版權說明:本文檔由用戶提供并上傳,收益歸屬內容提供方,若內容存在侵權,請進行舉報或認領
文檔簡介
20歲光陰不再來WhenIwasinmy20s,Isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.IwasaPh.D.studentinclinicalpsychologyatBerkeley.Shewasa26-year-oldwomannamedAlex.NowAlexwalkedintoherfirstsession.wearingjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchinmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretotalkaboutguyproblems.NowwhenIheardthis,Iwassorelieved.Myclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.AndIgotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.ThisIthoughtIcouldhandle.ButIdidn'thandleit.WiththefunnystoriesthatAlexwouldbringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekickedthecandowntheroad."Thirty'sthenew20,"Alexwouldsay,andasfarasIcouldtell,shewasright.Workhappenedlater,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhappenedlater.TwentysomethingslikeAlexandIhadnothingbuttime.Butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushAlexaboutherlovelife.Ipushedback.Isaid,"Sure,she'sdatingdown,she'ssleepingwithaknucklehead,butit'snotlikeshe'sgoingtomarrytheguy."Andthenmysupervisorsaid,"Notyet,butshemightmarrythenextone.Besides,thebesttimetoworkonAlex'smarriageisbeforeshehasone."That'swhatpsychologistscallan"Aha!"moment.notthenew20.Yes,peoplesettledownlaterthantheyusedto,mentaldowntime.ThatmadeAlex's20sadevelopmentalsweetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.ThatwaswhenIrealizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andithadrealconsequences,notjustforAlexandherlovelifebutforthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysomethingseverywhere.Thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheUnitedStatesrightnow.We'retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or100percentifyouconsiderthatnoone'sgettingthroughadulthoodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.Raiseyourhandifyou'reinyour20s.Ireallywanttoseesometwentysomethingshere.Oh,yay!Y'all'sawesome.Ifyouworkwithtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,Okay.Awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.SoIspecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseIbelievethateverysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservestoknowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfertilityspecialistsalreadyknow:thatclaimingyour20sisoneofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandoforwork,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.Thisisnotmyopinion.Thesearethefacts.Weknowthat80percentoflife'smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.Thatmeansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesand"Aha!"momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedbyyourmid-30s.Peoplewhoareover40,don'tpanic.Thiscrowdisgoingtobefine,Ithink.Weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasanexponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou'regoingtoearn.WeknowthatmorethanhalfofAmericansaremarriedorarelivingwithordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.Weknowthatthebraincapsoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresitselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwanttochangeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.Weknowthatpersonalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertimeinlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andthingsgettrickyafterage35.Soyour20sarethetimetoeducateyourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.Sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefirstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmentinthebrain.It'satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.Butwhatwehearlessaboutisthatthere'ssuchathingasadultdevelopment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopment.Butthisisn'twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.Newspaperstalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.Researcherscallthe20sanextendedadolescence.Journalistscoinsillynicknamesfortwentysomethingslike"twixters"and"kidults."It'strue.Asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactuallythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.LeonardBernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneedaplanandnotquiteenoughtime.Isn'tthattrue?Sowhatdoyouthinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyousay,"Youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife"?Nothinghappens.Youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,andabsolutelynothinghappens.Andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslikeyouorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsaythingslikethis:"Iknowmyboyfriend'snogoodforme,butthisrelationshipdoesn'tcount.I'mjustkillingtime."Ortheysay,"EverybodysaysaslongasIgetstartedonacareerbythetimeI'm30,I'llbefine."Butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:"My20sarealmostover,andIhavenothingtoshowformyself.IhadabetterresumethedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege."Andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:"Datinginmy20swaslikemusicalchairs.Everybodywasrunningaroundandhavingfun,butthensometimearound30itwaslikethemusicturnedoffandeverybodystartedsittingdown.Ididn'twanttobetheonlyoneleftstandingup,sosometimesIthinkImarriedmyhusbandbecausehewastheclosestchairtomeat30."Wherearethetwentysomethingshere?Donotdothat.Okay,nowthatsoundsalittleflip,butmakenomistake,thestakesareveryhigh.Whenalothasbeenpushedtoyour30s,thereisenormousthirtysomethingpressuretojump-startacareer,pickacity,partnerup,andhavetwoorthreekidsinamuchshorterperiodoftime.Manyofthesethingsareincompatible,andasresearchisjuststartingtoshow,simplyharderandmorestressfultodoallatonceinour30s.Thepost-millennialmidlifecrisisisn'tbuyingaredsportscar.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatcareeryounowwant.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatchildyounowwant,oryoucan'tgiveyourchildasibling.Toomanythirtysomethingsandfortysomethingslookatthemselves,andatme,sittingacrosstheroom,andsayabouttheir20s,"WhatwasIdoing?WhatwasIthinking?"Iwanttochangewhattwentysomethingsaredoingandthinking.Here'sastoryabouthowthatcango.It'sastoryaboutawomannamedEmma.At25,Emmacametomyofficebecauseshewas,inherwords,havinganidentitycrisis.Shesaidshethoughtshemightliketoworkinartorentertainment,butshehadn'tdecidedyet,soshe'dspentthelastfewyearswaitingtablesinstead.Becauseitwascheaper,shelivedwithaboyfriendwhodisplayedhistempermorethanhisambition.Andashardasher20swere,herearlylifehadbeenevenharder.Sheoftencriedinoursessions,butthenwouldcollectherselfbysaying,"Youcan'tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends."Welloneday,Emmacomesinandshehangsherheadinherlap,andshesobbedformostofthehour.She'djustboughtanewaddressbook,andshe'dspentthemorningfillinginhermanycontacts,butthenshe'dbeenleftstaringatthatemptyblankthatcomesafterthewords"Incaseofemergency,pleasecall"Shewasnearlyhystericalwhenshelookedatmeandsaid,"Who'sgoingtobethereformeifIgetinacarwreck?Who'sgoingtotakecareofmeifIhavecancer?"Nowinthatmoment,ittookeverythingIhadnottosay,"Iwill."ButwhatEmmaneededwasn'tsometherapistwhoreally,reallycared.Emmaneededabetterlife,andIknewthiswasherchance.IhadlearnedtoomuchsinceIfirstworkedwithAlextojustsittherewhileEmma'sdefiningdecadewentparadingby.Sooverthenextweeksandmonths,ItoldEmmathreethingsthateverytwentysomething,maleorfemale,deservestohear.First,ItoldEmmatoforgetabouthavinganidentitycrisisandgetsomeidentitycapital.Bygetidentitycapital,Imeandosomethingthataddsvaluetowhoyouare.Dosomethingthat'saninvestmentinwhoyoumightwanttobenext.Ididn'tknowthefutureofEmma'scareer,andnooneknowsthefutureofwork,butIdoknowthis:Identitycapitalbegetsidentitycapital.Sonowisthetimeforthatcross-countryjob,thatinternship,thatstartupyouwanttotry.I'mnotdiscountingtwentysomethingexplorationhere,butIamdiscountingexplorationthat'snotsupposedtocount,which,bytheway,isnotexploration.That'sprocrastination.ItoldEmmatoexploreworkandmakeitcount.Second,ItoldEmmathattheurbantribeisoverrated.Bestfriendsaregreatforgivingridestotheairport,buttwentysomethingswhohuddletogetherwithlike-mindedpeerslimitwhotheyknow,whattheyknow,howtheythink,howtheyspeak,andwheretheywork.Thatnewpieceofcapital,thatnewpersontodatealmostalwayscomesfromoutsidetheinnercircle.Newthingscomefromwhatarecalledourweakties,ourfriendsoffriendsoffriends.Soyes,halfoftwentysomethingsareun-orunder-employed.Buthalfaren't,andweaktiesarehowyougetyourselfintothatgroup.Halfofnewjobsareneverposted,soreachingouttoyourneighbor'sbossishowyougetthatun-postedjob.It'snotcheating.It'sthescienceofhowinformationspreads.Lastbutnotleast,Emmabelievedthatyoucan'tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends.Nowthiswastrueforhergrowingup,butasatwentysomething,soonEmmawouldpickherfamilywhenshepartneredwithsomeoneandcreatedafamilyofherown.ItoldEmmathetimetostartpickingyourfamilyisnow.Nowyoumaybethinkingthat30isactuallyabettertimetosettledownthan20,oreven25,andIagreewithyou.Butgrabbingwhoeveryou'relivingwithorsleepingwithwheneveryoneonFacebookstartswalkingdowntheaisleisnotprogress.Thebesttimetoworkonyourmarriageisbeforeyouhaveone,andthatmeansbeingasintentionalwithloveasyouarewithwork.Pickingyourfamilyisaboutconsciouslychoosingwhoandwhatyouwantratherthanjustmakingitworkorkillingtimewithwhoeverhappenstobechoosingyou.SowhathappenedtoEmma?Well,wewentthroughthataddressbook,andshefoundanoldroommate'scousinwhoworkedatanartmuseuminanotherstate.Thatweaktiehelpedhergetajobthere.Thatjoboffergaveherthereasontoleavethatlive
溫馨提示
- 1. 本站所有資源如無特殊說明,都需要本地電腦安裝OFFICE2007和PDF閱讀器。圖紙軟件為CAD,CAXA,PROE,UG,SolidWorks等.壓縮文件請下載最新的WinRAR軟件解壓。
- 2. 本站的文檔不包含任何第三方提供的附件圖紙等,如果需要附件,請聯(lián)系上傳者。文件的所有權益歸上傳用戶所有。
- 3. 本站RAR壓縮包中若帶圖紙,網(wǎng)頁內容里面會有圖紙預覽,若沒有圖紙預覽就沒有圖紙。
- 4. 未經(jīng)權益所有人同意不得將文件中的內容挪作商業(yè)或盈利用途。
- 5. 人人文庫網(wǎng)僅提供信息存儲空間,僅對用戶上傳內容的表現(xiàn)方式做保護處理,對用戶上傳分享的文檔內容本身不做任何修改或編輯,并不能對任何下載內容負責。
- 6. 下載文件中如有侵權或不適當內容,請與我們聯(lián)系,我們立即糾正。
- 7. 本站不保證下載資源的準確性、安全性和完整性, 同時也不承擔用戶因使用這些下載資源對自己和他人造成任何形式的傷害或損失。
最新文檔
- 裝修預算調整增項協(xié)議
- 畫廊裝修終止合同
- 廣告?zhèn)髅戒N售居間合同范本
- 圖書音像裝卸運輸合同模板
- 浙江鋼結構樓梯施工方案
- 足療店裝修保修條款
- 船舶代理居間協(xié)議范本
- 湖北文理學院理工學院《企業(yè)信息化硬件應用》2023-2024學年第一學期期末試卷
- 2025年房產按揭貸款合同6篇
- 2025年度裝修垃圾處理承包合同3篇
- 2024年河南省公務員考試《行測》真題及答案解析
- 2022-2024北京初三二模英語匯編:話題作文
- 《阻燃材料與技術》-顏龍 習題解答
- 人教版八年級英語上冊Unit1-10完形填空閱讀理解專項訓練
- 2024年湖北省武漢市中考英語真題(含解析)
- GB/T 44561-2024石油天然氣工業(yè)常規(guī)陸上接收站液化天然氣裝卸臂的設計與測試
- 《城市綠地設計規(guī)范》2016-20210810154931
- 網(wǎng)球場經(jīng)營方案
- 2024年公司保密工作制度(四篇)
- 重慶市康德卷2025屆高一數(shù)學第一學期期末聯(lián)考試題含解析
- 建筑結構課程設計成果
評論
0/150
提交評論