friends老友記第一季劇本英文版

《Friends》劇本（第一季）101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)[Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]Monica:There'snothingtotell!He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!Joey:C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!Chandler:AllrightJoey,benice.

Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?(Theyallstare,bemused.)Phoebe:Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.[TimeLapse]Chandler:Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.Joey:Insteadof...?Chandler:That'sright.Joey:Neverhadthatdream.Phoebe:No.Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.Monica:Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?!Chandler:Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme![TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]Ross:(mortified)Hi.Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...Chandler:Cookie?Monica:(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.Joey:Ohh.Monica:(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.Ross:Thanks.Phoebe:Ooh!Oh!(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)Ross:No,nodon't!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?Phoebe:Fine!

Bemurky!Ross:I'llbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.Monica:Noyoudon't.Ross:NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...Ross:No!!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?

Awrongnumber?Ross:Sorry.Joey:AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?(Rossgestureshisconsent.)Joey:Stripjoint!C'mon,you'resingle!Havesomehormones!Ross:Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars!(Heextendshishandhopefully.)Monica:Rachel?!Rachel:OhGodMonicahi!ThankGod!Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!Waitress:CanIgetyousomecoffee?Monica:(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?Rachel:Hi,sure!Ross:Hi.(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens.

Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.

AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)Monica:Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?Rachel:OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.Monica:Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.Rachel:Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]Monica:NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.Chandler:(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?

Decide!Ross:(inadeepvoice)I'llhavewhateverChristineishaving.Rachel:(onphone)Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)Phoebe:

IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.Chandler:(reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.Joey:Isaypushherdownthestairs.Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:

Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)Rachel:C'monDaddy,listentome!It'slike,it'slike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?Ora-orahat!No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!Ross:Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.Rachel:LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.Monica:Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...Rachel:Well,maybethat'smydecision.Well,maybeIdon'tneedyourmoney.Wait!!Wait,Isaidmaybe!![TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.]Monica:Justbreathe,breathe..that'sit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings...Phoebe:(sings)Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,(RachelandMonicaturntolookather.)bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens...Lalalala...somethingandnoodleswithstring.

Theseareafew...Rachel:I'mallbetternow.Phoebe:(grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.)Ihelped!Monica:Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,y'know?Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife.

Thewhole,'hat'thing.Joey:(comfortingher)Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhe'sawayalot.Monica:Joey,stophittingonher!It'sherweddingday!Joey:What,likethere'saruleorsomething?(ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.)Chandler:Pleasedon'tdothatagain,it'sahorriblesound.Paul:(overtheintercom)It's,uh,it'sPaul.Monica:OhGod,isit6:30?

Buzzhimin!Joey:Who'sPaul?Ross:PaultheWineGuy,Paul?Monica:Maybe.Joey:Wait.Your'notarealdate'tonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?Ross:Hefinallyaskedyouout?Monica:Yes!Chandler:Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.Monica:Rach,wait,Icancancel...Rachel:Please,no,go,that'dbefine!Monica:(toRoss)Are,areyouokay?Imean,doyouwantmetostay?Ross:(chokedvoice)That'dbegood...Monica:(horrified)Really?Ross:(normalvoice)No,goon!It'sPaultheWineGuy!Phoebe:Whatdoesthatmean?

Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot?(Chandlerdoesn'tknow.)(There'saknockonthedoorandit'sPaul.)Monica:Hi,comein!Paul,thisis..(Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.)...everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.All:Hey!Paul!Hi!TheWineGuy!Hey!Chandler:I'msorry,Ididn'tcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?Monica:Okay,umm-umm,I'lljust--I'llberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah...Ross:Awandering?Monica:Change!

Okay,sitdown.(ShowsPaulin)Twoseconds.Phoebe:Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcan'tbegood.(Monicagoestochange.)Joey:

Hey,Paul!Paul:Yeah?Joey:Here'salittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandoverandoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.Monica:(yellingfromthebedroom)Shutup,Joey!Ross:SoRachel,what'reyou,uh...what'reyouuptotonight?Rachel:Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!Ross:Right,you'renotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God..No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear...talkaboutyour-(thinks)-biglizards...Anyway,ifyoudon'tfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.Chandler:(deadpan)Yes,andwe'reveryexcitedaboutit.Rachel:Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkI'mjustgonnahangoutheretonight.

It'sbeenkindaalongday.Ross:Okay,sure.Joey:HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?Phoebe:Oh,IwishIcould,butIdon'twantto.CommercialBreak[Scene:TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.]Phoebe:(singing)Loveissweetassummershowers,loveisawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove...islikeagiantpigeon...crappingonmyheart.

La-la-la-la-la-(someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy)Thankyou.(sings)La-la-la-la...ohhh![Scene:Ross'sApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.]Ross:(squattingandreadingtheinstructions)I'msupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewormguys.Ihavenobracketything,Iseenowhimguyswhatsoeverand-Icannotfeelmylegs.(JoeyandChandlerarefinishingassemblingthebookcase.)Joey:I'mthinkingwe'vegotabookcasehere.Chandler:It'sabeautifulthing.Joey:(pickingupaleftoverpart)What'sthis?Chandler:Iwouldhavetosaythatisan'L'-shapedbracket.Joey:Whichgoeswhere?Chandler:Ihavenoidea.(JoeychecksthatRossisnotlookinganddumpsitinaplant.)Joey:Donewiththebookcase!Chandler:Allfinished!Ross:(clutchingabeercanandsniffing)ThiswasCarol'sfavoritebeer.Shealwaysdrankitoutofthecan,Ishouldhaveknown.Joey:Hey-hey-hey-hey,ifyou'regonnastartwiththatstuffwe'reouttahere.Chandler:Yes,pleasedon'tspoilallthisfun.Joey:Ross,letmeaskyouaquestion.Shegotthefurniture,thestereo,thegoodTV-whatdidyouget?Ross:Youguys.Chandler:Oh,God.Joey:Yougotscrewed.Chandler:OhmyGod![Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaulareeating.]Monica:OhmyGod!Paul:Iknow,Iknow,I'msuchanidiot.IguessIshouldhavecaughtonwhenshestartedgoingtothedentistfourandfivetimesaweek.Imean,howcleancanteethget?Monica:Mybrother'sgoingthroughthatrightnow,he'ssuchamess.Howdidyougetthroughit?Paul:Well,youmighttryaccidentallybreakingsomethingvaluableofhers,sayher-Monica:-leg?Paul:(laughing)That'soneway!Me,I-Iwentforthewatch.Monica:Youactuallybrokeherwatch?

Wow!

TheworstthingIeverdidwas,I-Ishreddedbyboyfriend'sfavoritebathtowel.Paul:Ooh,steerclearofyou.Monica:That'sright.[Scene:Monica'sApartment,Rachelistalkingonthephoneandpacing.]Rachel:Barry,I'msorry...Iamsosorry...IknowyouprobablythinkthatthisisallaboutwhatIsaidtheotherdayaboutyoumakinglovewithyoursockson,butitisn't...itisn't,it'saboutme,andIju-(Shestopstalkinganddialsthephone.)Hi,machinecutmeoffagain...anyway...look,look,IknowthatsomegirlisgoingtobeincrediblyluckytobecomeMrs.BarryFinkel,butitisn'tme,it'snotme.

AndnotthatIhaveanyideawhomeisrightnow,butyoujusthavetogivemeachancetoo...(Themachingcutsheroffagainandsheredials.)[Scene:Ross'sApartment;RossispacingwhileJoeyandChandlerareworkingonsomemorefurniture.]Ross:I'mdivorced!

I'monly26andI'mdivorced!Joey:Shutup!Chandler:Youmuststop!(Chandlerhitswhatheisworkingonwithahammeranditcollapses.)Ross:Thatonlytookmeanhour.Chandler:Look,Ross,yougottaunderstand,betweenuswehaven'thadarelationshipthathaslastedlongerthanaMento.

You,howeverhavehadtheloveofawomanforfouryears.

Fouryearsofclosenessandsharingattheendofwhichsherippedyourheartout,andthatiswhywedon'tdoit!

Idon'tthinkthatwasmypoint!Ross:Youknowwhatthescariestpartis?Whatifthere'sonlyonewomanforeverybody,y'know?Imeanwhatifyougetonewoman-andthat'sit?Unfortunatelyinmycase,therewasonlyonewoman-forher...Joey:Whatareyoutalkingabout?'Onewoman'?That'slikesayingthere'sonlyoneflavoroficecreamforyou.Lemmetellyousomething,Ross.There'slotsofflavorsoutthere.There'sRockyRoad,andCookieDough,andBing!CherryVanilla.Youcouldget'emwithJimmies,ornuts,orwhippedcream!Thisisthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou!Yougotmarried,youwere,like,what,eight?Welcomebacktotheworld!Grabaspoon!Ross:Ihonestlydon'tknowifI'mhungryorhorny.Chandler:Stayoutofmyfreezer![Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaularestilleating.]Paul:Eversinceshewalkedoutonme,I,uh...Monica:What?.....What,youwannaspellitoutwithnoodles?Paul:No,it's,it'smoreofafifthdatekindarevelation.Monica:Oh,sothereisgonnabeafifthdate?Paul:Isn'tthere?Monica:Yeah...yeah,Ithinkthereis.-Whatwereyougonnasay?Paul:Well,ever-ev-...eversincesheleftme,um,Ihaven'tbeenableto,uh,perform.(Monicatakesasipofherdrink.)...Sexually.Monica:(spittingoutherdrinkinshock)OhGod,ohGod,Iamsorry...Iamsosorry...Paul:It'sokay...Monica:Iknowbeingspitonisprobablynotwhatyouneedrightnow.Um...howlong?Paul:Twoyears.Monica:Wow!I'm-I'm-I'mgladyousmashedherwatch!Paul:Soyoustillthinkyou,um...mightwantthatfifthdate?Monica:(pause)...Yeah.Yeah,Ido.[Scene:Monica'sApartment,RacheliswatchingJoanneLovesChaci.]PriestonTV:WearegatheredheretodaytojoinJoanneLouiseCunninghamandCharles,Chachi-Chachi-Chachi,Arcolaintheboundofholymatrimony.Rachel:Oh...see...butJoannelovedChachi!That'sthedifference![Scene:Ross'sApartment,they'reallsittingaroundandtalking.]Ross:(scornful)Grabaspoon.Doyouknowhowlongit'sbeensinceI'vegrabbedaspoon?Dothewords'Billy,don'tbeahero'meananythingtoyou?Joey:Greatstory!

But,Iuh,Igottago,IgotadatewithAndrea--Angela--Andrea...

Ohman,(lookstoChandler)Chandler:Angela'sthescreamer,Andreahascats.Joey:Right.

Thanks.

It'sJune.

I'mouttahere.(Exits.)Ross:Y'know,here'sthething.EvenifIcouldgetittogetherenoughto-toaskawomanout,...whoamIgonnaask?(Hegazesoutofthewindow.)[CuttoRachelstaringoutofherwindow.]CommercialBreak[Scene:Monica'sApartment,RachelismakingcoffeeforJoeyandChandler.]Rachel:Isn'tthisamazing?Imean,Ihavenevermadecoffeebeforeinmyentirelife.Chandler:Thatisamazing.Joey:Congratulations.Rachel:Y'know,IfigureifIcanmakecoffee,thereisn'tanythingIcan'tdo.Chandler:IfcaninvadePoland,thereisn'tanythingIcan'tdo.Joey:Listen,whileyou'reonaroll,ifyoufeellikeyougottamakelikeaWesternomeletorsomething...(JoeyandChandlertastethecoffee,grimace,andpouritintoaplantpot.)AlthoughactuallyI'mreallynotthathungry...Monica:(entering,toherself)Ohgood,LennyandSquigyarehere.All:Morning.Goodmorning.Paul:(enteringfromMonica'sroom)Morning.Joey:Morning,Paul.Rachel:Hello,Paul.Chandler:Hi,Paul,isit?(MonicaandPaulwalktothedoorandtalkinalowvoicesotheotherscan'thear.

TheothersmoveMonica'stableclosertothedoorsothattheycan.)Paul:Thankyou!

Thankyousomuch!Monica:Stop!Paul:No,I'mtellingyoulastnightwaslikeumm,allmybirthdays,bothgraduations,plusthebarnraisingsceneinWitness.Monica:We'lltalklater.Paul:Yeah.(Theykiss)Thankyou.(Exits)Joey:Thatwasn'tarealdate?!Whatthehelldoyoudoonarealdate?Monica:Shutup,andputmytableback.All:Okayyy!(Theydoso.)Chandler:Allright,kids,Igottagettowork.IfIdon'tinputthosenumbers,...itdoesn'tmakemuchofadifference...Rachel:So,like,youguysallhavejobs?Monica:Yeah,weallhavejobs.See,that'showwebuystuff.Joey:Yeah,I'manactor.Rachel:Wow!WouldIhaveseenyouinanything?Joey:Idoubtit.Mostlyregionalwork.Monica:Ohwait,wait,unlessyouhappenedtocatchtheReruns'productionofPinocchio,atthelittletheaterinthepark.Joey:Look,itwasajoballright?Chandler:'Look,Gippetto,I'marealliveboy.'Joey:Iwillnottakethisabuse.(Walkstothedoorandopensittoleave.)Chandler:You'reright,I'msorry.(Burstintosonganddancesoutofthedoor.)"OnceIwasawoodenboy,alittlewoodenboy..."Joey:Youshouldbothknow,thathe'sadeadman.

Oh,Chandler?(StartsafterChandler.)Monica:Sohowyoudoingtoday?Didyousleepokay?TalktoBarry?Ican'tstopsmiling.Rachel:Icanseethat.Youlooklikeyousleptwithahangerinyourmouth.Monica:Iknow,he'sjustso,so...DoyourememberyouandTonyDeMarco?Rachel:Oh,yeah.Monica:Well,it'slikethat.Withfeelings.Rachel:Ohwow.Areyouintrouble.Monica:Bigtime!Rachel:Wantaweddingdress?

Hardlyused.Monica:Ithinkwearegettingalittleaheadofselveshere.Okay.Okay.Iamjustgoingtogetup,gotoworkandnotthinkabouthimallday.OrelseI'mjustgonnagetupandgotowork.Rachel:Oh,look,wishmeluck!Monica:Whatfor?Rachel:I'mgonnagogetoneofthose(Thinks)jobthings.(Monicaexits.)[Scene:Iridium,MonicaisworkingasFrannieenters.]Frannie:Hey,Monica!Monica:HeyFrannie,welcomeback!HowwasFlorida?Frannie:Youhadsex,didn'tyou?Monica:Howdoyoudothat?Frannie:Oh,Ihateyou,I'mpushingmyAuntRozthroughParrotJungleandyou'rehavingsex!

So?Who?Monica:YouknowPaul?Frannie:PaultheWineGuy?Ohyeah,IknowPaul.Monica:YoumeanyouknowPaullikeIknowPaul?Frannie:Areyoukidding?ItakecreditforPaul.Y'knowbeforeme,therewasnosnapinhisturtlefortwoyears.[Scene:CentralPerk,everyonebutRachelisthere.]Joey:(sittingonthearmofthecouch)Ofcourseitwasaline!Monica:Why?!Why?Why,whywouldanybodydosomethinglikethat?Ross:Iassumewe'relookingforananswermoresophisticatedthan'togetyouintobed'.Monica:Ihatemen!

Ihatemen!Phoebe:Ohno,don'thate,youdon'twanttoputthatoutintotheuniverse.Monica:Isitme?IsitlikeIhavesomesortofbeaconthatonlydogsandmenwithsevereemotionalproblemscanhear?Phoebe:Allright,c'mere,gimmeyourfeet.(Shestartsmassagingthem.)Monica:Ijustthoughthewasnice,y'know?Joey:(burstsoutlaughingagain)Ican'tbelieveyoudidn'tknowitwasaline!(MonicapusheshimoffofthesofaasRachelenterswithashoppingbag.)Rachel:Guesswhat?Ross:Yougotajob?Rachel:Areyoukidding?I'mtrainedfornothing!Iwaslaughedoutoftwelveinterviewstoday.Chandler:Andyetyou'resurprisinglyupbeat.Rachel:YouwouldbetooifyoufoundJohnandDavidbootsonsale,fiftypercentoff!Chandler:Oh,howwellyouknowme...Rachel:They'remynew'Idon'tneedajob,Idon'tneedmyparents,I'vegotgreatboots'boots!Monica:How'dyoupayforthem?Rachel:Uh,creditcard.Monica:Andwhopaysforthat?Rachel:Um...my...father.[Scene:MonicaandRachel's,everyoneissittingaroundthekitchentable.

Rachel'screditcardsarespreadoutonthetablealongwithapairofscissors.]Rachel:OhGod,comeonyouguys,isthisreallynecessary?

Imean,IcanstopcharginganytimeIwant.Monica:C'mon,youcan'tliveoffyourparentsyourwholelife.Rachel:Iknowthat.That'swhyIwasgettingmarried.Phoebe:Giveherabreak,it'shardbeingonyourownforthefirsttime.Rachel:Thankyou.Phoebe:You'rewelcome.IrememberwhenIfirstcametothiscity.Iwasfourteen.Mymomhadjustkilledherselfandmystep-dadwasbackinprison,andIgothere,andIdidn'tknowanybody.AndIendeduplivingwiththisalbinoguywhowas,like,cleaningwindshieldsoutsideportauthority,andthenhekilledhimself,andthenIfoundaromatherapy.Sobelieveme,Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel.(Pause)Ross:Thewordyou'relookingforis'Anyway'...Monica:Allright,youready?Rachel:No.

No,no,I'mnotready!

HowcanIbeready?

"Hey,Rach!

Youreadytojumpouttheairplanewithoutyourparachute?"

Comeon,Ican'tdothis!Monica:Youcan,Iknowyoucan!Rachel:Idon'tthinkso.Ross:Comeon,youmadecoffee!

Youcandoanything!(ChandlerslowlytriestohidethenowdeadplantfromthatmorningwhenheandJoeypouredtheircoffeeintoit.)Ross:C'mon,cut.Cut,cut,cut,...All:Cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut...(Shecutsoneofthemandtheycheer.)Rachel:Y'knowwhat?

Ithinkwecanjustleaveitatthat.

It'skindalikeasymbolicgesture...Monica:

Rachel!

Thatwasalibrarycard!All:Cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut..Chandler:(asRacheliscuttinguphercards)Y'know,ifyoulistenclosely,youcanhearathousandretailersscream.(Shefinishescuttingthemupandtheyallcheer.)Monica:Welcometotherealworld!Itsucks.You'regonnaloveit![TimeLapse,RachelandRossarewatchingaTVchannelfinishesit'sbroadcastdaybyplayingthenationalanthem.]Monica:Well,that'sit(ToRoss)Yougonnacrashonthecouch?Ross:No.No,Igottagohomesometime.Monica:Youbeokay?Ross:Yeah.Rachel:HeyMon,lookwhatIjustfoundonthefloor.(Monicasmiles.)What?Monica:That'sPaul'swatch.Youjustputitbackwhereyoufoundit.Ohboy.Alright.Goodnight,everybody.RossandRachel:Goodnight.(MonicastompsonPaul'swatchandgoesintoherroom.)Ross:Mmm.(Theybothreachforthelastcookie)Oh,no-Rachel:Sorry-Ross:Nonono,go-Rachel:No,youhaveit,really,Idon'twantit-Ross:Splitit?Rachel:Okay.Ross:Okay.(Theysplitit.)Youknowyouprobablydidn'tknowthis,butbackinhighschool,Ihada,um,majorcrushonyou.Rachel:Iknew.Ross:Youdid!Oh....IalwaysfiguredyoujustthoughtIwasMonica'sgeekyolderbrother.Rachel:Idid.Ross:Oh.Listen,doyouthink-andtrynottoletmyintensevulnerabilitybecomeanykindofafactorhere-butdoyouthinkitwouldbeokayifIaskedyouout?Sometime?Maybe?Rachel:Yeah,maybe...Ross:Okay...okay,maybeIwill...Rachel:Goodnight.Ross:Goodnight.(RachelgoesintoherroomandMonicaentersthelivingroomasRossisleaving.)Monica:Seeya....Waitwait,what'swithyou?Ross:Ijustgrabbedaspoon.(RossexitsandMonicahasnoideawhatthatmeans.)ClosingCredits[Scene:CentralPerk,everyoneisthere.]Joey:Ican'tbelievewhatI'mhearinghere.Phoebe:(sings)Ican'tbelievewhatI'mhearinghere...Monica:What?I-Isaidyouhada-Phoebe:(sings)WhatIsaidyouhad...Monica:(toPhoebe)Wouldyoustop?Phoebe:Oh,wasIdoingitagain?All:Yes!Monica:Isaidthatyouhadanicebutt,it'sjustnotagreatbutt.Joey:Oh,youwouldn'tknowagreatbuttifitcameupandbitya.Ross:There'sanimage.Rachel:(walksupwithapotofcoffee)Wouldanybodylikemorecoffee?Chandler:Didyoumakeit,orareyoujustservingit?Rachel:I'mjustservingit.All:Yeah.Yeah,I'llhaveacupofcoffee.Chandler:Kids,newdream...I'minLasVegas.(RachelsitsdowntohearChandler'sdream.)Customer:(ToRachel)Ahh,miss?

Morecoffee?Rachel:Ugh.(Toanothercustomerthat'sleaving.)Excuseme,couldyougivethistothatguyoverthere?(Handshimthecoffeepot.)Goahead.(Hedoesso.)Thankyou.(Tothegang.)Sorry.

Okay,LasVegas.Chandler:Okay,so,I'minLasVegas...I'mLizaMinelli-End102TheOneWiththeSonogramattheEnd[SceneCentralPerk,everyone'sthere.]Monica:Whatyouguysdon'tunderstandis,forus,kissingisasimportantasanypartofit.Joey:Yeah,right!.......Y'serious?Phoebe:Oh,yeah!Rachel:Everythingyouneedtoknowisinthatfirstkiss.Monica:Absolutely.Chandler:Yeah,Ithinkforus,kissingisprettymuchlikeanopeningact,y'know?Imeanit'slikethestand-upcomedianyouhavetositthroughbeforePinkFloydcomesout.Ross:Yeah,and-andit'snotthatwedon'tlikethecomedian,it'sthat-that...that'snotwhyweboughttheticket.Chandler:Theproblemis,though,aftertheconcert'sover,nomatterhowgreattheshowwas,yougirlsarealwayslookingforthecomedianagain,y'know?Imean,we'reinthecar,we'refightingtraffic...basicallyjusttryingtostayawake.Rachel:Yeah,well,wordofadvice:Bringbackthecomedian.Otherwisenexttimeyou'regonnafindyourselfsittingathome,listeningtothatalbumalone.Joey:(pause)....Arewestilltalkingaboutsex?OpeningCredits[Scene:MuseumofPrehistoricHistory,Rossandaco-worker(Marsha)aresettingupanexhibitwhichincludessomemannequinsofcavepeople.]Ross:No,it'sgood,itisgood,it'sjustthat-mm-doesn'tsheseemalittleangry?Marsha:Well,shehasissues.Ross:Doesshe.Marsha:He'soutbangingotherwomenovertheheadwithaclub,whileshesitsathometryingtogetthemastodonsmelloutofthecarpet!Ross:Marsha,thesearecavepeople.Okay?Theyhaveissueslike'Gee,thatglacier'sgettingkindaclose.'See?Marsha:Speakingofissues,isn'tthatyourex-wife?(Carol,Ross'sex-wife,hasenteredbehindthemandisstandingoutstidetheexhibit.)Ross:(tryingtoignoreher)No.No.Marsha:Yes,itis.Carol!Hi!Ross:Okay,okay,yes,itis.(waves)HowaboutI'll,uh,catchupwithyouintheIceAge.(MarshaextisandRosswavesCarolintotheexhibit.)Ross:Hi.Carol:So.Ross:Youlookgreat.I,uh...Ihatethat.Carol:Sorry.Youlookgoodtoo.Ross:Ah,well,inhere,anyonewho...standserect...Sowhat'snew?Still,uh...Carol:Alesbian?Ross:Well...youneverknow.How's,um..how'sthefamily?Carol:Marty'sstilltotallyparanoid.Oh,and,uh-Ross:Why-whyareyouhere,Carol?Carol:I'mpregnant.Ross:Pregnant?![Scene:MonicaandRachel's,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarewatchingThree'sCompany.]Chandler:Oh,IthinkthisistheepisodeofThree'sCompanywherethere'ssomekindofmisunderstanding.Phoebe:...ThenI'vealreadyseenthisone!(TurnsofftheTV.)Monica:(takingadrinkfromJoey)Areyouthroughwiththat?Joey:Yeah,sorry,theswallowingslowedmedown.Monica:Whoselittleballofpaperisthis?!Chandler:Oh,uh,thatwouldbemine.See,Iwroteanotetomyself,andthenIrealisedIdidn'tneed