TED演講：如何成為一個(gè)更好的交談?wù)?？（中英文?duì)照）

格魯吉亞公共廣播節(jié)目主持人:CelesteHeadlee首先,我想讓大家舉手示意一下,有多少人曾經(jīng)在Facebook上拉黑過好友,因?yàn)樗麄儼l(fā)表過關(guān)于政治,宗教,兒童權(quán)益,或者食物等不恰當(dāng)?shù)难哉?有多少人至少有一個(gè)不想見的人,因?yàn)槟憔褪遣幌牒蛯?duì)方說話?Allright,IwanttoseeashowofhandshowmanyofyouhaveunfriendedsomeoneonFacebookbecausetheysaidsomethingoffensiveaboutpoliticsorreligion,childcare,food?Andhowmanyofyouknowatleastonepersonthatyouavoidbecauseyoujustdon’twanttotalktothem?要知道,在過去想要一段禮貌的交談我們只要遵循亨利·希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告,只談?wù)撎鞖夂湍愕慕】禒顩r就行了。但這些年隨著氣候變化以及反對(duì)疫苗運(yùn)動(dòng)的開展——這招不怎么管用了。因此,在我們生活的這個(gè)世界,這個(gè)每一次交談都有可能發(fā)展為爭(zhēng)論的世界,政客無法彼此交談。甚至為那些雞毛蒜皮的事情,都有人群情緒激昂地贊成或者反對(duì),這太不正常了。皮尤研究中心對(duì)一萬名美國成年人做了一次調(diào)查,發(fā)現(xiàn)此刻我們的偏激程度,我們立場(chǎng)鮮明的程度,比歷史上任何時(shí)期都要高。Youknow,itusedtobethatinordertohaveapoliteconversation,wejusthadtofollowtheadviceofHenryHigginsin“MyFairLady”:Sticktotheweatherandyourhealth.Butthesedays,withclimatechangeandantivaxxing,thosesubjects—arenotsafeeither.Sothisworldthatwelivein,thisworldinwhicheveryconversationhasthepotentialtodevolveintoanargument,whereourpoliticianscan’tspeaktooneanother,andwhereeventhemosttrivialofissueshavesomeonefightingbothpassionatelyforitandagainstit,it’snotnormal.PewResearchdidastudyof10,000Americanadults,andtheyfoundthatatthismoment,wearemorepolarized;wearemoredividedthanweeverhavebeeninhistory.我們更不傾向于妥協(xié),這意味著我們沒有傾聽彼此。我們做的各種決定,選擇生活在何處,與誰結(jié)婚甚至和誰交朋友,都只基于我們已有的信念。再重復(fù)一遍,這只說明我們沒有傾訴彼此。交談需要平靜講述和傾聽,而不知怎么的,我們卻偏偏失去了這種平衡。技術(shù)進(jìn)步是部分原因,比如智能,現(xiàn)在就在你們手里,或者就在旁邊,隨手就能拿到。Wearelesslikelytopromise,whichmeanswe’renotlisteningtoeachother.Andwemakedecisionsaboutwheretolive,whotomarryandevenwhoourfriendsaregoingtobebasedonwhatwealreadybelieve.Again,thatmeanswe’renotlisteningtoeachother.Aconversationrequiresabalancebetweentalkingandlisting,andsomewherealongtheway,welostthatbalance.Now,partofthatisduetotechnology.Thesmartphonesthatyoualleitherhaveinyourhandsorcloseenoughthatyoucouldgrabthemreallyquickly.根據(jù)皮尤的研究,大約三分之一的美國青少年每天發(fā)送超過一百條短信。而這中間很多人,幾乎是所有人,更傾向于給朋友發(fā)短信,而不是面對(duì)面的交談?！洞笪餮蟆冯s志等過一篇很棒的文章,作者是高中教室保羅·巴恩維爾。他給自己的學(xué)生一項(xiàng)交流任務(wù),希望教會(huì)他們?nèi)绾尾唤柚P記針對(duì)某一話題發(fā)表演講。然后他說:“我開始意識(shí)到…我開始意識(shí)到交流能力,可能是最被我們忽視的,沒有好好教授的技能。孩子每天花費(fèi)數(shù)小時(shí)通過屏幕接觸創(chuàng)意和其他伙伴,但很少有機(jī)會(huì)去發(fā)覺自己的人際交往技能?！边@聽起來很好笑,但我們必須問問自己:“21世紀(jì),有什么技能會(huì)比維持一段連貫、自信的談話更為重要?”AccordingtothePewResearch,AboutathirdofAmericanteenagerssendmorethanahundredtextsaday.Andmanyofthem,almostmostofthem,aremorelikelytotexttheirfriendsthantheyaretotalktothemfacetoface.There’sthisgreatpieceinTheAtlantic.ItwaswrittenbyahighschoolteachernamedPaulBarnwell.Andhegavehiskidsamunicationproject.Hewantedtoteachthemhowtospeakonaspecificsubjectwithoutusingnotes.Andhesaidthis:”Icametorealize…”“Icametorealizethatconversationalpetencemightbethesinglemostoverlookedskillwefailtoteach.Kidsspendhourseachdayengagingwithideasandeachotherthroughscreens,butrarelydotheyhaveanopportunitytohonetheirinterpersonalmunicationsskills.Itmightsoundlikeafunnyquestion,butwehavetoaskourselves.Isthereany21stcenturyskillmoreimportantthanbeingabletosustaincoherent,confidentconversation?”現(xiàn)在,我的職業(yè)就是跟別人談話。諾貝爾獎(jiǎng)獲得者、卡車司機(jī)、億萬富翁、幼兒園老師、州長(zhǎng)、水管工。我和我喜歡的人交談,也和我不喜歡的人交談。我和在個(gè)人層面非常不同的人交談。但我仍舊和他們有很好的交流。所以,我希望接下來的10分鐘教你們?nèi)绾握勗?以及如何傾聽。你們中間很多人以及聽過無數(shù)建議,比如看著對(duì)方的眼睛,提前想好可以討論的有趣話題,注視,點(diǎn)頭并且微笑來表明你的專注,重復(fù)你剛才聽到的,或者做總結(jié)。我想讓你們忘掉所有這些,全部沒用。根本沒有必要去學(xué)習(xí)如何表現(xiàn)你的很專心,如果你確實(shí)很專心。我其實(shí)是把作為職業(yè)訪談?wù)咭荒Ｒ粯拥募记?用在了日常生活中。Now,Imakemylivingtalkingtopeople:NobelPrizewinners,truckdrivers,billionaires,kindergartenteachers,headsofstate,plumbers.ItalktopeoplethatIlike.ItalktopeoplethatIdon’tlike.ItalktosomepeoplethatIdisagreewithdeeplyonapersonallevel.ButIstillhaveagreatconversationwiththem.SoI’dliketospendthenext10minutesorsoteachingyouhowtotalkandhowtolisten.Manyofyouhavealreadyheardalotofadviceonthis,thingslikelookthepersonintheeye,thingsofinterestingtopicstodiscussinadvance,look,nodandsmiletoshowthatyou’repayingattention,repeatbackwhatyoujustheardorsummarizeit.SoIwantyoutoforgetallofthat.Itiscrap.Thereisnoreasontolearnhowtoshowyou’repayingattention,ifyouareinfactpayingattention.Now,IactuallyusetheexactsameskillsasaprofessionalinterviewerthatIdoinregularlife.好,我要來教你們?nèi)绾尾稍L他人,這其實(shí)會(huì)幫助你們學(xué)習(xí)如何成為更好的溝通者。學(xué)習(xí)開始一段交談,不浪費(fèi)時(shí)間,不感到無聊,以及最重要的是,不冒犯任何人。我們都曾有過很棒的交談。我們?cè)羞^,我們知道那是什么感覺,那種結(jié)束之后令你感到很享受,很受鼓舞的交談,或者令你覺得你和別人建立了真實(shí)的連接,或者讓你完全得到了他人的理解。沒有理由說,你大部分人際互動(dòng)不能成為那樣,我有10條基本規(guī)則,我會(huì)一條條給你們解釋,但說真的,如果你選擇一條并且熟練掌握,你就已經(jīng)可以享受更愉快的交談了。So,I’mgoingtoteachyouhowtointerviewpeople,andthat’sactuallygoingtohelpyoulearnhowtobebetterconversationalists.Learntohaveaconversationwithoutwastingyourtime,withoutgettingbored,and,pleaseGod,withoutoffendinganybody.We’veallhadreallygreatconversations.We’vehadthembefore.Weknowwhatit’slike.Thekindofconversationwhereyouwalkawayfeelingengagedandinspired,orwhereyoufeellikeyou’vemadearealconnectionoryou’vebeenperfectlyunderstood.Thereisnoreasonwhymostofyourinteractionscan’tbelikethat.SoIhave10basicrules.I’mgoingtowalkyouthroughallofthem,buthonestly,ifyoujustchooseoneofthemandmasterit,you’llalreadyenjoybetterconversations.第一條:不要三心二意。我不是說單純放下你的、平板電腦、車鑰匙,或者隨便什么握在手里的東西。我的意思是,處在當(dāng)下。進(jìn)入那個(gè)情境中去。不要想著你之前和老板的爭(zhēng)吵。不要想著你晚飯吃什么。如果你想退出交談,就退出交談,但不要身在曹營心在漢。Numberone:Don'tmultitask.AndIdon'tmeanjustsetdownyourcellphoneoryourtabletoryourcarkeysorwhateverisinyourhand.Imean,bepresent.Beinthatmoment.Don'tthinkaboutyourargumentyouhadwithyourboss.Don'tthinkaboutwhatyou'regoingtohavefordinner.Ifyouwanttogetoutoftheconversation,getoutoftheconversation,butdon'tbehalfinitandhalfoutofit.第二條:不要好為人師。如果你想要表達(dá)自己的看法,又不想留下任何機(jī)會(huì)讓人回應(yīng)、爭(zhēng)論、反駁或闡發(fā),寫博客去。有個(gè)很好的理由來說明我的談話里為什么不允許有“專家說教”:因?yàn)檎娴暮軣o聊。如果對(duì)方是個(gè)保守派,那一定討厭奧巴馬、食品券和墮胎。如果對(duì)方是個(gè)自由派,那一定會(huì)討厭大銀行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。完全可以預(yù)測(cè)的。你肯定不希望那樣。你需要在進(jìn)入每一次交流時(shí)都假定自己可以學(xué)習(xí)到一些東西。著名的治療師M.斯科特·派克說過,真正的傾聽需要把自己放在一邊。有時(shí)候,這意味著把你的個(gè)人觀點(diǎn)放在一邊。他說感受到這種接納,說話的人會(huì)變得越來越不脆弱敏感,因而越來越有可能打開自己的內(nèi)心世界,呈現(xiàn)給傾聽者。再強(qiáng)調(diào)一遍,假定你需要學(xué)習(xí)新東西。比爾·奈伊說:“每一個(gè)你將要見到的人都有你不知道的東西。”我來復(fù)述一下:每個(gè)人都是某方面的專家。Numbertwo:Don'tpontificate.Ifyouwanttostateyouropinionwithoutanyopportunityforresponseorargumentorpushbackorgrowth,writeablog.Now,there'sareallygoodreasonwhyIdon'tallowpunditsonmyshow:Becausethey'rereallyboring.Ifthey'reconservative,they'regoingtohateObamaandfoodstampsandabortion.Ifthey’reliberal,they'regoingtohatebigbanksandoilcorporationsandDickCheney.Totallypredictable.Andyoudon'twanttobelikethat.Youneedtoentereveryconversationassumingthatyouhavesomethingtolearn.ThefamedtherapistM.ScottPecksaidthattruelisteningrequiresasettingasideofoneself.Andsometimesthatmeanssettingasideyourpersonalopinion.Hesaidthatsensingthisacceptance,thespeakerwillbeelessandlessvulnerableandmoreandmorelikelytoopenuptheinnerrecessesofhisorhermindtothelistener.Again,assumethatyouhavesomethingtolearn.BillNye:'Everyoneyouwillevermeetknowssomethingthatyoudon't.'Iputitthisway:Everybodyisanexpertinsomething.第三條:使用開放式問題。關(guān)于這一點(diǎn),請(qǐng)參考記者采訪的提問方式。以“誰”、“什么”、“何時(shí)”、“何地”、“為什么”或“如何”開始提問。如果你詢問一個(gè)復(fù)雜的問題將會(huì)得到一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的回答。如果我問你:“你當(dāng)時(shí)恐懼嗎?”你會(huì)回應(yīng)那句話中最有力的詞,即“恐懼”,而答案將是“是的”或者“不是”?！澳惝?dāng)時(shí)氣憤嗎?”“是的,我當(dāng)時(shí)氣得很?！弊寣?duì)方去描述,對(duì)方才是了解情境的人。試著這樣問對(duì)方:“那是什么樣子?”,“你感覺怎么樣?”因?yàn)檫@樣一來,對(duì)方可能需要停下來想一想,而你會(huì)得到更有意思的回答。Numberthree:Useopenendedquestions.Inthiscase,takeacuefromjournalists.Startyourquestionswithwho,what,when,where,whyorhow.Ifyouputinaplicatedquestion,you’regoingtogetasimpleanswerout.IfIaskyou'Wereyouterrified?'you'regoingtorespondtothemostpowerfulwordinthatsentence,whichis'terrifiedandtheansweris'Yes,Iwas'or'No,Iwasn’t.''Wereyouangry?''Yes,Iwasveryangry.'Letthemdescribeit.They'retheonesthatknow.Tryaskingthemthingslike,'Whatwasthatlike?''Howdidthatfeel?'Becausethentheymighthavetostopforamomentandthinkaboutit,andyou'regoingtogetamuchmoreinterestingresponse.第四條:順其自然。也就是說,想法會(huì)自然流入你的頭腦,而你需要將它們表達(dá)出來。我們常聽到采訪中嘉賓說了幾分鐘,然后主持人回過來問問題,這問題好像不知道從何而來或者已經(jīng)被回答過了。這說明主持人可能兩分鐘前就沒在聽,因?yàn)樗氲搅诉@個(gè)非常機(jī)智的問題,于是就心心念念想著問這個(gè)問題。我們同樣也會(huì)這么干。當(dāng)我們和某人坐在一起交談時(shí),我們突然想起那次和休·杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。Numberfour:Gowiththeflow.Thatmeansthoughtswilleintoyourmindandyouneedtoletthemgooutofyourmind.We'veheardinterviewsofteninwhichaguestistalkingforseveralminutesandthenthehostesbackinandasksaquestionwhichseemslikeitesoutofnowhere,orit'salreadybeenanswered.Thatmeansthehostprobablystoppedlisteningtwominutesagobecausehethoughtofthisreallycleverquestion,andhewasjustboundanddeterminedtosaythat.Andwedotheexactsamething.We'resittingtherehavingaconversationwithsomeone,andthenwerememberthattimethatwemetHughJackmaninacoffeeshop.第五條:如果你不知道,就說你不知道。廣播節(jié)目里的人,尤其在全國公共廣播電臺(tái)(NPR)中,非常明白他們的談話會(huì)被播放出去。所以他們對(duì)自己聲稱專業(yè)的地方以及言之鑿鑿的東西會(huì)更加小心。要學(xué)著這樣做,謹(jǐn)言慎行,談話應(yīng)該是負(fù)責(zé)任的行為。Numberfive:Ifyoudon'tknow,saythatyoudon'tknow.Now,peopleontheradio,especiallyonNPR,aremuchmoreawarethatthey'regoingontherecord,andsothey'remorecarefulaboutwhattheyclaimtobeanexpertinandwhattheyclaimtoknowforsure.Dothat.Erronthesideofcaution.Talkshouldnotbecheap.第六條:不要把自己的經(jīng)歷和他人比較。如果對(duì)方談?wù)撌チ思胰?不要就勢(shì)開始說你失去家人的事情。如果對(duì)方在說工作上的困擾,不要告訴他們你多么討厭你的工作。這不一樣的,永遠(yuǎn)不可能一樣。任何經(jīng)歷都是獨(dú)一無二的。而且,更重要的是,這不是在談?wù)撃愕氖隆Ｄ悴恍枰诖丝套C明你多么能干,或者你經(jīng)受了多少痛苦。有人曾問史蒂芬·霍金他的智商是多少,他回答道:“我不知道。拿智商吹牛的人都是屌絲?！盢umbersix:Don’tequateyourexperiencewiththeirs.Ifthey'retalkingabouthavinglostafamilymember,don'tstarttalkingaboutthetimeyoulostafamilymember.Ifthey'retalkingaboutthetroublethey'rehavingatwork,don'ttellthemabouthowmuchyouhateyourjob.It'snotthesame.Itisneverthesame.Allexperiencesareindividual.And,moreimportantly,itisnotaboutyou.Youdon’tneedtotakethatmomenttoprovehowamazingyouareorhowmuchyou’vesuffered.SomebodyaskedStephenHawkingoncewhathisIQwas,andhesaid,'Ihavenoidea.PeoplewhobragabouttheirIQsarelosers.'第七條:盡量別重復(fù)自己的話。這很咄咄逼人,也很無聊。但我們很容易這樣做。尤其是在工作交談中,或者和孩子的交談中。我們想聲明一個(gè)觀點(diǎn),于是換著方式不停地說,別這樣。Numberseven:Trynottorepeatyourself.It'scondescending,andit'sreallyboring,andwetendtodoitalot.Especiallyinworkconversationsorinconversationswithourkids,wehaveapointtomake,sowejustkeeprephrasingitoverandover.Don'tdothat.第八條:少說廢話。說白了,沒人在乎那些年份、名字、日期等等這些你努力試圖在腦中回想的種種細(xì)節(jié),別人不在乎,他們關(guān)注的是你,對(duì)方關(guān)心你是什么樣的人,和你有什么共同點(diǎn)。所以忘掉細(xì)節(jié)吧,別管它們。Numbereight:Stayoutoftheweeds.Frankly,peopledon'tcareabouttheyears,thenames,thedates,allthosedetailsthatyou'restrugglingtoeupwithinyourmind.Theydon'tcare.Whattheycareaboutisyou.Theycareaboutwhatyou'relike,whatyouhaveinmon.Soforgetthedetails.Leavethemout.第九條:這不是最后一條,但是最重要的一條。認(rèn)真傾聽。我說不上來到底有多少重要人士都說過傾聽可能是最重要的,第一重要的你可以提升的技能。佛曰——我轉(zhuǎn)述一下,“如果你嘴不停,你就學(xué)不到東西。”卡爾文·柯立芝曾說:“從沒有人是因?yàn)槁犔喽婚_除的。”Numbernine:Thisisnotthelastone,butitisthemostimportantone.Listen.Icannottellyouhowmanyreallyimportantpeoplehavesaidthatlisteningisperhapsthemost,thenumberonemostimportantskillthatyoucoulddevelop.Buddhasaid,andI'mparaphrasing,'Ifyourmouthisopen,you’renotlearning.'AndCalvinCoolidgesaid,'Nomaneverlistenedhiswayoutofajob.'第十條:簡(jiǎn)明扼要?！昂玫慕徽劸拖袂〉胶锰幍拿阅闳?足夠短,能夠吸引人,又足夠長(zhǎng),能夠包納(蓋住)主體——我妹妹的比喻”,所有這些都濃縮成同一個(gè)概念,那就是:對(duì)他人產(chǎn)生興趣。我在一個(gè)名人外公身邊長(zhǎng)大,我家里賓客絡(luò)繹不絕。訪客會(huì)前來和我的外祖父母交談,而那些人離開后,我母親會(huì)過來對(duì)我們說:“你們知道那是誰嗎?她是美國小姐的亞軍。他是薩克拉門托市長(zhǎng)。她拿過普利策獎(jiǎng)。他是俄羅斯芭蕾舞蹈家?！蔽以诔砷L(zhǎng)中默認(rèn)了每個(gè)人都有不為人知的精彩。說真的,我想是這一切讓我成為了更好的主持人。我盡量少說話,但開放自己的思想,永遠(yuǎn)準(zhǔn)備著大吃一驚,而我從不會(huì)感到失望。你們也可以這樣。走出門去,和別人交談,聽別人說,以及最重要的,準(zhǔn)備好大吃一驚。Onemorerule,number10,andit'sthisone:Be