TED英語演講稿：解密愛情與出軌

Word文檔TED英語演講稿：解密愛情與出軌Idliketotalktodayaboutthetwobiggestsocialtrendsinthecomingcentury,andperhapsinthenext10,000years.ButIwanttostartwithmyworkonromanticlove,becausethatsmymostrecentwork.WhatIandmycolleaguesdidwasput32people,whoweremadlyinlove,intoafunctionalMRIbrainscanner.17whoweremadlyinloveandtheirlovewasaccepted;and15whoweremadlyinloveandtheyhadjustbeendumped.AndsoIwanttotellyouaboutthatfirst,andthengoonintowhereIthinkloveisgoing.

Whattistolove?Shakespearesaid.Ithinkourancestors--Ithinkhumanbeingshavebeenwonderingaboutthisquestionsincetheysataroundtheircampfiresorlayandwatchedthestarsamillionyearsago.Istartedoutbytryingtofigureoutwhatromanticlovewasbylookingatthelast45yearsofresearchon--justthepsychologicalresearch--andasitturnsout,theresaveryspecificgroupofthingsthathappenwhenyoufallinlove.ThefirstthingthathappensiswhatIcall--apersonbeginstotakeonwhatIcall,specialmeaning.Asatruckdriveroncesaidtome,hesaid,Theworldhadanewcenter,andthatcenterwasMaryAnne.

GeorgeBernardShawsaiditalittledifferently.Hesaid,Loveconsistsofoverestimatingthedifferencesbetweenonewomanandanother.Andindeed,thatswhatwedo.(Laughter)Andthenyoujustfocusonthisperson.Youcanlistwhatyoudontlikeaboutthem,butthenyousweepthatasideandfocusonwhatyoudo.AsChaucersaid,Loveisblind.

Intryingtounderstandromanticlove,IdecidedIwouldreadpoetryfromallovertheworld,andIjustwanttogiveyouoneveryshortpoemfromeighth-centuryChina,becauseitsanalmostperfectexampleofamanwhoisfocusedtotallyonaparticularwoman.Itsalittlebitlikewhenyouaremadlyinlovewithsomebodyandyouwalkintoaparkinglot--theircarisdifferentfromeveryothercarintheparkinglot.Theirwineglassatdinnerisdifferentfromeveryotherwineglassatthedinnerparty.Andinthiscase,amangothookedonabamboosleepingmat.

Anditgoeslikethis.ItsbyaguycalledYuanChen:Icannotbeartoputawaythebamboosleepingmat.ThenightIbroughtyouhome,Iwatchedyourollitout.Hebecamehookedonasleepingmat,probablybecauseofelevatedactivityofdopamineinhisbrain,justlikewithyouandme.Butanyway,notonlydoesthispersontakeonspecialmeaning,youfocusyourattentiononthem.Youaggrandizethem.Butyouhaveintenseenergy.AsonePolynesiansaid,hesaid,Ifeltlikejumpinginthesky.Youreupallnight.Yourewalkingtilldawn.Youfeelintenseelationwhenthingsaregoingwell;moodswingsintohorribledespairwhenthingsaregoingpoorly.Realdependenceonthisperson.AsonebusinessmaninNewYorksaidtome,hesaid,Anythingsheliked,Iliked.Simple.Romanticloveisverysimple.

Youbecomeextremelysexuallypossessive.Youknow,ifyourejustsleepingwithsomebodycasually,youdontreallycareiftheyresleepingwithsomebodyelse.Butthemomentyoufallinlove,youbecomeextremelysexuallypossessiveofthem.IthinkthatthatisaDarwinian--theresaDarwinianpurposetothis.Thewholepointofthisistopulltwopeopletogetherstronglyenoughtobegintorearbabiesasateam.

Butthemaincharacteristicsofromanticlovearecraving:anintensecravingtobewithaparticularperson,notjustsexually,butemotionally.Youdmuchrather--itwouldbenicetogotobedwiththem,butyouwantthemtocallyouonthetelephone,toinviteyouout,etc.,totellyouthattheyloveyou.Theothermaincharacteristicismotivation.Themotorinyourbrainbeginstocrank,andyouwantthisperson.

Andlastbutnotleast,itisanobsession.WhenIputthesepeopleinthemachine,beforeIputthemintheMRImachine,Iwouldaskthemallkindsofquestions.Butmymostimportantquestionwasalwaysthesame.Itwas:Whatpercentageofthedayandnightdoyouthinkaboutthisperson?Andindeed,theywouldsay,Allday.Allnight.Icanneverstopthinkingabouthimorher.

Andthen,theverylastquestionIwouldaskthem--Iwouldalwayshavetoworkmyselfuptothisquestion,becauseIamnotapsychologist.Idontworkwithpeopleinanykindoftraumaticsituation.Andmyfinalquestionwasalwaysthesame.Iwouldsay,Wouldyoudieforhimorher?And,indeed,thesepeoplewouldsayYes!asifIhadaskedthemtopassthesalt.Iwasjuststaggeredbyit.Sowescannedtheirbrains,lookingataphotographoftheirsweetheartandlookingataneutralphotograph,withadistractiontaskinbetween.Sowecouldlookatthesamebrainwhenitwasinthatheightenedstateandwhenitwasinarestingstate.Andwefoundactivityinalotofbrainregions.Infact,oneofthemostimportantwasabrainregionthatbecomesactivewhenyoufeeltherushofcocai.Andindeed,thatsexactlywhathappens.

Ibegantorealizethatromanticloveisnotanemotion.Infact,Ihadalwaysthoughtitwasaseriesofemotions,fromveryhightoverylow.Butactually,itsadrive.Itcomesfromthemotorofthemind,thewantingpartofthemind,thecravingpartofthemind.Thekindofmind--partofthemind--whenyourereachingforthatpieceofchocolate,whenyouwanttowinthatpromotionatwork.Themotorofthebrain.Itsadrive.

Andinfact,Ithinkitsmorepowerfulthanthesexdrive.Youknow,ifyouasksomebodytogotobedwithyou,andtheysay,No,thankyou,youcertainlydontkillyourselforslipintoaclinicaldepression.Butcertainly,aroundtheworld,peoplewhoarerejectedinlovewillkillforit.Peopleliveforlove.Theykillforlove.Theydieforlove.Theyhavesongs,poems,novels,sculptures,paintings,myths,legends.Inover175societies,peoplehavelefttheirevidenceofthispowerfulbrainsystem.Ihavecometothinkitsoneofthemostpowerfulbrainsystemsonearthforbothgreatjoyandgreatsorrow.

AndIvealsocometothinkthatitsoneofthreebasicallydifferentbrainsystemsthatevolvedfrommatingandreproduction.Oneisthesexdrive:thecravingforsexualgratification.W.H.Audencalleditanintolerableneuralitch,andindeed,thatswhatitis.Itkeepsbotheringyoualittlebit,likebeinghungry.Thesecondofthesethreebrainsystemsisromanticlove:thatelation,obsessionofearlylove.Andthethirdbrainsystemisattachment:thatsenseofcalmandsecurityyoucanfeelforalong-termpartner.

AndIthinkthatthesexdriveevolvedtogetyououtthere,lookingforawholerangeofpartners.Youknow,youcanfeelitwhenyourejustdrivingalonginyourcar.Itcanbefocusedonnobody.

Ithinkromanticloveevolvedtoenableyoutofocusyourmatingenergyonjustoneindividualatatime,therebyconservingmatingtimeandenergy.AndIthinkthatattachment,thethirdbrainsystem,evolvedtoenableyoutotoleratethishumanbeing--(Laughter)--atleastlongenoughtoraiseachildtogetherasateam.

Sowiththatpreamble,Iwanttogointodiscussingthetwomostprofoundsocialtrends.Oneofthelast10,000yearsandtheother,certainlyofthelast25years,thataregoingtohaveanimpactonthesethreedifferentbrainsystems:lust,romanticloveanddeepattachmenttoapartner.

Thefirstiswomenworking,movingintotheworkforce.Ivelookedat130societiesthroughthedemographicyearbooksoftheUnitedNations.Andeverywhereintheworld,129outof130ofthem,womenarenotonlymovingintothejobmarket--sometimesvery,veryslowly,buttheyaremovingintothejobmarket--andtheyareveryslowlyclosingthatgapbetweenmenandwomenintermsofeconomicpower,healthandeducation.Itsveryslow.

Foreverytrendonthisplanet,theresacounter-trend.Weallknowofthem,butnevertheless--theArabssay,Thedogsmaybark,butthecaravanmoveson.And,indeed,thatcaravanismovingon.Womenaremovingbackintothejobmarket.AndIsaybackintothejobmarket,becausethisisnotnew.Formillionsofyears,onthegrasslandsofAfrica,womencommutedtoworktogathertheirvegetables.Theycamehomewith60to80percentoftheeveningmeal.Thedoubleincomefamilywasthestandard.Andwomenwereregardedasjustaseconomically,sociallyandsexuallypowerfulasmen.Inshort,werereallymovingforwardtothepast.

Then,womensworstinventionwastheplow.Withthebeginningofplowagriculture,mensrolesbecameextremelypowerful.Womenlosttheirancientjobsascollectors,butthenwiththeindustrialrevolutionandthepost-industrialrevolutiontheyremovingbackintothejobmarket.Inshort,theyareacquiringthestatusthattheyhadamillionyearsago,10,000yearsago,100,000yearsago.Weareseeingnowoneofthemostremarkabletraditionsinthehistoryofthehumananimal.Anditsgoingtohaveanimpact.

Igenerallygiveawholelectureontheimpactofwomenonthebusinesscommunity.Illonlyjustsayacoupleofthings,andthengoontosexandlove.Theresalotofgenderdifferences;anybodywhothinksmenandwomenarealikesimplyneverhadaboyandagirlchild.Idontknowwhyitisthattheywanttothinkthatmenandwomenarealike.

Theresmuchwehaveincommon,buttheresawholelotthatwedonothaveincommon.Weare--inthewordsofTedHughes,Ithinkthatwewerebuilttobe--wereliketwofeet.Weneedeachothertogetahead.Butwedidnotevolvetohavethesamebrain.

Andwerefindingmoreandmoreandmoregenderdifferencesinthebrain.Illonlyjustuseacoupleandthenmoveontosexandlove.Oneofthemiswomensverbalability.Womencantalk.

Womensabilitytofindtherightwordrapidly,basicarticulationgoesupinthemiddleofthemenstrualcycle,whenestrogenlevelspeak.Butevenatmenstruation,theyrebetterthantheaverageman.Womencantalk.Theyvebeendoingitforamillionyears;wordswerewomenstools.Theyheldthatbabyinfrontoftheirface,cajolingit,reprimandingit,educatingitwithwords.And,indeed,theyrebecomingaverypowerfulforce.

EveninplaceslikeIndiaandJapan,wherewomenarenotmovingrapidlyintotheregularjobmarket,theyremovingintojournalism.AndIthinkthatthetelevisionisliketheglobalcampfire.Wesitarounditanditshapesourminds.Almostalways,whenImonTV,theproducerswhocallme,whonegotiatewhatweregoingtosay,isawoman.Infact,Solzhenitsynoncesaid,Tohaveagreatwriteristohaveanothergovernment.

Today54percentofpeoplewhoarewritersinAmericaarewomen.Itsoneofmany,manycharacteristicsthatwomenhavethattheywillbringintothejobmarket.Theyvegotincrediblepeopleskills,negotiatingskills.Theyrehighlyimaginative.Wenowknowthebraincircuitryofimagination,oflong-termplanning.Theytendtobewebthinkers.

Becausethefemalepartsofthebrainarebetterconnected,theytendtocollectmorepiecesofdatawhentheythink,putthemintomorecomplexpatterns,seemoreoptionsandoutcomes.Theytendtobecontextual,holisticthinkers,whatIcallwebthinkers.

Mentendto--andtheseareaverages--tendtogetridofwhattheyregardasextraneous,focusonwhattheydo,andmoveinamorestep-by-stepthinkingpattern.Theyrebothperfectlygoodwaysofthinking.Weneedbothofthemtogetahead.Infact,theresmanymoremalegeniusesintheworld.Whenthe--andtheresalsomanymoremaleidiotsintheworld.(Laughter)Whenthemalebrainworkswell,itworksextremelywell.AndwhatIreallythinkthatweredoingis,weremovingtowardsacollaborativesociety,asocietyinwhichthetalentsofbothmenandwomenarebecomingunderstoodandvaluedandemployed.

Butinfact,womenmovingintothejobmarketishavingahugeimpactonsexandromanceandfamilylife.Foremost,womenarestartingtoexpresstheirsexuality.Imalwaysastonishedwhenpeoplecometomeandsay,Whyisitthatmenaresoadulterous?AndIsay,Whydoyouthinkmoremenareadulterousthanwomen?Oh,well--menaremoreadulterous!AndIsay,Whodoyouthinkthesemenaresleepingwith?And--basicmath!(Laughter)

Anyway.IntheWesternworld,womenstartsooneratsex,havemorepartners,expresslessremorseforthepartnersthattheydo,marrylater,havefewerchildren,leavebadmarriagesinordertogetgoodones.Weareseeingtheriseoffemalesexualexpression.And,indeed,onceagainweremovingforwardtothekindofsexualexpressionthatweprobablysawonthegrasslandsofAfricaamillionyearsago,becausethisisthekindofsexualexpressionthatweseeinhuntingandgatheringsocietiestoday.

Werealsoreturningtoanancientformofmarriageequality.Theyrenowsayingthatthe21stcenturyisgoingtobethecenturyofwhattheycallthesymmetricalmarriage,orthepuremarriage,orthecompanionatemarriage.Thisisamarriagebetweenequals,movingforwardtoapatternthatishighlycompatiblewiththeancienthumanspirit.

Werealsoseeingariseofromanticlove.91percentofAmericanwomenand86percentofAmericanmenwouldnotmarrysomebodywhohadeverysinglequalitytheywerelookingforinapartner,iftheywerenotinlovewiththatperson.Peoplearoundtheworld,inastudyof37societies,wanttobeinlovewiththepersonthattheymarry.Indeed,arrangedmarriagesareontheirwayoffthisbraidofhumanlife.

Ieventhinkthatmarriagesmightevenbecomemorestablebecauseofthesecondgreatworldtrend.Thefirstonebeingwomenmovingintothejobmarket,thesecondonebeingtheagingworldpopulation.TheyrenowsayingthatinAmerica,thatmiddleageshouldberegardedasuptoage85.Becauseinthathighestagecategoryof76to85,asmuchas40percentofpeoplehavenothingreallywrongwiththem.Sowereseeingtheresarealextensionofmiddleage.

AndIlooked--foroneofmybooks,Ilookedatdivorcedatain58societies.Andasitturnsout,theolderyouget,thelesslikelyyouaretodivorce.SothedivorceraterightnowisstableinAmerica,anditsactuallybeginningtodecline.Itmaydeclinesomemore.IwouldevensaythatwithViagra,estrogenreplacement,hipreplacementsandtheincrediblyinterestingwomen--womenhaveneverbeenasinterestingastheyarenow.Notatanytimeonthisplanethavewomenbeensoeducated,sointeresting,socapable.

AndsoIhonestlythinkthatiftherereallywaseveratimeinhumanevolutionwhenwehavetheopportunitytomakegoodmarriages,thattimeisnow.However,theresalwayskindsofcomplicationsinthis.Inthesethreebrainsystems:lust,romanticloveandattachment--dontalwaysgotogether.Theycangotogether,bytheway.Thatswhycasualsexisntsocasual.Withorgasmyougetaspikeofdopamine.Dopaminesassociatedwithromanticlove,andyoucanjustfallinlovewithsomebodywhoyourejusthavingcasualsexwith.Withorgasm,thenyougetarealrushofoxytocinandvasopressin--thoseareassociatedwithattachment.Thisiswhyyoucanfeelsuchasenseofcosmicunionwithsomebodyafteryouvemadelovetothem.

Butthesethreebrainsystems:lust,romanticloveandattachment,arentalwaysconnectedtoeachother.Youcanfeeldeepattachmenttoalong-termpartnerwhileyoufeelintenseromanticloveforsomebodyelse,whileyoufeelthesexdriveforpeopleunrelatedtotheseotherpartners.Inshort,werecapableoflovingmorethanonepersonatatime.Infact,youcanlieinbedatnightandswingfromdeepfeelingsofattachmentforonepersontodeepfeelingsofromanticloveforsomebodyelse.Itsasiftheresacommitteemeetinggoingoninyourheadasyouaretryingtodecidewhattodo.SoIdontthink,honestly,wereananimalthatwasbuilttobehappy;weareananimalthatwasbuilttoreproduce.Ithinkthehappinesswefind,wemake.AndIthink,however,wecanmakegoodrelationshipswitheachother.

SoIwanttoconcludewithtwothings.Iwanttoconcludewithaworry--Ihaveaworry--andwithawonderfulstory.Theworryisaboutantidepressants.Over100millionprescriptionsofantidepressantsarewritteneveryyearintheUnitedStates.Andthesedrugsaregoinggeneric.Theyareseepingaroundtheworld.Iknowonegirlwhosbeenontheseantidepressants,serotonin-enhancing--SSRI,serotonin-enhancingantidepressants--sinceshewas13.Shes23.

Shesbeenonthemeversinceshewas13.

Ivegotnothingagainstpeoplewhotakethemshortterm,whentheyregoingthroughsomethingperfectlyhorrible.Theywanttocommitsuicideorkillsomebodyelse.Iwouldrecommendit.ButmoreandmorepeopleintheUnitedStatesaretakingthemlongterm.Andindeed,whatthesedrugsdoisraiselevelsofserotonin.Andbyraisinglevelsofserotonin,yousuppressthedopaminecircuit.Everybodyknowsthat.Dopamineisassociatedwithromanticlove.Notonlydotheysuppressthedopaminecircuit,buttheykillthesexdrive.Andwhenyoukillthesexdrive,youkillorgasm.Andwhenyoukillorgasm,youkillthatfloodofdrugsassociatedwithattachment.Thethingsareconnectedinthebrain.Andwhenyoutamperwithonebrainsystem,youregoingtotamperwithanother.Imjustsimplysayingthataworldwithoutloveisadeadlyplace.

Sonow--(Applause)--thankyou.Iwanttoendwithastory.Andthen,justacomment.Ivebeenstudyingromanticloveandsexandattachmentfor30years.Imanidenticaltwin;Iaminterestedinwhywereallalike.WhyyouandIarealike,whytheIraqisandtheJapaneseandtheAustralianAboriginesandthepeopleoftheAmazonRiverareallalike.

Andaboutayearago,anInternetdatingservice,M,cametomeandaskedmeifIwoulddesignanewdatingsiteforthem.Isaid,Idontknowanythingaboutpersonality.Youknow?Idontknow.Doyouthinkyouvegottherightperson?Theysaid,Yes.Itgotmethinkingaboutwhyitisthatyoufallinlovewithonepersonratherthananother.

Thatsmycurrentproject;itwillbemynextbook.Theresallkindsofreasonsthatyoufallinlovewithonepersonratherthananother.Timingisimportant.Proximityisimportant.Mysteryisimportant.Youfallinlovewithsomebodywhossomewhatmysterious,inpartbecausemysteryelevatesdopamineinthebrain,probablypushesyouoverthatthresholdtofallinlove.YoufallinlovewithsomebodywhofitswithinwhatIcallyourlovemap,anunconsciouslistoftraitsthatyoubuildinchildhoodasyougrowup.

AndIalsothinkthatyougravitatetocertainpeople,actually,withsomewhatcomplementarybrainsystems.AndthatswhatImnowcontributingtothis.

ButIwanttotellyouastoryabout--toillustrate.Ivebeencarryingonhereaboutthebiologyoflove.Iwantedtoshowyoualittlebitaboutthecultureofit,too--themagicofit.Itsastorythatwastoldtomebysomebodywhohadhearditjustfromoneofthe--probablyatruestory.Itwasagraduatestudentat--ImatRutgersandmytwocolleagues--ArtAronisatSUNYStonyBrook.ThatswhereweputourpeopleintheMRImachine.

Andthisgraduatestudentwasmadlyinlovewithanothergraduatestudent,andshewasnotinlovewithhim.AndtheywereallataconferenceinBeijing.Andheknewfromourworkthatifyougoanddosomethingverynovelwithsomebody,youcandriveupthedopamineinthebrain,andperhapstriggerthisbrainsystemforromanticlove.(Laughter)Sohedecidedhedputsciencetowork,andheinvitedthisgirltogooffonarickshawridewithhim.

Andsureenough--Iveneverbeeninone,butapparentlytheygoallaroundthebusesandthetrucksanditscrazyanditsnoisyanditsexciting.Andhefiguredthatthiswoulddriveupthedopamine,andshewouldfallinlovewithhim.Soofftheygoandshessquealingandsqueezinghimandlaughingandhavingawonderfultime.Anhourlatertheygetdownoffoftherickshaw,andshethrowsherhandsupandshesays,Wasntthatwonderful?And,Wasntthatrickshawdriverhandsome!(Laughter)(Applause)

Theresmagictolove!ButIwillendbysayingthatmillionsofyearsago,weevolvedthreebasicdrives:thesexdrive,romanticloveandattachmenttoalong-termpartner.Thesecircuitsaredeeplyembeddedinthehumanbrain.TheyregoingtosurviveaslongasourspeciessurvivesonwhatShakespearecalledthismortalcoil.Thankyou.(Applause)

我認(rèn)為它是從最初的交配和繁殖進(jìn)展而來的最基本的三種不同的大腦組織。其中一種是性欲：對性的一種渴望。W.H.Auden稱之為：不能忍受的神經(jīng)性沖動的確，它就是那樣的。它總是不停的煩擾著你，就像饑餓一樣。其次個就是浪漫的愛情：那種讓人歡欣鼓舞，使人癡迷的情竇初開。那第三種就是依靠那是一種從長期伴侶那里才能體會到的安靜和平安。

我認(rèn)為就是對性的渴望使你走出去從人群中查找伴侶你知道，在你開車的時候你可以感覺到它它會使人魂不守舍而浪漫愛情會使你專注只與一個人發(fā)生關(guān)系因此你儲蓄著交配的能量，等待著時機(jī)而第三種大腦系統(tǒng)：依靠則進(jìn)展成使你能夠?qū)λ?她很忍耐(笑聲)。這種寬容至少可以幫你撐過撫養(yǎng)小孩的這段時間。

開場白之后，我要爭論兩個最顯著的社會趨勢。其中一個產(chǎn)生于1002022年前，另一個則是25年前，這兩種趨勢都對性欲，愛情，和依靠這三種不同的腦系統(tǒng)產(chǎn)生過影響。

第一個階段就是女人開頭工作，成為勞動力的一部分。我查過聯(lián)合國的世界人口統(tǒng)計年鑒中的130-150個國家發(fā)覺130個中有129個國家的女性在進(jìn)入勞動市場過程可能比較緩慢的，但這個趨勢確定無疑男性與女性之間經(jīng)濟(jì)力量，健康和教育方面的距離