高中英語作文點(diǎn)評：No-Pains--No-Gains

1、精品資料歡迎下載高中英語作文點(diǎn)評： No Pains, No Gains高中英語作文點(diǎn)評：No Pains, No Gains高州中學(xué)梁冠華在最近的一次作文訓(xùn)練中，我讓學(xué)生寫了下面的一篇作文：請以“No pains, Nogains ”為題寫一篇作文。寫作提示：解釋諺語；舉例說明；結(jié)論。詞數(shù)：150250。學(xué)生的習(xí)作如下：No Pains, No GainsAs we allknow, “no pains,no gains ” isan influentialproverbstressingthe importance of hard working. It tells us that onl

2、y by working hard can weachieveour goals, and on the contrary, theone who islazy will never gainthethings he wants.Li Yundi is a famous pianist in the world. Most of us are amazed at hisperfect performance, but few of us know how much time and energy he has spentin practising. He started playing the

3、 piano when he was only 5 years old. Henever gave up practising even though he met difficulties. When other childrenat the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing thepiano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music. He also took part in manycompetitionsto improve his skills.

4、Finally,he became world-famouswhen he wonthe champion in Chopin International Piano Competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world. And he is the first Chinese pianist to receive such a great honour.Li Yundi would never become so successful if he didnt practise so hard.A

5、nd we wouldntgain what we want ifwe didn t work hard. Nopains, no gains.(209 words)這是一篇好作文，好在哪里？在高中階段，作文是好還是不好，評判標(biāo)準(zhǔn)是這篇文章在考試中是否能拿高分。在高考中，作文是否能獲得高分，主要看兩方面：一是語言，二是內(nèi)容。一、首先，我們看看這篇作文在語言表達(dá)方面的情況：1 、句子無錯(cuò)誤精品資料歡迎下載通觀整篇文章，句子沒有錯(cuò)誤，或者說評卷老師在幾十秒內(nèi)很難找出錯(cuò)誤。避免語法和拼寫的低級錯(cuò)誤，避免被扣印象分，是學(xué)生在寫作文時(shí)要做的首要事情。語言表達(dá)無錯(cuò)誤是作文拿高分的前提，是好文章的基本標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。

6、2 、使用了較多的復(fù)合句這篇文章用了12 個(gè)從句，從而構(gòu)成了大量的復(fù)合句：(1)As we all know, “no pains, no gains ” is an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working.(2)It tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals.(3) the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.(4) few of us know how much t

7、ime and energy he has spent in practising.(5)He started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old.(6)He never gave up practising even though he met difficulties.(7)When other children at the same age were playing games outside orwatching TV, he was playing the piano(8)Finally, he became world-f

8、amous when he won the champion in Chopin International Piano Competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world.(9)LiYundi would never become so successfulifhe didn t practiseso hard.(10) And we wouldnt gain what we want if we didnt work hard.整篇文章共有 13 個(gè)句子，學(xué)生用了 12 個(gè)從句，表現(xiàn)出運(yùn)用語

9、言的高水平。高考評卷老師有一個(gè)默認(rèn)的傾向，給比較多地恰當(dāng)?shù)剡\(yùn)用主從復(fù)合句的文章打高分。3 、句式多種多樣(1) 有 9 個(gè)詞的簡單句短句： Li Yundi is a famous pianist in the world.(2) 有 25 個(gè)詞的復(fù)合句長句： Whenother children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music.(3)有分詞短語結(jié)構(gòu)：.an influentia

10、l proverbstressingthe importanceof精品資料歡迎下載hard working./ When other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautifulmusic.(4)有動(dòng)名詞結(jié)構(gòu)： He startedplayingthe piano when he was only5 yearsold./He never gave up practising even

11、though he met difficulties.(5)有倒裝句結(jié)構(gòu)：It tells us that only by workinghard can we achieve ourgoals.(6) 有虛擬語氣結(jié)構(gòu)： Li Yundi would never become so successful practise so hard./ And we wouldn t gain what we want if we didnif he didn t t work hard.這位學(xué)生采用多樣化的句式進(jìn)行表達(dá)，顯示出較強(qiáng)的語言功底，大大提高了作文的檔次。4 、使用關(guān)聯(lián)詞銜接句子(1).ando

12、n thecontrary, the one who islazy will never gainthe thingshe wants.(2).butfew ofus know how much time and energy he has spentin practising.(3) He also took part in many competitions to improve his skills.(4) Finally, he became world-famous.(5) And he is the first Chinese pianist.(6) And we wouldn t

13、 gain what we want.通過使用順序 (finally)、并列 (and) 、轉(zhuǎn)折 (but,on the contrary)、補(bǔ)充 (also)、說明、強(qiáng)調(diào)、因果、結(jié)論等連接詞，進(jìn)行句子和段落的銜接與拓展，使文章流暢和一氣呵成，從而獲得較高的評分。這位學(xué)生嫻熟地運(yùn)用了這些寫作手段。5 、句子平均用詞量顯示較強(qiáng)的語言功底全文 13 個(gè)句子，用詞209 個(gè)，平均每個(gè)句子用詞16 個(gè)。據(jù)統(tǒng)計(jì)，現(xiàn)代英語寫作，專業(yè)寫手每個(gè)句子的平均用詞量是 2025 個(gè)，而這位學(xué)生的平均用詞量達(dá)到 16 個(gè)，雖然不及專業(yè)寫手， 但也顯示出較強(qiáng)的語言功底， 與專業(yè)寫手平均用詞量的差距并不遙遠(yuǎn)。二、接著，我們看看這篇作文的內(nèi)容：這篇文章在第一段“解釋諺語”中寫道： 諺語“不勞則無獲”強(qiáng)調(diào)勤勞的重要性，只有勤勞才能實(shí)現(xiàn)目標(biāo)， 懶惰的人會(huì)一事無成。 學(xué)生對諺語的意義把握準(zhǔn)確， 解釋中肯。精品資料歡迎下載在第二段“舉例說明”部分， 學(xué)生寫著名鋼琴家李云迪的成長經(jīng)歷： 5 歲學(xué)琴，遇困難不放棄，放棄同齡人的愛好而專心練琴，參加各種比賽，獲得肖邦國際鋼琴大賽冠軍，成為國際知名鋼琴好手，是中國獲此殊榮的第一人。在第三段“總結(jié)”部分，學(xué)生言簡意賅，以“李云迪如果不如此勤奮努力就不會(huì)如此的成功”為鋪墊，作出最后總結(jié)“不勞則無獲”，回應(yīng)文章主題。作文，尤其是考場作文，對內(nèi)容的取舍，一般的處理方法