英語(yǔ)短文笑話(帶翻譯)

1、英語(yǔ)短文笑話（帶翻譯）1、How much English can you speak?Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention howunfair it is for my client to be accusedof theft. Hearrived in New York City a week ago and barely knewhis way around. Whats more, he only speaksa fewwords of English.The judge looked at the defendant and as

2、ked, Howmuch English can you speak?The defendant looked up and said, Give me yourwallet!中文翻譯法官先生， 我的當(dāng)事人被指控偷竊， 這是多么不公 正啊。他一周前才來(lái)到紐約，幾乎不認(rèn)路。而且，他 只會(huì)說(shuō)幾個(gè)英語(yǔ)單詞。法官看了看被告，問(wèn)道：你會(huì)說(shuō)多少英文？被告抬起頭，說(shuō)：把你的錢包給我！A husband, proving to his wife that women talk morethan men, showed her a study which indicated that menuse on ave

3、rage only 15000 words a day, whereaswomen use 30000 words a day. She thought about thisfor a while and then told her husband that women usetwice as many words as men because they have torepeat everything they say.He said, What?丈夫給妻子看了一項(xiàng)調(diào)查結(jié)果， 為了向她證明女人比 男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個(gè)字，而女人每天使用30000個(gè)。 妻子想了一會(huì)兒說(shuō)

4、，女人每天說(shuō)的字?jǐn)?shù)是男人的兩 倍，因?yàn)樗齻儽仨氈貜?fù)已經(jīng)說(shuō)過(guò)的話。他問(wèn)：什么？3Boy: Is this seat empty?Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.男孩：這個(gè)座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。Tom, whats the matter with your brother? asked themother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake.He is crying because

5、I wont give him any. But has hefinished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helpinghim finish that.湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？媽媽在廚房里問(wèn)。他在哭。II沒(méi)事兒，媽媽，湯姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他 哭是因?yàn)槲也唤o他吃。他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？是的。 我?guī)退酝陼r(shí)，他也哭了。2009-6-7A guy says to his friend, Guess how many coins I havein my pocket.The friends says,If I g

6、uessright, will you give me one ofthem?The first guys says,If you guessright, Ill give you bothof them!路人甲對(duì)路人乙說(shuō)，猜猜我兜里有幾個(gè)子兒？路人乙說(shuō)：我猜對(duì)了，你能給我一個(gè)不？路人甲說(shuō)：你要猜對(duì)了，我兩個(gè)全部給你！2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區(qū)別I can always tell a graduate class from anundergraduate class, said an instructor at a universitygraduate engineering cour

7、se. When I say Goodafternoon, the undergraduates respond Goodafternoon. But the graduate students just write it down.一個(gè)教師在研究生工程學(xué)課堂上說(shuō)：我一眼就能看 出來(lái)哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。 我說(shuō)下午好的時(shí)候，本科生回答下午好，而研究生則把這句話 記在本子上。2009-6-5Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?Tom: Every month.爸爸： 告訴我湯姆， 哪個(gè)月有28天呢？ 湯姆：每個(gè)月都有啊！200

8、9-6-4making facesFinding one of her students making faces at others onthe playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimandthe child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teachersaid, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made uglyfaces, my face would freeze and stay like that. Bobbylooked up and r

9、eplied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant sayyou werent warned.史密斯小姐發(fā)現(xiàn)她的一名學(xué)生在操場(chǎng)上向別人做鬼 臉，便去輕責(zé)他。 這位主日學(xué)校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說(shuō)：博比，我 小的時(shí)候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會(huì)僵 硬，永遠(yuǎn)都那么丑。博比抬頭看了看老師，說(shuō)：史密斯小姐，你可別說(shuō) 沒(méi)人警告過(guò)你啊。 2009-6-3A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friendwith him.While hes talking to his grandma, his friend startsea

10、ting the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes themoff.As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma,Thanks for the peanuts.She says,Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suckthe chocolate off.一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。 當(dāng)他和祖母聊天時(shí)，他的朋友開(kāi)始吃咖啡桌上放的花 生，并把花生都給吃光了。他們離開(kāi)時(shí)，他的朋友對(duì)祖母說(shuō):謝謝您的花生。結(jié)果祖母說(shuō):唉！自從我牙齒掉光后，我就只

11、能吮掉 花生豆外層的巧克力了。2009-6-2A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another wormin a glassof whiskey. The worm in the water lived, whilethe one in the whiskey curled up and died. All right,son, asked the father, What does that show you?Well, Dad,

12、it showsthat if you drink alcohol, you will nothave worms.一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分別把兩只蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里 做對(duì)比。清水里蟲子安然無(wú)恙，結(jié)果威士忌里的蟲子 蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。所以，兒子啊，父親問(wèn)道，得出什么結(jié)論？ 恩，這說(shuō)明，你只要喝酒的話，肚里就不會(huì)長(zhǎng)蟲了！II2009-6-1Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctorsconsulting-room.Doctor, he said, you must help me. I swallow

13、ed apenny about a month ago.Good heavens,man! said the doctor. Why have youwaited so long? Why dont you come to me on the dayyou swallowed it? To tell you the truth, Doctor, thepoor man replied, I didnt need the money so badlythen.中文翻譯：一個(gè)看起來(lái)很難受的窮人走進(jìn)大夫的診室。大夫！他說(shuō)，幫幫我！一個(gè)月前我吞了一分硬幣！II天哪，大夫說(shuō)，早干嘛去了？你當(dāng)時(shí)怎么不來(lái)看

14、？II實(shí)話告訴您吧，大夫，窮人說(shuō)，我當(dāng)時(shí)還不缺錢！2009-5-31Boy: Hi, didnt we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Mustve been once. I never make the same mistaketwice.男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會(huì)過(guò)， 是一次還是兩次， 我忘記了。女孩：應(yīng)該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯(cuò)誤。2009-5-30In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, ateacher asked one of the boys, What

15、is the mostimportant physiological quality of a musician? To bedeaf, replied the boy.Nonsense! said the teacher angrily.Why, sir! Dont you know that the famous musicianBeethoven was deaf? the boy asked in replydisdainfully.在一次音樂(lè)學(xué)院的入學(xué)考試中，老師問(wèn)其中一個(gè)男 孩：音樂(lè)家最重要的生理素質(zhì)是什么？耳聾，男孩答道。胡說(shuō)！老師氣憤地說(shuō)。怎么了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音

16、樂(lè)家貝多芬是個(gè)聾子嗎？男孩輕蔑地反問(wèn)道。2009-5-28A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdogexpression.Bartender: Whats the matter? Are you having troubleswith your wife?The man: We had a fight, and she told me that shewasnt going to speak to me for a month. Bartender:That should make you happy. The man: No, themonth i

17、s up today!一個(gè)男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。酒吧招待：你怎么了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？男人：我們吵了一架，她說(shuō)一個(gè)月都不跟我說(shuō)話。酒吧招待：那你應(yīng)該高興才是??！男人：不，今天是這個(gè)月的最后一天?！綥aughter】2009-5-27A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband. A man never worries about the future until hegets a wife.女人找了老公之前都在擔(dān)憂未來(lái)。男人娶了老婆之前 從來(lái)不為未來(lái)?yè)?dān)憂。2009-5-26A man will pay $2 for a $1

18、 item he wants. A woman willpay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.男人想要的東西， 要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會(huì)買； 而對(duì)于女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻 只賣1塊，她也會(huì)買。2009-5-25The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all malestudents and vice versa. Anybody caught breaking thisrule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught

19、breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Beingcaught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there anyquestions? At this moment, a male student in thecrowd inquires, Umm.How much for a season pass?女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進(jìn)入， 男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨女生光臨。不論是誰(shuí)，一旦違規(guī)，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯 要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰 款。還有什么疑問(wèn)么

20、？這時(shí)人群中一個(gè)男同學(xué)問(wèn)道，那么一個(gè)季度通行證 需要多少錢？2009-5-24Boy: Can I buy you a drink?Girl: Actually Id rather have the money.男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。2009-5-22Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today. Patient:It should. Ive been practicing all night.醫(yī)生：聽(tīng)上去你咳嗽今天好多了。 病人：應(yīng)該如此。我昨晚練習(xí)了一整夜。2009-5-21Pete: The last tim

21、e I was out hunting, I stepped off ahigh cliff, and would you believe it, while I was fallingevery fool deed Id ever done came into my mind. Bob:Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from.皮特：我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不 信由你，當(dāng)我跌落的時(shí)候，我腦海里浮現(xiàn)了我做過(guò)的 所有蠢事。鮑勃：你一定是從萬(wàn)丈高山上跌落的吧。2009-5-19Spending the night with

22、their grandparents, 2 youngboys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers atbedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top ofhis lungs:I PRAY FOR A BIKE. I PRAY FOR A NEWDVD.His older brother nudged him and said, Why are youshouting your prayers? God isnt deaf. To which thelittle brother repli

23、ed, No, but Grandmais!2個(gè)男孩與祖父母一起過(guò)夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱 告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: 我祈求一輛自行車，一張 新DVD哥哥用肘輕推他: 你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不 聾。弟弟答道:上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。2009-5-18A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the sametime. Coming up beside her, he said, Pull over!No, she replied, a pair of socks!巡警發(fā)現(xiàn)一名婦女邊開(kāi)車邊織毛衣， 便開(kāi)車上前， 說(shuō)：靠邊停車（套頭衫）！不，她

24、回答，是一雙襪子！In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,theteacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soonthe bug died. The teacher asked a student,what doesthis show?The student answered,It shows that people wont getparasites if they drink more alcohol.酒的好處為了證明酒精對(duì)生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝 有酒精的杯子里，

25、蟲子很快就死了。 老師問(wèn)一個(gè)學(xué)生： “這說(shuō)明了什么？ ”學(xué)生答道： “說(shuō)明人多喝酒，就不會(huì)長(zhǎng)蟲子。 ”1. Teacher:Somestudents are becoming arrogant.Doyou remember the story about race between the hareand the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell uswhy the hare was defeated by the tortoise?Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely

26、 right!What should we do sothat the hare wont fall asleep?Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把烏龜換成狼老師：有些同學(xué)開(kāi)始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑 的故事嗎。小明，你說(shuō)說(shuō)看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？小明：因?yàn)樗X(jué)了。老師：對(duì)極了！我們應(yīng)該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺(jué) 呢？小明：把烏龜換成狼！Jonesie The Great Lion HunterA small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So itsleaders sent a

27、message to the great hunter, Jonesie, tocome and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, butit never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to killa cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over hisshoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the

28、middle of the night, the villagers woke to thesound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from thepasture. As they carefully approached, they saw thehunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was nosign of the lion.What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? askedthe chief.Forget the damn lion! he howl

29、ed. Which one of youidiots let the bull loose?偉大的獵手Jonesie有個(gè)小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長(zhǎng) 派人去請(qǐng)偉大的獵手Jonesie來(lái)殺死這只野獸。獵手躺著等了幾個(gè)晚上， 但獅子一直沒(méi)有出現(xiàn)。 最后， 他要求村長(zhǎng)殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上 后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。半夜，村民被從草原傳來(lái)的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。 他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻 吟。沒(méi)有獅子出沒(méi)的蛛絲馬跡?！癑onesje怎么了？獅子在哪？ ”寸長(zhǎng)問(wèn)?！澳挠歇{子！ ”獵人怒吼道， “哪個(gè)傻瓜把公牛放出來(lái)了？Weather PredictA

30、film crew was on location deep in the desert. One dayan old Indian went up to the director and said,Tomorrow rain. The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,Tomorrow storm. The next day there was a hailstorm.This Indian is incredible, said the director. He told hissecretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the oldIndian didnt show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him. I have to shoot a bigscene t