(湘潭市督導(dǎo)課)雙語(yǔ)報(bào)第7期作文講評(píng)

1、第第7期雙語(yǔ)報(bào)期雙語(yǔ)報(bào) 高三（高三（1401 )1401 )班班 Teacher: Teacher: 王素云王素云(Joyce)(Joyce)1216411061222442623234363424446452544596526261046667271147867828486859294969103050701611313251改改錯(cuò)錯(cuò)1-5分分123252170133314536-10分分1434155415351255書書面面表表達(dá)達(dá)21-25分分16365617917375716-20分分183858125119395911-15分分204060251 第第12次次 周考試卷答題情況明細(xì)

2、表周考試卷答題情況明細(xì)表表?yè)P(yáng)：左表?yè)P(yáng)：左喆喆2323，張紫慧，張紫慧2222，唐煉煒唐煉煒2222，李雅玫，李雅玫2121，劉穩(wěn)，劉穩(wěn)2121，陳蕊珠，陳蕊珠2121，陳家駿，陳家駿2121，楚哲婷楚哲婷2121，彭文龍，彭文龍21 21 (9(9人人) )情況反饋情況反饋(feedback) 作文題作文題 假如你是李華，你的好友李明想找一假如你是李華，你的好友李明想找一個(gè)英國(guó)筆友，個(gè)英國(guó)筆友，托你寫信向你的英國(guó)朋托你寫信向你的英國(guó)朋友友TomTom求助，求助，請(qǐng)根據(jù)以下要點(diǎn)給請(qǐng)根據(jù)以下要點(diǎn)給Tom Tom 寫郵件。寫郵件。 1. 1. 說(shuō)明寫郵件的原因；說(shuō)明寫郵件的原因； 2. 2. 簡(jiǎn)要介

3、紹李明；簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明； 3. 3.指出李明對(duì)筆友的要求。指出李明對(duì)筆友的要求。書面表達(dá)書面表達(dá)1. 1. 體體 裁：裁：2. 2. 時(shí)時(shí) 態(tài)：態(tài)：3. 3. 人人 稱：稱： 4. 4. 要要 點(diǎn)：點(diǎn)：5. 5. 謀謀 篇：篇：認(rèn)真審題認(rèn)真審題求助信求助信一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)第一人稱和第三人稱第一人稱和第三人稱三個(gè)要點(diǎn)三個(gè)要點(diǎn)Part1. Part1. 說(shuō)明寫郵件的說(shuō)明寫郵件的原因原因( (寫信目的和背景寫信目的和背景) )Part2. Part2. Part3. Part3. 再次求助再次求助+ +表示感謝表示感謝寫作指導(dǎo)：寫作指導(dǎo)： 三段式三段式簡(jiǎn)要介紹簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明李明指出指出李明對(duì)筆友的李

4、明對(duì)筆友的要求要求5.5.謀謀 篇：篇：Part2. Part2. 寫作指導(dǎo)寫作指導(dǎo) 主體段落主體段落認(rèn)真審題認(rèn)真審題分清主次很重要分清主次很重要Which is more important?Which is more important?a. a.簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明(introduction)(introduction)b.b.指出李明對(duì)筆友的要求指出李明對(duì)筆友的要求(requirement)(requirement)1. 1. He is of medium height with black straight hair and a He is of medium height w

5、ith black straight hair and a handsome face . handsome face . He is not only outstanding but also He is not only outstanding but also always thinks of others. In my heart, he is an always thinks of others. In my heart, he is an idealideal person.person.2. Li Ming is a real-life 2. Li Ming is a real-

6、life Samaritan Samaritan and a real and a real mastermaster in in England Middle age and literature. He is willing to England Middle age and literature. He is willing to cope with troubles of his friends and is always there cope with troubles of his friends and is always there for us . As for capabi

7、lities, he could read Shakespeare for us . As for capabilities, he could read Shakespeare and Jane Austen in English without a dictionary. He is and Jane Austen in English without a dictionary. He is fond of fond of legacies(legacies(遺產(chǎn)遺產(chǎn)) ) ( (legendlegend傳說(shuō)傳說(shuō)) and classics in his ) and classics in

8、 his spare time.spare time. 簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明仙女，下凡吧！接地氣啊！仙女，下凡吧！接地氣啊！親，你要去相親嗎？親，你要去相親嗎？問(wèn)題問(wèn)題1 1：審題不準(zhǔn)：審題不準(zhǔn)寫作時(shí)要有讀者意識(shí)寫作時(shí)要有讀者意識(shí) 簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明 He He want want a pen-friend, who is outgoing and a pen-friend, who is outgoing and has good presonality. has good presonality. Maybe someone Maybe someone wan to wan to

9、 know Chinese culture is premierknow Chinese culture is premier. In . In hishis opinion, opinion, his penfriend will be better if his penfriend will be better if hehe has patience. has patience. What cWhat cant ant be ignored is some information be ignored is some information about Li Ming. I could

10、make sure that no one about Li Ming. I could make sure that no one could be more suitable than him to make could be more suitable than him to make friends with. friends with. BecauseBecause he is such a kind , selfless he is such a kind , selfless and wise person. and wise person. 點(diǎn)評(píng)：你看得出誰(shuí)是李明嗎？點(diǎn)評(píng)：你看

11、得出誰(shuí)是李明嗎？ 人稱指代不明，句子結(jié)構(gòu)混亂，邏輯不清；人稱指代不明，句子結(jié)構(gòu)混亂，邏輯不清；個(gè)別句子主謂不一致，個(gè)別單詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤；個(gè)別句子主謂不一致，個(gè)別單詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤；書寫一般，卷面也算工整，但是得分低。書寫一般，卷面也算工整，但是得分低。問(wèn)題問(wèn)題2 2：邏輯不清：邏輯不清 My friend Li Ming is outgoing and is gifted My friend Li Ming is outgoing and is gifted for communicating. And he has a lots of for communicating. And he has a l

12、ots of hobbies such as climbing , skating, swimming hobbies such as climbing , skating, swimming and so on. What is the most important is that and so on. What is the most important is that he has been to England. Thus, he falls in love he has been to England. Thus, he falls in love with its attracti

13、ve history. He also made some with its attractive history. He also made some requirements for the penfriend. requirements for the penfriend. 點(diǎn)評(píng)：點(diǎn)評(píng)：李明的介紹很明確，書寫漂亮，卷面美李明的介紹很明確，書寫漂亮，卷面美觀，但是還是不能得很高的分。因?yàn)榈谌鋵懹^，但是還是不能得很高的分。因?yàn)榈谌鋵懙膬?nèi)容不合常理。一個(gè)去過(guò)英國(guó)的人怎么要李的內(nèi)容不合常理。一個(gè)去過(guò)英國(guó)的人怎么要李華介紹筆友啦！而且作者說(shuō)這一點(diǎn)是最重要的，華介紹筆友啦！而且作者說(shuō)這一點(diǎn)是最重

14、要的，和什么相比重要呢？好像又變成交友的原因了。和什么相比重要呢？好像又變成交友的原因了。 簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明 問(wèn)題問(wèn)題3 3：結(jié)構(gòu)混亂：結(jié)構(gòu)混亂 簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明 One of my friends, One of my friends, Li MinLi Min, wants a penfriend , wants a penfriend from England due to his hunger for from England due to his hunger for improvement on written English. improvement on wri

15、tten English. Li Min Li Min is not is not only easy-going but also kind-hearted. He loves only easy-going but also kind-hearted. He loves sports, such as basketball and ping-pong. And his sports, such as basketball and ping-pong. And his requirements for the requirements for the penpailpenpail are a

16、s follows. are as follows.點(diǎn)評(píng)：點(diǎn)評(píng)：李明特點(diǎn)比較明確了，作者使用李明特點(diǎn)比較明確了，作者使用了了not onlybut also等連詞，但是對(duì)等連詞，但是對(duì)李明的介紹也過(guò)于簡(jiǎn)要了吧！個(gè)別單詞李明的介紹也過(guò)于簡(jiǎn)要了吧！個(gè)別單詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤。書寫不美，卷面很不美觀。拼寫錯(cuò)誤。書寫不美，卷面很不美觀。 問(wèn)題問(wèn)題4 4：內(nèi)容太淺：內(nèi)容太淺審題不準(zhǔn)，審題不準(zhǔn)， 語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，邏輯不清，邏輯不清， 內(nèi)容太淺。內(nèi)容太淺。HowHow to to enrich enrich the content?the content?1. Select the topic words 1.

17、Select the topic words 精選詞匯精選詞匯2. Expand the sentences 2. Expand the sentences 擴(kuò)充句子擴(kuò)充句子3. Develop a paragraph 3. Develop a paragraph 展開(kāi)段落展開(kāi)段落Select theSelect the topic words topic words 精選詞匯精選詞匯描述人物的話題詞匯描述人物的話題詞匯回顧回顧: What qualities : What qualities make Clive Sinclair make Clive Sinclair successful

18、successful? ?intelligenceintelligenceambitionambitioncuriositycuriosityperseveranceperseveranceenterpriseenterpriseintelligentintelligentambitiousambitiouscuriouscuriousperseveringperseveringenterprisingenterprisingSinclairSinclairs squalities qualities What qualities make him think his father is a

19、What qualities make him think his father is a herohero? ?hard-workinghard-workingcaringcaringlovinglovinghelpfulhelpfulresponsibleresponsibleconsiderateconsiderateoptimisticoptimistichard workhard workcarecareloveloveresponsibilityresponsibilityhelphelpconsiderationconsiderationoptimismoptimismMy fa

20、theMy fathersrs good qualitiesgood qualities描述人物的話題詞匯描述人物的話題詞匯簡(jiǎn)要介紹簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明李明描述該人物的相關(guān)話題詞匯描述該人物的相關(guān)話題詞匯精選詞匯精選詞匯: : 找出適合該話題的詞匯找出適合該話題的詞匯dedicated dedicated 有奉獻(xiàn)精神的有奉獻(xiàn)精神的 creative creative 富創(chuàng)造力的富創(chuàng)造力的independent independent 獨(dú)立的獨(dú)立的 ambitiousambitious 有雄心壯志的有雄心壯志的 adaptableadaptable 適應(yīng)性強(qiáng)的適應(yīng)性強(qiáng)的 cooperativecoope

21、rative 有合作精神的有合作精神的energetic energetic 精力充沛的精力充沛的industrious industrious 勤奮的勤奮的 optimistic optimistic 樂(lè)觀樂(lè)觀 的的humorous humorous 有幽默有幽默out-going out-going 外向的外向的 frank frank 直率的，真誠(chéng)的直率的，真誠(chéng)的 activeactive 主動(dòng)的，活躍的主動(dòng)的，活躍的generous generous 寬宏大量的寬宏大量的 careful careful 辦事仔細(xì)的辦事仔細(xì)的modest modest 謙虛的謙虛的 gentle gen

22、tle 有禮貌的有禮貌的 responsible responsible 負(fù)責(zé)的負(fù)責(zé)的 擴(kuò)充句子擴(kuò)充句子: :用熟悉短語(yǔ)支撐用熟悉短語(yǔ)支撐相關(guān)話題相關(guān)話題詞匯詞匯helpfulhelpfuleasy goingeasy goingactiveactiveconsiderateconsideratehumoroushumoroushardworkinghardworkingoptimisticoptimisticbe always ready to help othersbe always ready to help othersget along well with othersget alo

23、ng well with othershave a wide range of hobbieshave a wide range of hobbiesthink more of others than think more of others than of herselfof herselftell jokes; make others laughtell jokes; make others laughwork with every fiber of his work with every fiber of his beingbeingfind good in all situations

24、find good in all situationsMatch the topic words with their phrasesMatch the topic words with their phrases擴(kuò)充句子擴(kuò)充句子: :用熟悉短語(yǔ)支撐用熟悉短語(yǔ)支撐相關(guān)話題相關(guān)話題詞匯詞匯helpfulhelpfuleasy goingeasy goingactiveactiveconsiderateconsideratehumoroushumoroushardworkinghardworkingoptimisticoptimisticbe always ready to help others

25、be always ready to help othersget along well with othersget along well with othershave a wide range of hobbieshave a wide range of hobbiesthink more of others than of himselfthink more of others than of himselftell jokes; make others laughtell jokes; make others laughwork with every fibre of his wor

26、k with every fibre of his beingbeingfind good in all situationsfind good in all situationsParagraphs to describe fathParagraphs to describe fathersers good qualitiesgood qualitiesP47(Para 6)P47(Para 6) My father has been successful as he My father has been successful as he never shrinks from helping

27、 others. People also like never shrinks from helping others. People also like him because he often has a smile on his face. He is him because he often has a smile on his face. He is optimistic and finds good in all situations.optimistic and finds good in all situations.topic words + supporting sente

28、nces topic words + supporting sentences Develop a paragraph Develop a paragraph 展開(kāi)段落展開(kāi)段落P46 (Para 1)P46 (Para 1) What I value about my father is the care What I value about my father is the care and love he shows for me and my family. What and love he shows for me and my family. What blesses my fath

29、er most is being able to put food on blesses my father most is being able to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.the table and a roof over our heads.+linking words +linking words Relevant (Relevant (切題的切題的) )Reasonable (Reasonable (合理的合理的) ) Familiar (Familiar (熟悉的熟悉的) )Positive (Positiv

30、e (積極的積極的) )以語(yǔ)言地道以語(yǔ)言地道 邏輯連貫邏輯連貫 得高分得高分(real English; coherent logic )(real English; coherent logic ) 美段欣賞美段欣賞 A good friend of mine, Li Ming, is eager to find A good friend of mine, Li Ming, is eager to find an English penpal. Li Ming is an an English penpal. Li Ming is an easy-going boy easy-going

31、boy who enjoys making friends all over the world. who enjoys making friends all over the world. As As an English loveran English lover, he , he is crazy about is crazy about Shakespeare Shakespeare and dives right in and dives right in English literature. English literature. ThereforeTherefore, he ,

32、 he is more willing to have a pen pal who has the is more willing to have a pen pal who has the same hobby with him and same hobby with him and never shrinks from never shrinks from seeking for the beauty of literatureseeking for the beauty of literature. . 點(diǎn)評(píng)：點(diǎn)評(píng)：作者對(duì)李明的介紹和對(duì)筆友的要求作者對(duì)李明的介紹和對(duì)筆友的要求用用56個(gè)字

33、全部表達(dá)清楚了，既簡(jiǎn)要又精煉！個(gè)字全部表達(dá)清楚了，既簡(jiǎn)要又精煉！一個(gè)話題詞對(duì)應(yīng)一個(gè)支撐信息，一個(gè)話題詞對(duì)應(yīng)一個(gè)支撐信息，高級(jí)詞匯，高級(jí)詞匯，精美句式使用得恰如其分。書寫美，卷面精美句式使用得恰如其分。書寫美，卷面美，文章美。美，文章美。以語(yǔ)言地道以語(yǔ)言地道 邏輯連貫邏輯連貫 得高分得高分 Li Ming wants to have a pen pal who has Li Ming wants to have a pen pal who has similar hobbies with him. similar hobbies with him. He is good at He is goo

34、d at English English and and artsarts. . In his spare timeIn his spare time, he often , he often reads some great works. His favorite reads some great works. His favorite author is Shakespeare. author is Shakespeare. AlsoAlso, he loves , he loves playing tennis. playing tennis. Besides,Besides, Li M

35、ing wants his Li Ming wants his pen friend to be knowledgeable to answer pen friend to be knowledgeable to answer his questions about the UK. his questions about the UK. It will be It will be better better if the pen pal lives near Oxford. if the pen pal lives near Oxford. (1401 (1401李適然李適然) )美段欣賞美段

36、欣賞以語(yǔ)言地道以語(yǔ)言地道 邏輯連貫邏輯連貫 得高分得高分 Dear Tom,Dear Tom, How are you? How are you? I am writing to ask you to do me a I am writing to ask you to do me a favourfavour. My friend Li Ming . My friend Li Ming wants to wants to have a pen friend have a pen friend from your country and I appreciate it if you can h

37、elp from your country and I appreciate it if you can help him. (him. (寫作寫作目的目的+ +寫作寫作背景）背景） Li Ming is very Li Ming is very friendlyfriendly and and considerateconsiderate. He is . He is always ready to help others. always ready to help others. BesidesBesides, , he he has a wide has a wide range of

38、hobbiesrange of hobbies, , such asuch as playing football, singing, and s playing football, singing, and playing the guitar. playing the guitar. He wants He wants to have a pen friend who to have a pen friend who has a good character and has a good character and shares similar hobbies with shares si

39、milar hobbies with him. him. ( (簡(jiǎn)要介紹簡(jiǎn)要介紹李明）（李明）（指出指出李明對(duì)筆友的李明對(duì)筆友的要求要求） Faced with the above, Faced with the above, I am anxious to I am anxious to get help get help from you.If you know someone who is suitable , from you.If you know someone who is suitable , please tell me . please tell me . Thank yo

40、u Thank you very much. very much. ( (再次再次請(qǐng)求請(qǐng)求+ +表表達(dá)達(dá)感謝感謝) ) 參考范文參考范文寫作之魂：內(nèi)容要點(diǎn)，寫作之魂：內(nèi)容要點(diǎn)，語(yǔ)言詞匯和邏輯連貫。語(yǔ)言詞匯和邏輯連貫。 詞匯精美詞匯精美語(yǔ)言地道語(yǔ)言地道邏輯連貫邏輯連貫What to write aboutWhat to write about審題準(zhǔn)確審題準(zhǔn)確How to write it wellHow to write it well Writing Writing書面表達(dá)書面表達(dá)ConclusionConclusion 假定你是高三學(xué)生李華，你在網(wǎng)上看到假定你是高三學(xué)生李華，你在網(wǎng)上看到你所

41、心儀的大學(xué)即將舉辦你所心儀的大學(xué)即將舉辦20172017寒假自主寒假自主招生冬令營(yíng)，你對(duì)此很感興趣。請(qǐng)給該招生冬令營(yíng)，你對(duì)此很感興趣。請(qǐng)給該校負(fù)責(zé)人寫一封信，提出申請(qǐng)，介紹個(gè)校負(fù)責(zé)人寫一封信，提出申請(qǐng)，介紹個(gè)人參營(yíng)的原因和優(yōu)勢(shì)并咨詢相關(guān)情況。人參營(yíng)的原因和優(yōu)勢(shì)并咨詢相關(guān)情況。注意：注意：1. 1.詞數(shù)詞數(shù)100100左右；左右；2.2.可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以適行文連貫。可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以適行文連貫。PracticePractice實(shí)戰(zhàn)演練實(shí)戰(zhàn)演練 假定你是高三學(xué)生李華，你在網(wǎng)上看到你所心儀假定你是高三學(xué)生李華，你在網(wǎng)上看到你所心儀的大學(xué)即將舉辦的大學(xué)即將舉辦20172017寒假自主招生冬令營(yíng)，你對(duì)寒假自主招生冬令營(yíng)，你對(duì)此很感興趣。請(qǐng)給該校負(fù)責(zé)人寫一封信，提出申此很感興趣。請(qǐng)給該校負(fù)責(zé)人寫一封信，提出申請(qǐng)，請(qǐng)，介紹個(gè)人參營(yíng)的原因和優(yōu)勢(shì)介紹個(gè)人參營(yíng)的原因和優(yōu)勢(shì)并咨詢相關(guān)情況。并咨詢相關(guān)情況。注意：注意：1. 1.詞數(shù)詞數(shù)100100左右；左右；2.2.可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以適行文連貫?？梢赃m當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以適行文連貫。Practice Pra