高三一模試卷英語作文分析

1、高三一模試卷英語作文分析 浦東新區(qū)謝忠平英語教師培訓(xùn)基地 徐 峰（建平中學(xué)） 令人緊張的期末考試終于畫上了休止符。但正如“休止符”三個(gè)字本身的內(nèi)蘊(yùn)，代表考核告一段落，也讓我們期待更精彩的延續(xù)。雖然尚處寒假，但高三學(xué)生及其家長(zhǎng)并未因此寬心，對(duì)二模卷乃至高考試卷的擔(dān)心不減反增。所謂“預(yù)則立，不預(yù)則敗”，為更好地應(yīng)對(duì)后面的考核，亟需我們對(duì)一摸卷作充分反思。為幫助高三學(xué)生有效掌握高考英語寫作方法，筆者對(duì)2010年全市18個(gè)區(qū)縣的一模卷進(jìn)行了整理、分析，最后驚訝發(fā)現(xiàn)，雖然各區(qū)縣作文形式上稍有不同，文體卻驚人一致，都是描述文。由此便有必要對(duì)一模卷的描述文寫作進(jìn)行梳理歸類。具體如下：第一類是觀點(diǎn)表述，談?wù)剬?duì)

2、某件事的看法。浦東新區(qū)、閔行、長(zhǎng)寧、楊浦、普陀、崇明、青浦、盧灣和虹口九個(gè)區(qū)縣都以此為作文主題，內(nèi)容從學(xué)生作業(yè)負(fù)擔(dān)過重到醉酒駕駛，到志愿者服務(wù)，不一而足。其中長(zhǎng)寧和楊浦 “不謀而合地一致”觸及社會(huì)熱點(diǎn)談?wù)勅绾慰创宋粡?fù)旦學(xué)生去黃山探險(xiǎn)遇險(xiǎn)獲救而有一位民警不幸犧牲的事件。可見，作文主題已從學(xué)校生活漸漸聚焦社會(huì)議題，這不能不引起注意。第二類是寫信。徐匯、松江（使用徐匯區(qū)試卷）、寶山、閘北和黃浦五個(gè)區(qū)以寫信形式為作文要求，但信中內(nèi)容終究還是談對(duì)某件事的看法，如“本班的介紹和對(duì)新同學(xué)李剛的要求或期望”、“回憶你高中生活中最難忘的點(diǎn)點(diǎn)滴滴，就他們即將開始的高中生活提出你的建議”、“火災(zāi)帶來的危害和預(yù)防

3、火災(zāi)的重要性”、“中國(guó)達(dá)人秀”。第三類是圖表。這次三個(gè)區(qū)的試卷以圖表考核學(xué)生寫作能力，但形式上略有不同：靜安為柱狀圖、嘉定為圖片、金山區(qū)則選擇表格。第四類是活動(dòng)介紹。本次?？迹钯t區(qū)個(gè)性化地以活動(dòng)介紹為作文形式。盡管形式多樣狀態(tài)，但總的來說，主要提出兩個(gè)要求。描寫是其中之一，但描寫在我們看來只是幾句話帶過的“述題”部分，僅為引子。重頭戲是第二個(gè)要求，即要求考生看到事件背后的深刻主題而談出些有哲理的觀點(diǎn)，這才是評(píng)判作文質(zhì)量的關(guān)鍵所在。下面兩個(gè)例子可清楚說明這點(diǎn)。例子一：請(qǐng)簡(jiǎn)要描述此事并就“是否應(yīng)該鼓勵(lì)大學(xué)生去探險(xiǎn)”這個(gè)話題談?wù)勀愕目捶?。（長(zhǎng)寧區(qū)）；例子二：對(duì)市民遛狗(walk the dog)的

4、描述；自己養(yǎng)寵物的經(jīng)歷或社會(huì)上養(yǎng)寵物的情況；你對(duì)養(yǎng)寵物的看法。而浦東新區(qū)在這方面的要求更為顯豁。“闡述如何過生日更有意義?！睆谋敬慰荚噷W(xué)生作文呈現(xiàn)的情況來看，學(xué)生在審題和具有邏輯性地表達(dá)方面還是有不少問題的。下面我們就浦東新區(qū)作文如何進(jìn)行審題和如何進(jìn)行具有邏輯性得表達(dá)方面作一些分析。Directions: Write an English composition in 120 150 words according to the instructions given below in Chinese.每個(gè)人每年都會(huì)過生日。請(qǐng)你簡(jiǎn)要描述一下你通常是怎么過生日的，并闡述如何過生日更有意義。很多同學(xué)

5、對(duì)“有意義”這一概念感到困惑。何謂“有意義”？筆者認(rèn)為做一件有意義的事，是指作者獲得快樂、提高認(rèn)知或給他人生活帶來變化等，這些都可視為“有意義”。寫作思路：這篇作文從段落分布上說，主要有兩層，比例以5/5或4/6為宜。1. 引入主題，簡(jiǎn)要描述通常如何過生日，因?yàn)槭钦f通常情況，語言以一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)為宜，而而非描述過去某個(gè)特定生日。2. 闡述一下如何使生日過得更有意義?？梢詮淖陨沓霭l(fā)，也可以泛泛而談。結(jié)尾段。將主旨稍加提煉，可以單獨(dú)成段，也可以并入第二段。下面三篇各有特點(diǎn)：第一篇以從句的應(yīng)用靈活、語言的哲理性取勝，第二篇的優(yōu)勢(shì)是語言平實(shí)而層次脈絡(luò)清晰，第三篇經(jīng)過我們的改動(dòng)以后，呈現(xiàn)的是另外一副景象：用

6、詞的豐富和筆法的老練。學(xué)生習(xí)作一：My birthday never means cakes capped with inviting icing or throwing a crazy party. Usually, a simple piece of cake is bought for my mother, not for me, for I want to thank her for bringing my life and soul to this world and honor the hardships she had been through during her pregna

7、ncy. I would also feel needed when part of my money is donated to charity on that day. My birthdayjust an ordinary dayspells two words: respect and give. Birthday should be extended to a deeper thinking of life. Days are gone when we were surrounded by those who loved us and were soaked in “happy bi

8、rthday to you.” Instead, it should be our turn to care about others with our respect and affection. No man can live in this society without being connected to others. All weve gained is largely due to others devotion and sacrifice. Our birthday has provided us with a platform to pay back what weve t

9、aken for granted and cherish what weve obtained. Show your gratitude and respect; give a helping hand to those who are desperate for help. All that makes our world a better place will make our birthday meaningful and prove our being mature. Thats what birthdays are all about!點(diǎn)評(píng)：該文章首先符合題目要求，而且邏輯性很強(qiáng)，中

10、心段緊緊扣住respect 和 give兩個(gè)字眼；再者，文中不乏精妙表達(dá)，如：“throw a crazy party, honor the hardships, spell two words, be extended to, be soaked in, take for granted, be all about”；另外在從句應(yīng)用上也十分出彩，如“pay back what weve taken for granted and cherish what weve obtained；give a helping hand to those who are desperate for help

11、；Thats what birthdays are all about!”；最值得一提的是該學(xué)生在字里行間所折射出的思想成熟之美和具有體悟生活的哲理之美?？梢娫撟髡咴谄饺照Z言學(xué)習(xí)中不僅懂得積累，懂得靈活運(yùn)用，而且還使自己的眼光更加深邃，洞察社會(huì)的能力更加敏銳，對(duì)待生活的態(tài)度更加自然，面對(duì)人生的道路更加自信。這是篇高分作文。學(xué)生習(xí)作二：Everyone has his or her own birthday, so every year there is a special day for us to celebrate. Yet, how to observe it is a matter o

12、f personal taste.Take myself as an example, when it comes to my birthday every year, my mum will reserve a big dinner in a restaurant. The whole family gather together, celebrating my birthday and wishing me a happy life and a successful future. Then we eat noodles which symbolize longevity. It seem

13、s like a happy day, but not necessarily a very meaningful one.In my opinion, as it is a special day in our life, which means a step towards our growth, we should spend it in a more meaningful way. First of all, as it was our mum who gave birth to us years ago, with days passing by, its time for us t

14、o show our love and gratitude. We can do some housework or just say “Thank you for your care and love.” Moreover, we should extend our concern to others who are in need of love and care. Also we can spend the day in the community helping old people or offering to take care of children. Last but not

15、least, the whole family can go on an excursion instead of having a big dinner. Its a wonderful time to expose ourselves to nature.In my view, it means much more to choose our own way to celebrate our birthday. .點(diǎn)評(píng)：盡管沒有華麗的辭藻，沒有復(fù)雜的句型，但行文流暢，層次清晰，是篇能效仿的好文章。這點(diǎn)提醒我們，只要懂得靈活應(yīng)用，只要表達(dá)恰如其分，哪怕是基本詞匯，通過非謂語動(dòng)詞和一些句型，亦

16、能妙筆生花?？上У氖墙Y(jié)尾戛然而止，有些流于平淡。學(xué)生習(xí)作三：學(xué)生原文：Long gone are the days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthday means merely togetherness with entertainment and fun.Birthday

17、s are usually not celebrated in my family. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not holding bias on having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing somethin

18、g more sensible. Above all, expressing gratitude to our parents is of significant importance, for they are the very persons to give us life. Furthermore, doing something special such as taking up some voluntary work, helping the lonely elderly in the neighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value

19、 as individuals in society and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others. These may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to the community in the long run.On my birthday this year, Im determined to go all out to do something valuable, showing the world that my birth into it is not

20、a mere coincidence but a wonderful existence.教師對(duì)學(xué)生文章批改的過程顯示：Long gone are the days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthdays means merely togetherness(從上下文的意思中可

21、以推測(cè)出，作者在此處是想要表示“聚會(huì)”get-together的意思) with entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my family solemnly. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not

22、 holding bias on(against) having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing something more sensible(meaningful). Above all（此處應(yīng)該使用For example）, expressing gratitude to our parents is of significant(應(yīng)改為great) importance, for they are the very persons to give us life. Furthermore, doing someth

23、ing special(beneficial) such as taking up some voluntary work, and helping the lonely elderly in the neighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals in society and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others. These may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to the com

24、munity in the long run.On my birthday this year, Im determined to go all out to do something valuable(此句和上面的觀點(diǎn)上有些重疊，沒有在層次上進(jìn)行提升。試看后面的表述：It was a massive effort to keep this going (不光和上面的us 呼應(yīng)，而且是對(duì)前句的建議提出了建設(shè)性的意見。) From my birthday this year, I appeal to all the people with my own action that our birth

25、 into the world is not a mere coincidence but a wonderful existence(應(yīng)改成not merely a life extension but really a human evolution). （改動(dòng)前句的原因是邏輯上不夠嚴(yán)密，因?yàn)椤肮馀R這個(gè)社會(huì)是一種巧合”的說法一般來是比較適合于生物學(xué)的，而不太適合社會(huì)學(xué)的，因此，我們用紅字進(jìn)行了必要的修改。至于后面的“精彩的存在”的說法雖然沒有什么錯(cuò)誤，但從邏輯上判斷，過于寬泛，所以，改成了“人類的進(jìn)化”即“人類發(fā)展”的層面，對(duì)前面內(nèi)容進(jìn)行升華。）最后的定稿：Long gone are th

26、e days when birthdays were viewed as a holy ceremony to celebrate ones birth and extend gratitude to people who entitled us to the fortune of seeing this amazing world. Nowadays, birthdays means merely get-together with entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my family solemnly. A small cake, a period of time when family members gather together, and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However, it is time to make a change. Im not holding bias against having fun on birthdays, but maybe we are capable of doing something meaningful.