.Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?Barney: It was, uh. 'Daddy's home.'Ted: Daddy's home?Barney: Yeah!Ted: Okay, you. you want us to go ov

37、er there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.Barney: Hmm. yeah, I think it's pretty solid.Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.The Limo 1.1

38、1EditMarshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president.Ted: You're not. Moby, are you?Not Moby/Erik: Who?Robin: The recording artist, Moby.Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?Not Mob

39、y/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.Ted: So your name's Tony?Not Moby/Erick: No.The Wedding 1.12EditMarshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal weddingMarshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I

40、win.Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with StuartLily: Claudia is getting married t

41、omorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?Lily:&#

42、160;thinks about it One of each!Drumroll, Please 1.13EditLily: to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?Ted: I had the most. amazing night ever.Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriou

43、sly, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake."V

44、ictoria: Why don't we just. dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.Ted: Unless-Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gr

45、ay, we'll look back on this moment. and it'll be perfect.Ted: Wow. Okay I'm in.Victoria: enthusiastically Okay!Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?Victoria: Um. you can call me Buttercup. Ted and "Buttercup" shake handsTed: Pleased to meet you, Butt

46、ercup. I'm. Lando Calrissian. Victoria laughs Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-Barney: with bridesmaid on his arm Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.Ted

47、: to Victoria So I'm Ted.Victoria: Victoria.Zip, Zip, Zip 1.14EditBarney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.Barney: in the laser tag arena Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!Robin: See you on the other side.Bo

48、th: Charging Yaahhhhh!Both got shotBarney: Damn! .You wanna get a soft pretzel?Robin: Yeah.Game Night 1.15EditVictoria: I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.Robin: Prude alert!Victoria: Well, two serious ones. Ive dated others in between.Robin: Slut alert!Victoria: I will tell

49、you my most humiliating story.Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate st

50、ories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.Marshall: staring goggle-eyed at Victoria That. is the greatest story. ever!Lily: Oh my God!Cupcake 1.16EditLily: Trying on wedding dresses Oh, this dress is totally

51、 going to get me laid on my wedding night.Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.Life Among the Gorillas 1.17EditBilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!Blauman: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!Marshall looks for a stain on his tieBarney: Marshall, sidebar. Yo

52、ur tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. Its 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.Mar

53、shall: I dont have a back door.Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Right, well, Im engaged.Blauman: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Were still engaged.Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a

54、 bus, what do you do, GO!Marshall: I want to give you the package.Lily: The package? Youve already given me the package. Youve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.Lily: Your package has always been big

55、 enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but youve got a huge package!Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishlyNothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. 1.18EditLittle girl: Do you have a fiancé?Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned

56、the word fiancé.Robin: Oh no, I dont have a fiancé.Little girl: Then who do you live with?Robin: Well, actually, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: Dont you get lonely?Robin: No, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.Robin: Well, yeah,

57、thats cats, Im not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady does anybody else have questions?Little boy: Are you a lesbian?Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. mumbles Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.Sandy Rivers: to Robin We should have sex.

58、Robin: What?Rivers: Why not? Were both available, were both attractive, were both good at it. At least Im good at it, and even if youre not, dont worry. Ill have a good time either way.Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I dont get involv

59、ed with people I work with.Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! he gives her his card and their news show starts Phone number, call me anytime. reads teleprompter A lot of teams in action tonight.Mary the Paralega

60、l 1.19EditBarney: To Ted Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, its the worlds oldest profession.Marshall: Do you really think thats true?Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest

61、 profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! Youve been lawyered!Mary: You know that scene in Empire when they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning?Best Prom Ever 1.20EditLily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!Lily: It's nine weeks 'til th