英語幽默故事

1、14級小英 王夢A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered.Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?She is the one who sells

2、the candy.小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢.“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆,”他回答說. “你真是個(gè)好孩子,”媽媽驕傲地說.“再給你兩分錢.可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?”“她是個(gè)賣糖果的.”Ill See to the RestA guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.C

3、ome on, miss! he shouted. Shut the door, please!Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye, she called back.You just shut that door, please, called the guard, and Ill see to the rest.一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號讓火車啟動,這時(shí)他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺上一節(jié)打開的車廂門旁邊,跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話.“快點(diǎn),小姐!”他喊道：“請把門關(guān)上.”“噢,我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢.”她回答道.“請把門關(guān)上好了,”列車員說：

4、“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé).Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to hi

5、s boss: I didnt have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.Thats fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday?鮑勃晚上失眠.他去看醫(yī)生,醫(yī)生給他開了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥.星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥,睡得很好,在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來.他到了辦公室,遛達(dá)進(jìn)去,對老板說：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒有.”“好啊!”老板吼道,“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了?”The mean mans party.The notorious cheap skate finally d

6、ecided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.Why use my elbow and foot?Well, gosh, was the reply, Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?一個(gè)出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請一次客了.他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找

7、到他家時(shí)說：“你上到五樓,找中間那個(gè)門,然后用你的胳膊肘按門鈴.門開了之后,再用你的腳把門推開.”“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢?”“你的雙手得拿禮物啊.天哪,你總不會空著手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答.A story around campus has it that a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop.Two days later he received a response: Pop prepared. Pre

8、pare yourself.校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個(gè)學(xué)生一次給父母拍了一份電報(bào),上面寫著：“媽媽我所有功課都不及格,被學(xué)校開除.讓爸爸做好準(zhǔn)備.”兩天以后,他收到了回電：“爸爸已準(zhǔn)備好.你自己做好準(zhǔn)備吧!”Advice for KidA bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, l

9、ifted or loaded, they yell ,“ Get the kid.這里想對將要退休者提一點(diǎn)忠告.如果你只有65歲的話,千萬別進(jìn)退休社區(qū).因?yàn)槟抢锶巳硕计甙耸畾q或者八九十歲了.每當(dāng)要搬東西,抬東西或者裝東西時(shí),他們就叫喊,“讓小的干吧.”Where Am I An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer

10、, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? Yes, the farmer looked at him strangely and said, you are in your car, sir.一個(gè)英國人在鄉(xiāng)下開車時(shí)迷了路，他看見一個(gè)農(nóng)民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開過去問那位農(nóng)民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現(xiàn)在這是在哪兒嗎？” “可以。”農(nóng)夫奇怪地看了看他，然后說道：“你現(xiàn)在在你的車子里，先生。”Midway TacticsThree competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, Gigantic Sale! and Super Bargains!The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, Prices Slashed! and Fantastic Discounts!The owner in the middle then prepared a