百萬英鎊英語臺詞

THEMILLIONPOUNDNOTE1

NARRATOR:OnceuponatimewhenBritainwasveryrich,deepinthevaults2oftheBankofEnglandtherewasmoregoldthananywhereelseintheworld.“Safe”,peopleusedtosay,“safeastheBankofEngland”.

DIRECTOR:Hereitis,Mr.Montpelier.Trustyouwillnotbedisappointedwithitsprosaicdesign.

OLIVER:Onthecontrary,itseemstomeathingofbeauty.

RODERICK:Ifnotajoyforever.Allowme,Oliver.Itlooksgood.Itfeelsgood.Itisgood.

DIRECTOR:Andthere’sonlyoneotherlikeit,issuedinconnectionwithaforeign

OLIVER:Yes,wereadaboutit.That’swhatgaveustheidea.

DIRECTOR:Theidea?

RODERICK:Isupposeitdoesseemalittlecuriousthatweshouldneedsuchalargesumintheformofonenote.

DIRECTOR:Itcertainlyisanunusualrequest.Iimagineit’sforabusiness

OLIVER:Veryimportantbusiness,isn’tit,Roderick?ShallwetellMr.Garrat?

RODERICK:YouleavemenoYousee,Mr.Garrat,mybrotherandIrequirethispretty,exquisite,uniquelittlescrapofpaper...forabet.

DIRECTOR:Abet?Didyousayabet?

OLIVER:Averyimportantbet.

DIRECTOR:Gentlemen,youastound6me.Iamastoundedatthepurposeforwhichyourequirethisnote.Iamastoundedthatyoushouldcallita...ascrapofpaper.

OLIVER:Allowmetodrawyourattentiontothetext.

RODERICK:Ipromisetopaythebearerondemand7thesumofonemillionpounds.

****

HENRY:“ThisconsulateisnotprovidedwithfundsbytheUnitedStatesGovernment...fortheassistanceofneedyAmericansinLondon.”8Well,that’stoobad.I’dhavethoughtthiswouldbejusttheplace.

OFFICIAL:Well,thatdoesn’tmeanwe’renotanxioustohelp.Mightfindyouaberthinacargoship,andyoucouldworkyourpassage

HENRY:Well,wouldtherebeanychancethatIcouldfindworkhere?

OFFICIAL:Well,ifyou’dliketocallback10inaweekortwo,we’llmakeenquiries.

HENRY:Aweek?That’salongtime.IfIcouldjustgetalittlemoneytolastmethroughthenextfewdays11Icanfindworkformyself.

OFFICIAL:Wecangiveyouasmallloanifyoucanguaranteerepayment.Canyouofferusanykindofsecurity?12HENRY:Well,I’vegotaheadonmyshouldersandagoodpairofhands.Unlessyoudon’ttrustme,that’ssecurity,isn’tit?

OFFICIAL:Ah,it’snosecurityatall.Manypeoplepassthroughthisofficemakingsimilarrequests.Ifwemadeanexceptionwewouldn’tknowwhereto

HENRY:Orifyoulike,I’llreportbacktoyoueveryday.

OFFICIAL:Sorry,can’tbedone.NowforthepriceofoneshillingyoucanjointheAnglo-AmericanSociety.Thatwouldputyouintouchwithpeopleinapositiontohelpyou.

HENRY:Well,IthinkonthewholeI’dbettertrytohelpmyself.

OFFICIAL:Well,that’suptoyou,sir.Comebackifyouhavenoluck.

HENRY:I’lldothat.Er...couldIhaveoneofthese?

OFFICIAL:Ofcourse.Sorry.Allgone.

HENRY:Thanks.

****

MUFFINMAN:Lovelymuffins.Muffins.Freshmuffins.Lovelymuffins.Muffins.RODERICK:Youngman.Wouldyoustepinsideamoment,please?

HENRY:Who,me,sir?

RODERICK:Yes,you.

OLIVER:Throughthefrontdoor.Onyourleft.

HENRY:Thanks.

JAMES:Goodmorning,sir.Willyoupleasecomein?Permitmetoleadtheway,sir.

Theyounggentleman,sir.

RODERICK:Thankyou,James.Thatwillbeall.

Howdoyoudo,Mr.er...

HENRY:Adams.HenryAdams.

OLIVER:Comeandsitdown,Mr.Adams.

HENRY:Thankyou.

RODERICK:You’reanAmerican,Mr.Adams?

HENRY:That’sright.FromNewEngland.

RODERICK:HowwelldoyouknowLondon?

HENRY:Well,notatall,sir.It’smyfirsttriphere.

RODERICK:Iwonder,Mr.Adams,ifyou’dmindaskingyouafewquestions?

HENRY:Gorightahead.

RODERICK:Mayweaskwhatyouaredoinginthiscountry?

OLIVER:Andwhatyourplansare?

RODERICK:Onethingatatime,Oliver.

HENRY:Well,Ican’tsaythatIhaveanyplans.I’mhopingtofindwork.AsamatteroffactIlandedinBritainbyaccident.

OLIVER:Howisthatpossible?

HENRY:Well,yousee,backhomeIhavemyownlittlecutter(boat).She'sjustafourteenfooter,butTgetalotoffunoutofher.Well,fourweeksagolastSaturday,

Iwassailingoutofthebay....

OLIVER:Well,goon.

HENRY:WherewasI?14

OLIVER:Youweresailingoutofthebay.

HENRY:Ohyes.Well,towardsduskIfoundmyselfinthethickofawesterlygale.

IdidtheonlythingIcouldandranbeforeitallNextmorningI’djustaboutgivenmyselfupforlost,'6whenIwasspottedbyabrig.

OLIVER:AnditwasthebrigthatbroughtyoutoEngland?

HENRY:That’sright.Iearnedmypassagebyworkingasanunpaidhand,whichaccountsformysomewhatdisreputable

RODERICK.:Youmustn’tworryaboutthat.

OLIVER:It’sapositiveadvantage.

HENRY:I’mafraidIdon’tquitefollowyou,

RODERICK:Tellus,Mr.Adams...Whatsortofworkwereyouengagedin?

HENRY:Ihadajobwithashipbuildingfirm.WouldIberightinthinkingthatyoutwomightbeabletooffermesomekindofwork?

RODERICK:Patience,Mr.Adams.Patience.Ifit’snotanindelicatequestion—haveyouanymoney?

HENRY:Well,totellyouthetruth,mybankrolliszero.

OLIVER:Whatluck!Roderick,whatluck!

HENRY:Itmayseemluckytoyougentlemen,butit’snotveryluckytome.Ifthisisyourideaofsomekindofajoke,Idon’tthinkit’sveryfunny.Nowifyou’llexcuseme,I’llbeonmy

RODERICK:Pleasedon’tgo.Mr.Adams.Youmustn’tthinkwe’reinsensitive,eventhoughmybrotherisalittletactlcss.

Oliver,givehimtheletter.

OLIVER:Iwasabouttosaythesamethingmyself.Theletter.

Theletter.

HENRY:Forme?

RODERICK:Foryou.Ohno,youmustn’topenit.Notyet.Youmayopenitat...er...twoo’clock.

OLIVER:Notamomentbefore.

HENRY:Thisisridiculous.

RODERICK:It’snotridiculous.There’smoneyinit.

HENRY:Oh,well,now,listentome.Idon’tneedyourcharity.AllIwantisanhonestjobofwork.Ifyoucan’tdo...

RODERICK:Weappreciateyourhonesty,Mr.Adams.That’swhywe’vegivenyoutheletter.James,showMr.Adamsout.

OLIVER:Goodluck,MrAdams.

HENRY:Well,whydon’tyouexplainwhatthisisallabout?

OLIVER:You’llsoonknow.

RODERICK:Attwoo’clock,Mr.Adams.Inexactlyonehourandtenminutes.HENRY:Onehourandtenminutes.

JAMES:Thisway,sir.

RODERICK:Mr.Adams.Notuntiltwoo’clock.Promise?

HENRY:Promise.Good-bye.

OLIVER:Ah!Honest,intelligent,astrangertoLondon...

RODERICK:Andnotapennywithwhichtoblesshimself.Perfect!

*****

PROPRIETOR:Thatone’sThisway,please.

Takethisgentleman’sorder,21Horace.

HENRY:I’llhavesomehamandeggs,andanicebigjuicysteakwithallthetrimmings,andmakeitextrathick.

WAITER:It’llcostatidybit.

HENRY:That’sunderstood.AndalongcooltankardofEr...Waiter.

Samethingagain,please.

WAITER:Again?

HENRY:That’sright.Andfillthatup.Anythingwrong?

WAITER:No.No,sir.

He’saskedforanotherportion.Aleandall.

PROPRIETOR:Doyouthinkhecanpay?

MAGGIE:We’llhavetochanceit.

PROPRIETOR:Servehim,Horace.Butdon’tsparethe

WAITER:Ham,eggs,steak,potatoes,beans,carrotstwice.Trifle.Cheese.Coffee.Twoquartsofale.Threeandtenpence.

HENRY:Thankyou.Wouldyoumindwaitingjustafewminutes?

WAITER:What’stheretowaitfor?

PROPRIETOR:Allright,Horace.

HENRY:Thatwasawonderfulmeal.Youknow,it’samazinghowmuchpleasureyougetoutofthesimplethings...ifyou’vehadtogetalongwithoutthemforawhile.

PROPRIETOR:Veryinteresting.Andnowperhapsifyou’dpaythebill,Icouldattendtotheothercustomers.

HENRY:Thatclockofyours,isitcorrect?

PROPRIETOR:Ifanything,it’sfast.

HENRY:It'sfast?Howfast?

CUSTOMER:Twominutes.

HENRY:Oh,thankyou.

PROPRIETOR:Now,1don'twishtobeunpleasant,butwouldyoupleasesettiethebill?HENRY:1wantto,butyousee...

PROPRIETOR:Thebill,please.

HENRY;Yes,Iknow,thebill.

PROPRIETOR:Exactly.

HENRY:Well,1don’tsupposeacoupleofminuteswillmakeany

Er...I’mawfullysorry,butldon’thaveanythingsmaller.

PROPRIETOR:Well.Well...er...er...JustonemomentMaggie.Look.Doyouthinkit’sreal?

MAGGIE:AskMr.Clements.

PROPRIETOR:Mr.Clements.Mr.Clements.

MR.CLEMENTS:Whatisit?

PROPRIETOR:Wouldyoumindjustlookingatthis?Doyouthinkit'sgenuine?MR.

CLEMENTS:Twonotesofthisdenominationhavebeenissued,butinanycaseit'shardlylikelytobeaMAGGIE:Whynot?

MR.CLEMENTS:Itwoulddrawtoomuchattentiontotheowner.Noforgerwouldwantthat.

MAGGIE:Butlookattheowner,Mr.Clements.He’sinrags.

MR.CLEMENTS:Icanonlyassumehe’saneccentric

PROPRIETOR:Aneccentricmillionaire!

MAGGIE:Andyouputhimatthebackoftheroom.Goandattendtohimatonce.PROPRIETOR:I’msorry,sir,butIcannotchangethenote.

HENRY:Oh,butit’sallIhaveonme.

PROPRIETOR:All!Oh,pieasedon’tworry,sir.it’sofnoconsequence.Noconsequenceatall.Wearemostgratifiedthatyoushouldsomuchasstepfootinsideourlittleestablishment.Indeed,sir,Itrustyouwillcomeherewheneveryouareseekingpeaceandquiet.

HENRY:Well,that’sverygoodofyou.

PROPRIETOR:Good,sir?It’sgoodofyou,sir.Youmustcomewheneveryouwantandhavewhateveryoulike.Themerehonourofyourpresenceisarewardinitself.

HENRY:1maynotbepassingthiswayforquiteawhile.

PROPRIETOR:Itwouldbeaverypoorthing,sir,ifIcouldn’ttrustagentlemanasrichasyourself,sir.Evenifyoudoplaylarks(jokes)...uponthepublicinthematterofdress.Asforthebill,sir,pleaseforgetit.It’sofnoconsequence.Noconsequenceatall.

HENRY:Thankyouverymuch,sir.That'sveryniceofyou.

PROPRIETOR:Oh,it’sforustothankyou,sir.AndIdo,sir...fromthebottomofmyheart.

****

JAMES:

Didyonwantsomething,sir?

HENRY:

Yourememberme?

JAMES:

Yes,sir.

HENRY:

Well,I’vegottoseeyouremployersagainimmediately.

JAMES:

They’vegone.

HENRY:

Gone?

JAMES:

Goneabroad.

HENRY:

But...buttheywereherejustanhourago.

JAMES:

They’llbebackinamonth.Amonthfromtoday.

HENRY:

ButIcan’tbelievethat...

OLIVER’SVOICE:TheenclosedBankNoteislenttoyouforOneMonth.Ifyoureturnitintact27attheendofthattime,youshallhaveanyjobthatiswithinourpowertogiveyou.

Itmayinterestyoutoknowthatwehaveabetonyou.

*****

HENRY:Hey!

FIRSTWOMAN:Thursdayweek,then,Good-bye.

SECONDWOMAN:Good-bye.

FIRSTWOMAN:Oh,didthedirty...pieceofpaperfallonbaby’sface?There.HENRY:Holdit.HangSorry.

REVIVALIST:Prepareyeforthedayofjudgment.Prepareyeforthedayofjudgment.Prepareyeforthedayofjudgment.Prepare...yeforthedayofjudgment.

Prepareye...Oh!

SCHOOLGIRL:Whatafunny,funnyman.

SCHOOLTEACHER:Sh!Behave

***?*

HENRY:Er...I'dliketohaveasuit...Ithoughtyoumighthavesomethingreadymade.

ASSISTANT:He’llattendtoyou.

HENRY:Iwantasuit,please.Er...somethingIcanwalkoutSECONDASSISTANT:Ready-madesuits?Downthestairs.

HENRY:Oh...thankyou.

Ihatetointerrupt,butwouldyouliketo31showmesomeready-madesuits?

TOD:Yes,Idaresaywecanfityouup,32sir.Thisway,please.

HENRY:Ithoughtyoumighthavesomethingthatwasmadeupforanothercustomerandnotcollected.

TOD:Oh,wedon’tgoinforthatsortofthinghere,33sir.Oh,hereweare,theverything.

REID:TellTodtoservehimquicklyandgethimoutofthesideFIRSTASSISTANT:Yes,sir.

HENRY:Isthisthesortofthingthat’sworninEnglandnowadays?

TOD:Ohyes,sir.It’salltheTrythetrousers.

FIRSTASSISTANT:Mr.Reidsaysyou’vegottogethimoutofthesideentranceandbequick.

TOD:IknowwhatI’mdoning.I’vegoteyes,haven’tI?

HENRY:It’s...er...it’salittlenoisy(obtrusive),isn’tit?

TOD:Oh,youwon’tdobetter,sir,allthingsconsidered.You’realittledifficultforsize,youknow.

HENRY:Yes,soIam.Well,it’lldoforthetimeI’lltakeit.

TOD:Good.ShallIwrapit?

HENRY:No,I’llwearit.Oh,er...I’drathernotpayyounow,ifyoudon’tmind.I’d...I’dliketoopenanaccount37andsettlewithyouinamonth.

Yousee,I...er...don’thappentohaveanysmallchange.

TOD:Herewego!38

Isupposeagentlemanlikeyoucanonlybeexpectedtocarrylargechange.

HENRY.:Nowlookhere,sonny.,ifIwereyouIwouldn’tjudgestrangersbytheclothes*theywear.

1justdon’twanttoembarrassyouwithalargenote.

TOD:Well,Imeantnooffence,butwhilerebukesareintheair,whatmakesyouthinkwecan’tchangealargenote?Asamatteroffactwecan.

HENRY:Inthatcasethere’snoproblem.

REID:Well,what’sup?What'sthetrouble?What’swanting?

HENRY:Fmiustwaitingformychange.

RETD:We,Givehimhischange.Tod.Getgoing.

TOD:Change,sir?

RFID-Change!

Well,couldit?rsit...isit...?Woulditbetheone1sawinthepaperson

Wednesday?OrwasitThursday?

IrememberthinkingthatneverwouldIbeblessedwiththefeelofsuchanoteasthis.You'reafool.Tod,abornfool.Bringthegentlemanintothispartoftheshop.You'dthmkweneverhaddealingswithmillionaires.Andtakeoffthisjacket,sir,it’sonlyfitforthedustbin.

GetJack,ArthurandWilliam.

Allowme,sir.Er...thisway,sir.

Thebalanceisperfect.WeweremakingitfortheHospodarofHalifax.Hewasverymuchofthesamebuild.

Er...oneinchoffthesleeves.

SECONDASSISTANT:Oneinchoffthesleeves.

TOD:Thecravats,Mr.Reid.

REID;isaidthenewonesfromMacclesfield.

TOD:Yes.Yes.

REi'D:Firstthinginthemorningweshallstarttomakeforyou.You'llbeneedingamorningsuit,adresssuit,somethingfortheopera...

HENRY'Nowwaitaminute,1don'tneedailthosesuits.Ionlycameinhereforone

suit.

FIRSTASSISTANT:Thewaistcoats,Mr.Reid.

REID:Thankyou.

Thirty-five.

SECONDASSISTANT:Thirty-five.

REID:You’llnevergetthroughtheseasonwithoutthem.Thirtysuitsistheveryminimum,MvLordReddingtonfavoursforty-eight.Squareuptheneckattheback.:Oh,Ican’tgiveyouallthoseorders.Why,you’dhavetowaitindefinitelyforpayment.

REID:Indefinitely!Aweakword.Eternally,Mr.THIRDASSISTANT:Dressinggowns,Mr.Reid.

REID:Thankyou.

Shrinkthefrontedgealittle,

SECONDASSISTANT:Shrinkthefrontedgealittle.

REiD:Nowwhataboutacyclingsuit,Mr.Adams?Cyclingisalltherage(fashion)nowadays.Thenofcoursethere’s

HENRY:I’mnotgoingtobedoinganycyclingandI'mnotgoingtobedoinganyAscot-ting.

Sailing’smyhobby.

REID:Ah,thesportofkings!41Veryrightandproperforapersonagesuchasyourself.HENRY:Ithoughtracingwasthesportofkings.

REID:Thenitoughttobesailing.

Nip(take)inthewaistabit.

SECONDASSISTANT:Nipinthewaistabit.

REID:Andmakeanote,Arthur...anauticalsuit.

SECONDASSISTANT:Anauticalsuit.

FIRSTASSISTANT:Spats,Mr.Reid.

REID:Thankyou.

Andjustafractionmoreskirt.

SECONDASSISTANT:Justafractionmoreskirt.

REID:It’sourprideandglorytoseeamanofyoureminenceproperlyattiredfortheseason.Toskimpit,Mr.Adams,wouldbeinconvenienttoyouandharmfultoTOD:Theothercravats,Mr.Reid.

REID:Ah!

Thatwillbereadyforyouinthemorning.

HENRY:That’sfine.I'lljustgetbackintothesenow.

REID:Ohdear,ohdear,thehumiliation!Still,Isupposethere’snoalternative.Youraddress,Mr.Adams?

HENRY:Oh.Idon’thaveanaddress.I’mchangingREID:TakemyadviceandstayatBumbles.

HENRY:What’sBumbles?

REID:Theveryplace,quiet,modest,anddiscretionitself.

LuckilyforyouIhavearelativeonthemanagement.Leaveitto

*****

LLOYD:Really?Really?Really?Really?Thankyouverymuch,Reid.I’mmostindebtedto

Whichofthesuitesonthefirstfloorisvacant?

CLERK:None,sir.

LLOYD:Williams.

PORTER:Sir?

LLOYD:Fetchallthereceptionstaffandthecommissionaires46frombothentrances.PORTER:Yes,sir.

LLOYD:Ah,theBridalHowlongisitsincetheDukeofFrognalsettledhis

accounts?48

CLERK:Sixmonths,Mr.Lloyd.

LLOYD:I'llmovehimup.

CLERK:Yes,sir.

LLOYD:Preparethesuiteimmediately.Sendupfreshflowers—roses,carnations.

[wantyoutopayparticularattentiontowhatIhavetosay.Emexpecting,atanymoment,aMr.HenryAdams.Heissomewhateccentricallydressed,doyouunderstand?Quiteunlikeourusualclients.Butasfarasyouareconcerned,heisattiredascorrectlyastheAdmiraloftheYouwillofcoursewelcomehim,withallthediscretionforwhichBumblesisfamed.HehappenstobeanAmericanmillionaire.Gobacktothedoorandlookoutforhim.

*****

LLOYD:Idoassureyou.YourGrace,it’sentirelyforyourownconvenience.

Youwillfindtheroomfarlessdisturbingatnight.

FROGNAL:NeverbeendisturbedatnightsinceLcamehere.Sometimes1wishIwas.LLOYD:TheroomwaspreviouslyoccupiedbymyLordHowardofHoward.FROGNAL:Neverheardofhim.ThisiswhereIam,andthisiswhere[stay.

What’sthemeaningofthis?

Getout,allofyou.Shoo.Shoo.LLOYD:Carryon.

Iassureyou,YourGrace,it’smerelytemporary.

FROGNAL:Temporarybedamned!

LLOYD:NaturallyIwouldn’tputyoutotheinconvenienceofpackingyourbags.FROGNAL:Thisisintolerable.Comeon,outwithit.What’sthemeaningofit?LLOYD:IfYourGracewillconsiderthemoveinallitsaspects,Ifeelsureyouwillappreciateitsbeneficialnature.NaturallytherewillbealightFROGNAL:Ohtherewill,willthere?Sothereoughttobe.

Willshebetheretoo?

LLOYD:That.YourGrace,isamatterforthehousekeeper.Incidentally,asthenewroomisbelowtheservants’quarters...youwillbefarmorefreetoindulgeer...yourmusicalinclinations.

FROGNAL:ShallI?Nowlet’shavethetruth,Lloyd.Whohaveyougotcominghere?Comeon,outwithit.Youcan’tbamboozleme.

LLOYD:AMr.HenryAdams,YourGrace.AnAmerican.

FROGNAL:AnAmerican!

LLOYD:AnAmericanmillionaire,YourGrace.

FROGNAL:AreyoutryingtotellmeAmericanmoneymeansmorethananEnglishman’sname?

Iwon’tstandforit.Thiscountry’sgoingtothe

DANDY:Wait,cabby.

PARSONS:Goodafternoon,sir.

Allowme.Er...thisway,sir.You’reexpected.Ifyouplease,sir.

LADY:QuitethemostcomfortableroomI’vehad.

LLOYD:I’msoglad.Thankyou.

Excuseme.

Goodafternoon,sir.Goodafternoon.WelcometoBumbles.

Parsons,whateverhascomeoveryou?Carrythegentleman’scase.

PARSONS:Yes,sir.Certainly,sir.

LLOYD:Parsons,getupatonce.

Thisway,sir,ifyouplease.We’remosthonouredthatyou’restayingwithus,sir,andwecanassureyouofeverycomfort.

CLERK:Goodafternoon,sir,andwelcome.

Wilcox,theregister.

SECONDCLERK:Yes,sir.

LLOYD:Ifyou’dkindlysign,sir.

SECONDCLERK:Justhere,sir.

LLOYD:Thankyouverymuch,sir.Andnowifyou’llstepthisway.WehavereservedforyoutheBridalSuite.

PARSONS:Excuseme,sir.

FIRSTLADY:Nowwhatdoyousupposeheusesthatfor?

LLOYD:Pickitup.Parsons.Pickitup.

NothingweoftheoldcountrylikesomuchasagoodsenseofCOMMISSIONAIRE:Thisway,sir,please.

LLOYD:Myapologies,sir,Itrustthere’snodamage.Ifyouwillreplaceitinthecasewewillhaveittakenup54toyoursuite.

HENRY:SothisisBumbles.

COMMISSIONAIRE:Yes,sir.Themanager’sexpectingyou.Exfcuseme,sir.

ThisisMr.HenryAdams,sir.

LLOYD:Adams!DidyousayAdams?

HENRY:That’sright.IunderstandI’mexpectedhere.

LLOYD:Mr.Adams,Iapologizeprofusely.There’sbeenthemostunfortunatemisunderstanding.

You’reanimpostor.

Parsons,I’msurprisedatyou.

Perhapsyou’llhavethegoodnesstoleave.Isaid,wouldyoumindleaving?

Ifyouwouldjustsigntheregister.

HENRY:Well,what’sgoingonhere?

LLOYD:Justamistakeofthecommissionaire's.

Getridofhim.

Thefoolishfellowmistookhimforyou,Mr.Adams.Quiteunforgivable.

PARSONS:Excuseme.Hopit!55COMMISSIONAIRE:Thisway,please.

LLOYD:Fetchthepolice,Williams.Thepolice.

HENRY:Now,now.Justaminute.Idon’tthinkweneedthepolice.

I’dliketohaveatalkwiththisgentleman.

Can’ttalk?Well,thatdoesn’taffectyourdrinkinghabits,doesit?Good.

Thenperhapsyou'llbekindenoughtoleadthewayforus.

LLOYD:Certainly,Mr.Adams.

Attendtothebodiesinstantly.

CLERK:Yes,sir.

LLOYD:Thisway,sir.

HENRY:Er...laryngitis?Oh,you'reaboxer.Strongman?Well,vaudeville?Hm...thecircus?Well,whatdoyouknowthat?

Soyousee,Rock,whicheverwayyoulookatitI’minthisthinguptotheAllIwasdoingwaswalkingaroundlookingforajobandnowlookwhat’shappened.Ididn’taskforthis.ButnowthatI’minitImayaswellenjoyit.Andthat’swhereyoucouldcomein.Areyouverybusythesedays?Well,that’sgreat!57Whydon’tyousiringalongwithme58forthenextfourweeks?Helpmetokeepthebanknoteintact,andI’llsettlewithyouassoonasIgetthejobfromthetwooldboys.Whatdoyousay?That’sthestuff.Itoughttobeaprettygoodjob.Worthfivehundredpoundsayearanyway.Six?Youknow,Rock...you’vegottherightidea.Inthemeantime,we’lljusthavetoputupwith59allthis.ForthenextmonthI’mHenryAdams,theAmericanMillionaire.

Aren’tyouover-doingitabit?No?Fine.Let’sbeonourway.

Goodmorning.

LLOYD:Goodmorning,sir.

HENRY:Goodmorning.

PAGES:Goodmorning,sir.

HENRY:Goodmorning.Goodmorning.

Goodmorning.

PARSONS:Goodmorning,sir.

AMBASSADOR:Wesetupourconsulateentirelyfortheassistanceofourpeople.Andyoudon’tgiveustheopportunityofrenderingservice.Butforthesenewspapers60Twouldn’thaveknownofyourarrival.Howlongareyoustaying?

HENRY:Well,thatalldependser...indefinitely.

AMBASSADOR:Good.You’reintimefortheWhodoyouknow,Mr.Adams?

HENRY:Idon’tknowanyoneexcepter...twobrothersinBelgraveSquare—OliverandRodericksomethingorother.

AMBASSADOR:Oh,theMontpeliers,mostworthygentlemen.

HENRY:Er...no,thanks.

AMBASSADOR:Oh,Iinsist.It’soneofmypersonalHavanaselections.

HENRY:Oh!

AMBASSADOR:Nowthatyou’reherewemustseewhatwecandoforyou.ThoughasAmbassadorIthinkIshouldadmonishyoufornotcomingbefore.

HENRY:Er...well...er...thatisn’tstrictlytrue,YourExcellency.I:..Iwashereoncebefore.

AMBASSADOR:Thenwhywasn’tItold?

HENRY:Well,itwas...er...wellI...Iwasiner...difficultiesovercurrency.AsamatteroffactIstillam.Youseethisnoteofmine...

AMBASSADOR:Saynomore,Mr.Adams.Wouldahundredpoundstideyouover?62HENRY:Ohnow,that’sawfullygoodofyou,butI...I...

AMBASSADOR:Nonsense!

Makeitahundredpoundsimmediately,forMr.HenryAdams.Infivepoundnotes.HENRY:Oh,thanksverymuch.I...

AMBASSADOR:I'vetoldyoubefore,we’reheretohelpournationals.Nowtogetdowntomoreseriousmatters.Imustopenafewdoorsforyou.

*****

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:Mr.HenryAdams.

DUCHESS:Howgoodofyoutocome,Mr.Adams.Thisismyhusband.

DUKE:Howdoyoudo?

DUCHESS:Nowthisisaveryinformaloccasion.Idohopeyou’regoingtoenjoyyourself.

HENRY:Verygladto...

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:LordandLadyCrockington.

DUCHESS:AndifIseeyouindifficultieswithanyofmymoretiresomefriends,Ishallflyoverandrescueyouatonce.

Oh,LordandLadyHurlingham.Mr.HenryAdams.

LordandLadyHurlinghamandLadyJane.

LORDHURLINGHAM:Howdoyoudo?

HENRY:Howdoyoudo?

DUCHESS:LadyJaneissofondofhorses.

LORDHURLINGHAM:Areyouinterestedinhorses,Mr.Adams?

HENRY:Ohyes,indeed.Asamatteroffact...

DUKE:Mr.Adams,IwantyoutomeettheWaldrons,theGloucestershirebranch.

Notbuttingin,63amI?

LADYHURLINGHAM:Notatall.

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:SirWilliamMaclean.

LADYHURLINGHAM:Charming.

LORDWALDRON:IfyoureallywishtounderstandtheBritish,IsuggestavisittotheHouseofWouldyoucaretocomewithme?

HENRY:Well,yesindeed.Asamatteroffact...

DUCHESS:Mr.Adams,IamnotanxioustointroduceyoutoMr.HookerOrr...

Willyouforgiveme.

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:LaComtessed’LADYWALDRON:Suchbreeding!66

MRS.HOOKERORR:Dorislikestoplaylawn-tennis,Mr.Adams.Wejustcan’tkeepherawayfromtheWimbledonClub.

DORIS:Dotheladiesplaylawn-tennisinyourcountry,Mr.Adams?

HENRY:Ohyes,indeed.Asamatteroffact...

DUKE:Andnow,Mr.Adams,IwantyoutomaketheacquaintanceofSirWilliamGorringe.He’sanexpertongenealogy.MightdigyouupsomeExcuseme.

MRS.HOOKERORR:AmanofMR.HOOKERORR:Intelligent.

MRS.HOOKERORR:Wemustaskhimtocometolunch.

GORRINGE:TherehavebeenseveralcasesofAmericanswhohavediscoveredapeerageintheirfamily.

DUKE:Thereyouare,whatdidItellyou?

GORRINGE:WithanamelikeyourstheWestcountrymightprovefruitful.AfterallAdamsisquiteanoldname.

HENRY:Yes,indeed.Asamatteroffact...

DUCHESS:Nowwhatareyoutwomentalkingabout?

I’mgoingtotakeyouawayandgiveyousometea.I’veneglectedyouquitedisgrace

HENRY:Ifthisisneglect,Duchess,whatisitlikewhenyoureallytakecareofafellow?DUCHESS:Youmustcometooneofmylittledinners.

PORTIA:Uncle.

DUKE:Whatisit,mydear?

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:DoctorandMrs.Carmichael.

PORTIA:Mr.HenryAdams.I’dliketomeethim.

DUKE:Well,goaheadintothescrimmage.

PORTIA:Imeanonthebalcony.Alone.

DUKE:Haveyousuccumbedtoo?

PORTIA:ImerelythoughtitmightbeusefultogethiminterestedinAuntGrace’scharity.

AmillionairebehindusisjustwhatweDUKE:Well,ifthat’syourintention,mydear,I’mwithyou.I’lldomybest.DUCHESS:Ascot.Lords.Riding.Bicycling.

PoorMr.Adamsisgoingtobequiteoverworked.

DUKE:Mydear,Japonicawantsawordwithyou,sheisinastateofacutedistress.

Herson’sjoinedupwiththosedreadfulDUCHESS:Oh,howfoolhardy.

Youseewhatitistobeahostess.

She’stheonlyonewhoisn’tallowedtopickhercompany.

DUKE:NowIfearImustdragMr.Adamsawayfromyou.

Ihavearelationwho-willmakemylifequiteintolerableunlessshemeetshim.

Thisway,Mr.Adams.

MASTEROFCEREMONIES:Gereral...Bluff.

DUKE:Nowwherecanshebe?Ileftherbesidethiswindow.

HENRY:Ohnevermind,sir.I’vemetsomanydelightfulpeople.

DUKE:No.No.There’snogettingoutofit,72Mr.Adams.Myniececanbeverydetermined.Er...perhapsshe’sgoneoutforabreathoffreshair.

Ah,thereyouare.

PORTIA:Howdoyoudo?

DUKE:Mr.HenryAdams.

Myniece,PortiaLandsdowne.

HENRY:Howdoyoudo?

PORTIA:I’mafraidyou’rebeingrather