【續(xù)寫課件】讀后續(xù)寫講評(píng)與寫作思路點(diǎn)撥

讀后續(xù)寫講評(píng)與寫作思路點(diǎn)撥AMOTHER’SDAYSURPRISE

ThetwinswerefilledwithexcitementastheythoughtofthesurprisetheywereplanningforMother’sDay.HowpleasedandproudMotherwouldbewhentheybroughtherbreakfastinbed.TheyplannedtomakeFrenchtoastandchickenporridge.Theyhadwatchedtheirmotherinthekitchen.Therewasnothingtoit.JennaandJeffknewexactlywhattodo.

Thebigdaycameatlast.Thealarmrangat6a.m.Thepairwentdownthestairsquietlytothekitchen.Theydecidedtoboiltheporridgefirst.TheyputsomericeintoapotofwaterandleftittoboilwhiletheymadetheFrenchtoast.Jeffbroketwoeggsintoaplateandaddedinsomemilk.Jennafoundthebreadandputtwoslicesintotheeggmixture.Next,Jeffturnedonthesecondstoveburnertoheatupthefryingpan.EverythingwasgoingsmoothlyuntilJeffstartedfryingthebread.Thepanwastoohotandthebreadturnedblackwithinseconds.Jennathrewtheburntpieceintothesinkandputintheothersliceofbread.Thistime,sheturneddownthefiresoitcookednicely.

ThenJeffnoticedsteamshootingoutofthepotandthelidstartingtoshake.Thenextminute,theporridgeboiledoverandputoutthefire.Jennapanicked.Thankfully,Jeffstayedcalmandturnedoffthegasquickly.Butthestovewasamessnow.JennatoldJefftocleanitupsotheycouldcontinuetocooktherestoftheporridge.ButJeff’shandtouchedthehotburnerandhegaveacryofpain.Jennamadehimputhishandincoldwater.Thenshecaughtthesmellofburning.Ohdear!Thepieceofbreadinthepanhadturnedblackaswell.文本分析1.Readfortheme（定主題）

本文的主題就是標(biāo)題了：AMOTHER'SDAYSURPRISE

，

如果還要進(jìn)一步升華，那就是體現(xiàn)了孩子們對(duì)媽媽的愛。2.Readforclues

（找線索）

人物：twins:Jeff,Jenna;fatherandmother

想法：thesurprisetheywereplanningforMother'sDay,brought

herbreakfastinbed.

情感：

Thetwins:

-->excitement,pleasedandproud

-->Jennapanicked.

-->Jeffstayedcalm

-->ButJeff'shandtouchedthehotburnerandhegaveacryofpain.精心策劃信心滿滿實(shí)施計(jì)劃遭遇失敗調(diào)整計(jì)劃手忙腳亂Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.場(chǎng)景一：根據(jù)

fatherappeared

推測(cè)下一個(gè)場(chǎng)景：father的反應(yīng)（說(shuō)什么？做什么）場(chǎng)景二：根據(jù)carried

thebreakfast

推測(cè)上一個(gè)場(chǎng)景：

breakfast

已經(jīng)做好第一段核心場(chǎng)景：父親幫孩子收拾殘局并且指導(dǎo)/協(xié)作做早餐。提示：讀后續(xù)寫中如何把繁瑣的動(dòng)作簡(jiǎn)化是一個(gè)很重要的技能。3.Readforplot

（構(gòu)思情節(jié)）Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.第二段的場(chǎng)景構(gòu)思：

場(chǎng)景一：媽媽的反應(yīng)（surprise）

場(chǎng)景二：孩子們的回應(yīng)（expressing）--HappyMother’sDay

場(chǎng)景三：感受（feeling:pleased;proud...)考場(chǎng)作文Paragraph1:

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.Thebadsmellslippedintohisnose.HenoticdablackbreadinthepanandacriedJeff.Thetwinscouldhardlycontaintheirsadnesstosob.Thefatherheldtheminstrongandwarmarms.Afterawhile,thetwinscollectedtheirsadnessandfatherhelpedthempreparedthebreakfast.Withtheguidanceoftheirfather,thetwinsfinishedthebreakfast.Theeggwasgolden.Sodeliciouswassmell.Thetwinsweresparklingwithexcitement.Andtheydecidedtowakeuptheirmumupbybreakfast.Paragraph2:Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.Theirmotheropenedtheeyesslowly.Agoodsmellfilledtheroom.Shelookedaroundtheroomandfoundtwofaceswithsmile,whowerecarryingthebreakfast.Tearsandsmilemingledonherface.Howluckyshewasthatshehadtwocutebabies.Shethought.Whensheatethebreakfast,itwassaltbutalsosweet.Andthetwinsburstintolaughter.Laughterwaslingeredintheroom.Tothemom,thebestsurprisewasthelovenotthebreakfast.23

極簡(jiǎn)思維就是根據(jù)兩個(gè)提示句上下各思考一個(gè)場(chǎng)景，達(dá)到每個(gè)段落兩到三個(gè)主要場(chǎng)景就行了。越是極簡(jiǎn)，越能接近作者的本意。極簡(jiǎn)思維：一核兩翼，

即：一個(gè)核心場(chǎng)景（情節(jié)），兩個(gè)銜接場(chǎng)景（情節(jié)）原則：

reaction--response途徑：

說(shuō)一說(shuō)；動(dòng)一動(dòng)；想一想；

笑一笑思考：

怎么解決場(chǎng)景的自然過(guò)渡？“Don’tpanic!”hehandedeachoneawettowel,helpingthemcleanthemessquickly.Father說(shuō)一說(shuō)，動(dòng)一動(dòng)：安慰孩子，幫他們Afterthat,Jeffstammeredouttheirplan,herfaceflushing.Jeff的反應(yīng)：說(shuō)一說(shuō)，感情描寫However,Fatherlaughed,“Soundsgreat!Icanteachyoutocook.”Father的回答Atthis,JennaandJeffalmostjumpedtotheirfeet,joyineyes.Jenna和Jeff的反應(yīng)Underhiscarefulguidance,itdidn’ttakelongbeforetheFrenchtoastandchickenporridgewereready.串聯(lián)孩子和父親的場(chǎng)景：學(xué)會(huì)了Everythingsettled,Fatherleftthekitchen,promisingtokeeptheirsecret.銜接句Meetingtheirsmilingeyes,Motherfeltconfuseduntiltheypresentedthebreakfastandsaid“HappyMother’sDay”.銜接句：媽媽的反應(yīng)Mothergavethematighthug,“Unbelievable!Youcancook!It’sthebiggestsurpriseIhavereceived.”Herfacelitupwithhappiness.

媽媽說(shuō)一說(shuō)“Theyhaveknownhowtotakecareofothers.”Fathersaidinresponsetoherexcitement,winkingatJennaandJef.爸爸說(shuō)一說(shuō)Theycouldn’thelpgiggling.Itwasasecretonlysharedbetweenthem.主題結(jié)尾：孩子笑一笑Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.2021年6月浙江高考卷——先分析本文：1.Readfortheme（定主題）

從文中找：

mydadsaids,“Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold.”

（提示：涉及到父母和孩子的讀后續(xù)寫，可以肯定說(shuō)，

主題一定在父母說(shuō)的某句話里，這句話一般意味深長(zhǎng)）主題是：我長(zhǎng)大了。（What）問(wèn)題是：如何體現(xiàn)我長(zhǎng)大了？（How）（答案是：愿意幫助父母解決家里的生計(jì)問(wèn)題，再提升一下：責(zé)任和感恩

reponsibilityandgratitude）2.Readforclues

（找線索）開頭兩個(gè)句子很重要：

Para1:Aquietman,hedidn'tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.

Para2:

Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither：

這兩句說(shuō)的父子兩人彼此不理解，根據(jù)讀后續(xù)寫的規(guī)則：

最后兩人一定彼此理解了。

本文屬于change類，從負(fù)面到正面。同時(shí)本文還有一個(gè)conflict，即：

Para6:

butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.

這里作者的心理并說(shuō)明了原因，這是很重要的線索，說(shuō)明了我不想交錢給爸爸。這個(gè)線索如何照應(yīng)也是需要思考的提示：一篇文章可能還有很多線索，但是我們無(wú)須全部照應(yīng)。建議：過(guò)多的線索照應(yīng)并不是好事，它會(huì)讓你的文章邏輯顯得拼湊一樣。我們照應(yīng)圍繞主題的線索就可以了。Para5:mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."3.Readforplot

（構(gòu)思情節(jié)）

極簡(jiǎn)思維：一核兩翼，

一個(gè)核心場(chǎng)景（情節(jié)），兩個(gè)銜接場(chǎng)景（情節(jié)）第一段的構(gòu)思：核心場(chǎng)景：我把錢交給了父親前后各一個(gè)銜接場(chǎng)景：銜接一：父親的反應(yīng)（喜悅、祝賀）過(guò)渡場(chǎng)景：我的不情愿（照應(yīng)前文線索）銜接二：父親把錢給我，并且讓我隨便花。第二段的構(gòu)思：核心場(chǎng)景：我長(zhǎng)大了！

我理解了父親。

或者

：父親對(duì)我說(shuō)“兒子，你長(zhǎng)大了！”銜接一：我的困惑，父親的解釋過(guò)渡場(chǎng)景：我的羞愧銜接二：我的感受（點(diǎn)明主題）Paragraph1:

WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome,itwas$119--mydadwantedtotalktome.“Congratulations!”Asmileplayedonhislips.Heopenedhismouthagainbutclosed(欲言又止).ThatwaswhenIrealizedhewaswaitingforsomethingtohappen.Afterall,itwashardforaquietmantoaskformypaycheck.Butdeepdown,howreluct